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Still Think It Was My Fault

I don’t really know what to say. I am currently 17 years old and i would need 4 hands to count all the “men” i can somewhat recall sleeping with. Lets just say nothing really phases me. I feel as if bad things are happening all the time. Around me and too me so i don’t let anything bother me. Ive been passed out drunk before and have had sex with “men” without knowing or remembering what happened. I even remember one time i was hanging out with these 2 guys and the brother was off with his gf and i was with the other brother and i was 2 water bottles of Malibu and a handful of pills fucked up and i went to school the next day and everybody was saying things like you guys fucked and nice job to the guy and i was fucking confused? Like what the fuck do you mean, we never had sex! Then the brother whom i trust told me that we did and i was mad of course but like i said i ‘ let things phase me. That was the first time it was ever really brought to my attention that i was basically raped cause a teacher of mine said that even though i was not tied up or forced or anything i was unconscious and that qualifies as rape. I didn’t know. I still blame myself i shouldn’t have been drinking so much. But about 2 months ago i was kicked out of my home. I get kicked out about every 2 months and then i always just come home but it was different this time. I did not want to go back to a house that i was kicked out of. I didn’t want to be weak. So i went to the shady area of town to hang out with some friends and after it got dark and everyone went home i just walked around then when it finally became morning i walked by this guys house whom i had briefly met the night before when i asked him for a cigarette. I was like “hey ciggg guy” not knowing that it was gonna be the thing that changed me. For a month he doped me up on meth, forced it down my throat sometimes, like he would smoke it then grab my face and blow all the smoke into my mouth, he beat me up if a car slowed down when driving by me, or when someone would ask me something, or a guy would look at me, smashed my head into the ground when i got mad one day and knocked all his shit over and forced me to pick it up, then he would hurt me if i didn’t have sex with him and start crying cause “he hated his life”. Some things i cant recall if they are real or not because i was tweaking out on the dope. I kept hearing things in my head and whenever someone had a conversation around me i would completely blank on what they were actually saying and start making things up in my head. I constantly thought people were talking bad about me. It was as if i had a bully in my head telling me every bad thing about myself all the time. Tell me this though, was it my fault? I allowed it, I knew what was happening sometimes but still he knew ant to be there. He knew i was just there cause i didn’t have a home, also because i was on dope . A lot. It was gross and disgusting and he was hurting me but where was i to go? I am still 17 and this happened not long ago. This man was 47 years old. He is the same age as my dad. It WAS my fault. I know. I just wonder why i let these things happen? The night i finally found myself heading home i knocked on my front door and my mom answered and she tried to cry but there were no tears. I looked in the mirror for the first time in a month. I was sunburnt, with swelling and bruising around my cheekbones, bruises ALL over my body, and several scratches. That was all. I always believed myself to be strong but how am i strong if i let him hurt me like that and change who i once was as a person? I bought dope again for the first time in a month. It was almost lovely.

1 comment

  • Alissa Ackerman


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