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Still Haven’t Healed

I was raped while on a second date with a guy I had met at a bar. I was 18 and a virgin. My family was very strict catholic and sex was never something that was discussed.

One night I met a guy. He seemed really nice. I didn’t have a lot of experience with dating so I was excited to meet someone who was handsome and thought I was beautiful. On our second date, we were having some drinks at his place while his mother was out. I had told him before that I was a virgin and that sex was off the table. We started making out in his room and he kept pressuring me to do things I didn’t want to do. He was at least twice my size. At one point he held me down and lifted up my skirt and when I said no he just pushed his body on top of me so I couldn’t move. I continued to say no but that’s when he raped me. He eventually stopped and rolled off of me. I immediately got up and got my clothes while wiping away my tears. I left a few minutes later and he said nothing.

I went home and didn’t tell anyone what had happened. A week later I was at a restaurant with friends and he saw me and came storming over asking why I hadn’t returned his calls. When he saw that I was there with some male high school friends, he started calling me a whore and slapped me across the face. The friends who were with me immediately went after him and he ran away scared. I never told them what had really happened but just said that he was someone I had briefly dated and was upset we had broken up.

My life has never been the same. I never reported it out of shame. I always thought it was my fault. My 20’s were really rocky. Drugs, alcohol and an abusive relationship. Sex has never been enjoyable for me. I know that I should get help for this but now that I am 31 years old, I just figured enough time had gone by and I should move on. But watching your film deeply moved me and brought out a lot of scars that I knew hadn’t healed, but I had hoped had just scarred over. Watching this film was like opening an old wound but it made me realize that I need to face this demon and I need to get help before I can ever truly move on. At 31, all I want is to be in a healthy relationship and have a family but I don’t think that will be possible if I never get help.

I did see him again years later and when he saw me his face was immediately terrified. He approached me and tried to apologize. I was so scared and uncomfortable that I just said “no worries” as if he had never raped me, taking my virginity and leaving both physical and mental scars.

The shame around these acts for the victims needs to stop. And the only way we can change this is by being honest and open and stop being ashamed of what happened to us.

Thank you for being brave for all of us.

1 comment

  • Alissa Ackerman

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