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Still Hurting

My name is Tamika and I am a victim of childhood abuse that lasted from the ages of 3 to 16 by different types of people. My uncle molested me when I was 3 years old. I lost my virginity at age 6 by my teacher. It was the worst pain I have ever felt in my life. He told me he did it because he wanted to show me how much he loved me. He told me to keep it our secret because if someone found out they would take me away from my family. I lived with my father and my brother at the time who I had loved very much. A week after the incident my father was cleaning my room where he had found the bloody underwear that I had hid. When I got home he asked me about them and I told him what had happened because I wanted him to rescue me because my teacher was still abusing me. Instead he got mad at me and told me that I was a slutty whore for letting something like that happen to me. He told me that it wouldn’t have happened unless I did something to make it happen. I was confused and hurt. I was suddenly feeling guilty for something but I didn’t know what. My father told me that I had to be punished for what I did and sent me to my room without food or water for the rest of the night. I cried myself to sleep. It was night time when my father came back in my room and woke me up. The first thing I said to him was daddy I’m sorry, please don’t be mad at me. He then told me I had to be punished cause he loved me and I will never learn. So he told me to take off all my clothes and lay in the bed. So I did. I started crying because I didn’t know what he was going to do to me. He started talking off his clothes and I asked him what he was doing. He said since I acted like a whore he was going to treat me that way. That night I was forced to sexually please him in every way known to man. That night was the longest night of my life. When it was over I thought my punishment was done but little did I know it lasted years. Over the years my father told me things like I was never going to find someone to love me and the only thing I’m good for is sex. My father was right because I’m 35 now and have been sexually abused by more than 30 people, men and women. I have had the worst life possible. The only thing I don’t regret are my two children. I don’t know who to trust. I have been in therapy for a few years which does no good cause I constantly keep getting hurt. Everyone that abused me told me that they loved me. I can’t stand to hear someone tell me that, not even my kids. I don’t know what love is. I am in a very deep depression that not a day goes by that I don’t think about suicide. I’ve tried a few times in the past but nothing worked. I can’t take it anymore. If this is living, then I don’t want no part of it.

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  • Donna

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