I had just gotten out of a relationship with someone I was crazy about when a guy I graduated with the year before texted me wanting to go swimming. I had a crush on him through out school so, why not? We went swimming with some of his friends down at a river on August 17, 2014 and he asked me to come over to his house after to watch movies, so I did. When we got there it was his little brother, stepdad, him, and me and him and I went to his room to start the movie. His little brother came in to tell us his stepdad was taking him to a friends.
After they left he looked at me and kissed me. I kissed him back which lead to more such as oral sex. He asked me to have sex but I was still a virgin and was still upset about my ex so I declined. He informed me I had to finish what I started and pinned me down and proceeded to rape me. While trying to get free I begged him to get off because of how bad it hurt then he laughed and said “Speed up? Okay!” Then told me to calm down, it couldn’t hurt that bad and he was almost done. When he finished he turned around and said “Aren’t you glad I was your first?” I put my clothes on and left.
Left ashamed, empty, guilty, and numb all at the same time. I had to work early the next morning so I took some pills that morning just to stop all the feelings. When my manager got to work I wasn’t able to function and she called me to the back and asked me what happened. I broke down and told her and she took me home and my mom took me to the police station. I didn’t tell then we had oral sex because that’s what started it all, if I hadn’t done that I wouldn’t have been raped so when they found out that we had they closed the case and said I could try again but I didn’t want to, it was too stressful.
May of 2015, I got into a physically and emotionally abusive relationship but in June of 2015 I told my therapist I wanted to start working on my rape in my next session and he was so proud of me. But then July 18, 2015, four days before my appointment, where I would work on my rape my boyfriend at the time choked me during sex and it threw me into a panic attack. I told him to leave but he threw me back down on the bed and told me it wasn’t his fault. I wasn’t strong enough to deal with my past and pinned me down on my stomach and raped me then left me there naked and again, numb.
I didn’t tell anyone for a month, I stayed with him and let it eat me inside out. I finally had an emotional breakdown and told my dad who talked me into breaking up with him. I was almost raped again in September of 2015 because my sisters friend stumbled in my room drunk and wouldn’t leave the room or leave me alone. Before I knew it his pants were off and he had just gotten mine off. Instead of fighting back, I prepared myself but he was too drunk and passed out on top of me.
I’m back to being numb, feeling alone, not knowing what to do to avoid being raped, thinking maybe I’m here to be hurt so others don’t be. Everyday is a struggle to get out of bed, but I’m making it, one day at a time.
— Brittany Harris, age 19