Writing this is very surreal for me, especially since this is a public setting, but I’m sick of being silent much more. I don’t want others to silence me anymore.
I’ve experienced repeated sexual assault. The first time I remember was when I was little. I barely even remember what happened exactly. I just remember one moment being with my family at the local catholic church party and the next moment being in an unrecognizable place–but with a man I knew and whom my family trusted. I don’t even remember if he just molested me or proceeded to rape me digitally, I just don’t remember. I was so young and only remember bits and pieces of it now, so I only end up saying I was molested because that’s the little I remember of it.
The next time I remember was when I was in the vestibule of a church and one of the ex-music ministers molested me there. I was so shocked, I couldn’t stop it. I couldn’t say anything. I couldn’t do anything about it. I was just too startled. I was 17 then.
Now I am 19, and earlier this year I was sexually molested by a fellow student during class on college campus. I’m still startled and keep asking myself whether it even happened, especially since it was during class–which should make it impossible. But apparently it wasn’t impossible. It did happen to me. The student who hurt me simply did not care what I thought, and neither did the campus who told me to instead “withdraw the class” soon after they lied to me by telling me that something would be done about my presented case. I feel so many lies and deceits running throughout the campus to the point I just want to leave. I can’t stand it. It hurts too much.
But I don’t want to keep silent anymore. I just can’t. It hurts too much to keep silent. I hope I am not alone in any of this unwanted suffering.
— Survivor, age 19