My story takes place almost 20 years ago when I was just about 17. Although in some ways it feels like a life time ago my story is still a part of me. After it happened I did not tell anyone. Not my friends who were at the party that night, not my parents, who I lived with or anyone else. I alone held the story in my heart. I almost didn’t believe it myself so it seemed that nobody else would believe me and if they did they would think that I messed up and that I was gross. I felt gross and scared.
So here is the story of what happened to me. It was spring break in 1996 and I went to my friend’s house where we planned to have a party as her parents were not home. A handful of my friends were there and we were drinking vodka and orange juice. I remember laughing a lot and sneaking more drinks with one of my friends who were there. Eventually my friend, who’s house the party was at decided that we would have more fun if she invited some more people over. Since she was going to a private school she knew people that the rest of us never met. She invited on of the boys at this school over and he showed up with 3 or 4 male friends.
I remember after those boys got there we all started playing truth or dare. Someone dared me to kiss one of the boys that I had just met. We kissed and it was weird but I was also excited to get the chance to “french kiss.”
A little while after we started playing this game the boy who I had been dared to kiss literally picked me up and started carrying me up the staircase towards the mother’s bedroom. I am still not sure if I resisted him carrying me but I don’t think I did. I think I was curious to find out what he was going to do or if we would be making out as I never really did much hooking up with guys before.
As soon as we entered the mother’s bedroom, I remember very distinctly that it was dark and that he put me down on the water bed. I felt scared and wanted to leave but he held me down and I couldn’t get up. My voice felt very, very small and very, very far away. I remember saying over and over again, “no, no, no, I want to go, no, no”. But he did not stop and I could not tell if he heard me. I remember this feeling of leaving my body and knowing that my body would stay very still. At one point I must have gone back into my body because I felt another boys hands on me. It turned out that 3 boys were all in the dark room with me. I don’t have a clear memory about what happened to me in that room, but I know that my pants were down and that I felt one of the boys’ penis touch me. I remember clearly not being able to breath, but I don’t know exactly why. Maybe because I did not remember exactly what took place was one reason why I never told anyone what happened.
It felt like I was under water in a way and I could not move or leave so I just stayed still and my mind left. The next think I remember very carefully is the door to the bedroom being opened by my friend Jay. And he turned the light on and the boys just left.
It turned out the police were called but not because they raped me. My friend called the police because the same boys stole jewelry and CDs from the house. Nobody said anything to me about what happened in that room. And I didn’t say anything either.