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Such Shame

As I lay here writing this, tears are are rolling down my cheeks, this is the first time I have disclosed this information. It all happened over 33 years ago I’m now aged 43.

I almost feel untrue to myself even writing this down. I promised to take this to my grave, but here goes…

My childhood was pretty normal growing up, until I was ten years old. Growing up with two older sisters and a younger brother with a loving Mum and Dad. The world was a nice place, or so I thought. As a family we had just moved house. My aunt had not long re married and my new uncle (y) I will call him, often visited, helping us to settle in. (Y) seemed to be the perfect uncle, good fun, a little ruff but I enjoyed messing about play fighting. After a couple of months of winning all our trust but especially mine, he suggested taking me fishing.

The day started well, we headed off to the sea, he showed me how to rig the rod and reel, bait the hook and cast the line. It was early and dry when we left but the storm clouds soon came rolling in. It started raining not long after lunch. I’d asked several times if we could go home. The rain was falling really heavy, the wind was howling the waves crashing against the rocks I was freezing but still felt safe knowing he was there with me. Darkness came, we we’re the last ones to leave, a number of people came and went that day. Life changed on that return home. It started off like a game. I didn’t know where I was or how to get home. He started off hitting me not to cause real pain or show bruising, just to scare me. He told me how the area all around was a grave yard where naughty boys were buried that didn’t do what they were told. He put the fear of God in me. He told me my family all new what was going on that it was a test for me. If I told anybody I would have failed if I confided in anyone he would bring me back and kill me.

The torture started back in the car park. He took the fishing knife put it to my neck and told me to undress. He sexually assaulted me. (I won’t go into detail, but he never penetrated me.) It was horrifying.

On the journey home he told me to man up. He told me I was strong. We stopped at a phone box on the way home. He telephoned my parents. Got me to tell them everything was ok, that the car had a flat tyre. He continued to tell me crap all the way home. When I got home, I ran upstairs. The bath was already ran. I felt safe. I was home. I cried. I pretended not to hear my Mum and Dad telling me to say goodbye and thank him for taking me out. I never answered. I got a good telling off that night and a lesson in manners.

I became withdrawn, reserved. I started getting in trouble. Fighting, lighting fires, drinking, glue, and drugs. At sixteen, I moved out of the home and away from all the family. I learned how the world worked. Gradually, I started to wise up getting closer to my family once more. I felt that day was my fault. I blamed myself for that day. I’ve dealt with it my own way. I found poetry and art. I eventually got married and have settled down.

1 comment

  • Alissa Ackerman

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