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Too drunk to respond

I was living in a university dorm. I was 18. I had had too much to drink and my older next door neighbor had said that he would help me as I had cut my hand on glass. He took me into his room. He started to kiss me and take off my pants. I didn’t want to do anything with him so I rolled onto my stomach. All I wanted to do was sleep and be left alone. Even though I have very foggy memories of that night that is how I know he raped me. I didn’t want to. I thought he would leave me alone if I was on my stomach. I didn’t say no but I was too out of it to consent or fight back. Instead he had sex with me from behind. I was half conscious. I felt sick. After he was done he put me to sleep in someone else’s room and assured me he wouldn’t tell anyone. When I woke up I felt disgusting. Every time I would see him I would feel sick. I found out later that he had done the same thing to another girl, and has probably done it time and again to so many other women.

For years I tried to deal with it myself until it became too heavy. In a way he was in the room every time I would have sex with my boyfriend. His shadow was always there. Even now, 22 years on and after counseling, it is there. I doubted for a while if it was rape, but now I know. It still makes me cry. Especially now with so many women coming forward, it is there. It all comes to the surface.

— Survivor, age 40

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  • Alexis
  • Mary

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