Trauma. This word can describe many things. PTSD. Car accidents. Deaths. Rape. It can mean a variety of situations, each different from the rest.
My brother and I both experienced trauma. In the summer of 2013, my brother was molested, and I experienced verbal sexual abuse. And the worst part of it all, was that the abuser was my 13-year-old cousin.
She was our baby-sitter for that summer. My brother and I had a great relationship with my two cousins, Amber and Brianna. Brianna being the younger one, the same age as me at that time.
Amber was hired by my mother through my aunt, her sister. Occasionally, my younger cousin would tag along for the day, dropped off by my aunt in the mornings.
My brother and I were only 9 years old, our minds too young to process that anything that happened that summer was wrong.
Amber was to be dropped off at 7:30 in the morning, cook meals for us, and watch us throughout the day. Normal things a babysitter was supposed to do. Things quickly strayed from that;
It started out gradual, her sometimes not feeding us. She would spend all day on one of our two computers, scrolling through Facebook, sleeping on our couches, or tanning out on our pool.
This gave my cousin, my brother and I opportunity to do whatever we wished. My brother mostly stayed inside, though. He would play video games or play with miniatures.
I can distinctly remember two days where Brianna and I wandered around the neighborhood, doing either one of two things; pathetically trying to sell drink packets or trying to shoot chipmunks with our BB guns. Mind you, at the time, we were young and stupid, but in the absence of my cousin, we could do whatever we wished.
When she was awake, she would talk to us about things. Things that haunted me for a long time. She talked about her sex life, what sex was. She would force us to watch pornography. She would describe naughty things that she and her boyfriend would do in the woods or at home. She made it sound like it was a right thing to do, and that we should do it.
She taught us curse words, and told us to use them at each other. Again, it felt normal. But, she told us never to say anything to our parents, that we would end up in little kid jail. I felt like if I told, it would my fault we got into trouble. But, things reached a peak one day. She took my brother into his room, and locked the door. She blocked it, so neither me nor my other cousin could get in. So, we walked away. She told us to leave her alone, and to go watch TV.
As far as I know, she only molested my brother once, but considering how much time she spent over at our house, who knows?
Today, things are worse. CPS have been notified, and we have been to an agency for help once my brother spoke up, but that was 10 months ago. They took our computers to look for evidence, but we have yet to hear a single thing.
I am losing faith.
Amber is now 18, a legal adult, and has a newborn kid with a 21-year-old.
Because of her, I have trust issues. I now know that there will always be bad people in the world, and with light, there is always a shadow.
Again, I have given up hope that she will be reprimanded for what she did.
It upsets me to know that she is still out there, around other people, other kids.