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Surviving, Kinda

Help.
God help me write this, but I think its time I let it out. This is my story about how a man who completely destroyed me within a matter of minuets, three times.
At first I didn’t know it was rape. After years of abuse I just thought it was normal and no one would talk about it. But surely it happens to everyone? Right? Clearly not.
I somehow convinced myself that it was my fault and that I asked for it. And that I was wearing the wrong clothes so it could have happend to anyone. That I’m clearly a slut because of this. That no man will ever love me because of what has happened. No one will accept me and my past. But no one should ever feel like that, as it is the hardest thing I have ever had to get out of. And I’m still trying.

I was 13 the first time. 15 the second time. And 17 the third time. And I remember every minute and every second of them days. And I don’t think I could ever forget.
It’s like it was a game, he would ask me questions and if I had answered wrong he would make it worse for me. It got to a point when I wouldn’t answer and would just let him do what ever he wanted. In that moment I gave up. I will always remember. I felt defeated, and broken. I had no power over him nothing I would do or say would stop what was happening.
I remember him holding my wrists down forcing me not to move. And then asking me questions. Or holding my mouth shut, and the asking me the questions. Because he knew I couldn’t answer, and that was the worst part of the game. He was telling me ‘to look to the sky’ because apparently it makes it easier. To this day still I can’t look to the sky without thinking about what happened.

After the first time it took me a while to get myself back to how i used to be. 5 years later and I still can’t figure it out. I’m still trying to wonder why me? Why did he chose me to put through all this pain?
I started gymnastics and somehow it got me through it. My therapist said it will take my mind off of what happened. Turns out I fell in love with the sport and still do it to this day.

After the third time he started stalking me. He followed me around without me knowing. And would send me messages and letters telling me what i wore that day. He was telling me how my day was; what i done in that day, what my boyfriend was wearing, what people said to me. It was scary. I was always looking over my shoulder, wondering where he was 24/7. I instantly went to the police. I had to tell them my story and what had happened in the past for them to believe me. I had a police officer follow me around for a couple of days, but I wasn’t allowed to go anywhere. I basically just had to sit in my house and wait for him to come to me. After 2 days there was a knock on my door. It was him. Thank God there was three police officers in my house at the time, they arrested him and took him to the station. I ended up having to go court and he was charged with raping seven girls including me. And stalking another three girls.

I’m now 18 moving on to 19 in a couple of months. But I have to live with what has happend and make it into who I am today. It has definitely helped me, I am now a lot stronger than I would ever have been.
But of course it still comes with its baggage. To this day I can’t have people hold my wrists and I can’t look to the sky comfortably. It’s been a year since the last time and 5 years since the first and it still haunts me. It gives me nightmares, so many sleepless nights I couldn’t even count. I’ve cried myself to sleep more times than I’ve slept normally.
I feel worthless and alone most of the time. Ive always wanted somebody to understand me but I dont think thats gonna happen. I need someone to help me with what I’m going through and to tell me I’m not crazy. Please.

3 comments

  • Alexis
  • Mady
  • Kaitlyn

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