Being that I’m much older now I realize all the things that I went through in the past we’re wrong. When I was a child between ages of 5-7 (maybe even before) I was being molested by my older brother who was 4 years older than me. I remember when it first started with him wanting to come into my room and he would make me lay on the floor face down as he slowly humped me for a while. I was confused at the time but never dared tell my parents, I was so young that I didn’t even realize it was something wrong. This became more and more often for my brother as he would call me into his room but soon he started to do more. He would take out his penis right in front of me and force me to take off my clothes so he could rub on me somehow.
At this moment, I became frustrated/scared and even said if he did it again I would tell our mother (even though I never was) but that never stopped him. The worst of them all was he actually tried to put his penis in my mouth or rub him down there raw. I was so traumatized by this moment that by the fourth time he try to attempt for me to do it I cried. With my mother rushing to the bed room and brother trying to get out, I made up a simple lie for my crying.
Till than my brother would forever take his anger out on me, saying he was gonna hurt me, maybe even kill. While my mother wouldn’t look he would punch me on my legs or shoulders. When we got a little older my brother was diagnose with bipolar disease but even so after all the therapy he took, my sexual abuse was never told. Even though we are much older and never speak of the topic, it goes through my mind almost every single day. I’m almost 18 now and for over 15 years I’ve been holding this truth.
And unfortunate to say, I was sexually assaulted again by my boyfriend at the time 2 years ago when he had persuade me to have oral sex with him. (And yes persuading a person for sexual desire is a form of sexual harassment/assault). He put me down a cold metal vent of some sort and gave me oral sex, forcing me to get completely naked cold outside. Yet I still “loved him” and came back, I was manipulated. Till the last day I had saw him as he pushed me hard into the outside sidewalk ground saying I was “disgusting” and I should “get out of his face”. I cried the whole way home. Few years after that even I actually I try to explain to on of my closest friends what happen but he didn’t believe me.
Still to this day my stories have never been told as I always told myself I would get stronger and get over it, but it’s been months and I’m still bleeding.