I decided to share my story after reading another woman’s story on this site…she was brutally gang raped by police and contemplating suicide.
Please “don’t let them win” by Suicide.
I know it’s your choice to take your life or survive….
I know the helplessness against the Blue Wall.
I too have felt disposable, dismissed & despondent…
I was gang raped by a fraternity as a hazing stunt during rush week….thankfully, they drugged me so I don’t remember much…but reporting it, the officers said it was going to be my word against theirs and I didn’t really have a case as I went willingly to the party and did drink and wasn’t a virgin…so…..I didn’t really have a case.
I went to counseling immediately, but the lady therapist said I had “issues with my mother, not my rapists, rape didn’t have anything to do with what happened to me” she said…..that all happened when I was 18, by members of the PIKE house at SWT in1983….and The little sisters were in on it too. They set me up by asking me to participate in a drinking game with them. The girls brought me the drinks & they knew what the boys were planning for me. It happened the 2nd week of college. Up to then, I had been a very responsible person and had my parents love and trust which thankfully, never went away…I am extremely fortunate….although my grandma said it was my fault for going to the party in the first place and I probably wore a mini skirt, therefore asked for it….but she lived in a different era and just echoed her patriarchal views….
then in 1996 my cousin and her best friend were in a collision involving a police car…both girls died….the cops tried to cover it up….and my PTSD ignited…their word against the dead girls….and they were cops therefore their version must be believed….fortunately, there was a civilian Eagle Scout in the police car that hit the girls and he came forward, despite threats from the police, and told my family the truth…that the officer was traveling in a 35mph zone at over 120mph without flashing lights or siren …the girls never knew what hit ‘em….
I recognized my PTSD feelings immediately and sought help from the rape crisis center. They had me fill out paperwork & a survivor page checklist of 15 behaviors exhibited by survivors of sexual assault, I checked yes to 11 of them…and for the first time was able to get real counseling for my rape trauma, 12 years later….NOW, with the Dr Ford/Kavanaugh and the whole of our government backing the perpetrator….it’s still the same ol boys club….& the PTSD flares again but this time it’s like an undercurrent of rage….outraged…the patriarchy must change….and we are going to need women like you and me to help change the system somehow…..Thank you Alexis for creating this space. You are Brave. And to the woman who endured such police brutality…..I can not imagine your experience and I send you love and strength…I am so sorry that those inhumane ….I can’t even bring myself to call them people, much less officers of the law……They are despicable, disgusting and deserve to be behind bars for life…..even though thus far you’ve been unable to find anyone to take your case and now with Kavanaugh on the Supreme Court instead they’ll probably all just go out for a beer after work and laugh about it….assholes….