It was the day after Valentine’s day. My friend and I decided to go out for some drinks that night spontaneously. We went to a local bar. We had some drinks before we left the house and had more when we arrived. Almost straightaway two guys came over to talk to us. One was chatty and nice and I remember thinking the other one seemed sullen and not very pleasant. After a while we said goodbye to them and continued with our night. Later I was quite drunk, I had become separated from my friend and was trying to find her. I went and looked outside and the guy we had been talking to earlier, the one who wasn’t very friendly, came over to talk. We chatted for a while then started kissing. We then started walking to my house. I don’t remember if it was my idea or his.
We got home, went upstairs, and we had sex. At this point it was consensual. Later I was trying to sleep, he started touching me, wanting to have sex again. I tried laughing it off and saying no. He kept persisting so I said ‘no’ firmly. He responded with a yes and got on top of me. He began to rape me. I didn’t move. I didn’t speak. I didn’t respond. I froze. I didn’t know what to do. I remember feeling confused about what was happening, I remember feeling irritated that he hadn’t listened to me but I don’t think I made the connection that he was raping me.
He finished and after a while I got up to go to the bathroom. I was confused. I didn’t want him to be there anymore but I didn’t know what to do. My housemate was in the bathroom and asked me how things were going and I remember saying he’s awful I’ll tell you in the morning. I went back into my room and wrapped a blanket around me and rolled as far away from him as I could and turned my back on him. He came up behind me and put his arms around me, when he felt the blanket be pulled it close so he could hold me with our skin touching. It was horrible. The thought makes me want to be sick. The memory of that is worse than the rape itself.
The next morning we woke up and he tried to have sex with me again. I was so confused about what had happened I went along with it. I think that I was trying to erase what had happened the night before. I thought maybe if we had sex and it was all okay that maybe nothing bad had happened the night before. We talked a little and when I said I couldn’t remember all of the night before because I had been a little drunk, he laughed at me in a horrible way and said I know. At that point I knew that I had been taken advantage of in a horrible way. I made up some lie about having plans so he had to leave. He got dressed. He used my hairbrush I remember feeling disgusted at the thought of his hair in my brush.
He left. I told my housemates. I was in shock. It took me a long time to get my head around what had happened. And then I fell apart. I told a few other friends I trusted but never my family. They still don’t know now almost 7 years later. For years I drank too much and I abused myself by sleeping with countless men I didn’t care about and who treated me like dirt. I didn’t care because I thought I was worthless, I didn’t respect myself. I tried counseling a couple of times but it never clicked until finally last year I found a counsellor who understood me and I was finally ready to do the work I needed to do to get past it. It turned my life around. I’m finally feeling in a much better place. My family still don’t know. I still don’t know if I have the strength to tell them. Maybe someday.