You think you’ve found one of the most charming men you’ve ever met. He’s handsome and his initial personality will melt you. He wants to spend every single day with you, is very affectionate, gets you little gifts, sends you an adorable quote first thing every single morning along with telling you how beautiful you are, he’ll tell you that you make him the happiest he’s been in a long time, boasts about how different he is compared to other men, how he’s committed to you and only you, how he would never hurt you, how he wants to create a “dynasty” with you, is always boasting about how he is a gentleman, how good-looking he is, how good he is in bed, and how he likes to spoil his women. He’ll talk about how he “doesn’t tolerate disrespect towards women,” how he doesn’t like arguing, how secure he is, and if there was “ever a time where he felt like he was going to raise his voice to a woman he would just walk way.” Sounds perfect right?
You get a rush from his attention and charm, while he’s rushing to get a relationship.
After a couple of weeks of knowing him, but most likely you’ve already started to see it, he will reveal another color of himself. It’s dark. Confusing. Painful. It’s fueled by roughly 15 years of drug abuse and addiction. It’s fueled by anger when his dad would no longer support him and he had to drop out of college and move out of state.
My relationship with him escalated very quickly. I fell for every word he said and I melted over the idea of who he said he was. Within days of meeting him, he was talking about future plans with me. He even told me at one point that his ex-girlfriend of 4 years emotionally abused him – I apologized and said “abuse of any kind is not cool.” I realize now that his claim was an extremely ironic one to make. Within 2 weeks, he was professing his love to me and telling me that within 6 months he wanted to put a ring on my finger. When I didn’t feel as strongly for him the way he was with me, this upset him. It had only been 2 weeks since we met. I needed time for my feelings to develop naturally.
I discovered that he binges on alcohol and cocaine almost every weekend. The alcohol/cocaine binges start with beers around dinner time, followed by a “quick stop” to pick up cocaine from his friend – meeting at his friend’s house, a gas station, or a bar. He says he needs the cocaine to “wake up.” Someone who bingers on alcohol and drugs every weekend for years does not suddenly stop, not for anyone. This will not stop. This behavior didn’t start with me and it will not end with me.
If for any reason I didn’t want to have sex, this was unacceptable to him. I was getting over a cold once and I told him I didn’t feel well. He didn’t say, “I hope you feel better.” Instead, he’d insult me, tell me I was “being a bitch,” that I “should be attracted to him” and that since I was his “girlfriend I should want to have sex.” If I said “no” this what I heard every time. Every. Single. Time. Yes, I was attracted to my boyfriend. Sometimes though, I just wasn’t in the mood. He interpreted this as “having to beg for it.” This was not the case. At all. He said verbatim, he’s “not used to being told no.” Is he not used to hearing “no,” or he doesn’t understand what “no” means? No woman in this world should feel guilty or be insulted and berated for saying no.
He is quick to react to criticism of any kind during an argument. Even if it’s as simple as wanting to talk about your feelings or a disagreement you had. He jumps into the offense. He shuts down and immediately starts opposing everything you say. You’ll most commonly hear him say, “got it,” “Rodger that,” “shut the fuck up,” “get the fuck out,” and “you’re such a fucking bitch.”
Things are never his fault. Even when he drinks, does cocaine, and gets mean – if you try to defend yourself or stand up for yourself, he will then blame you for his actions because you “argued.” There were many times in between where he would insult me, threaten to break up with me, and belittle me until I cried and pleaded for him to stop being mean to me. It never stopped.
Why didn’t I leave? He kept saying he would never hurt me. I trusted him. I kept hanging onto the good things – cute messages every morning, the attention, things we had in common, etc. I have low self-esteem. I kept trying to justify the emotional torture I received by telling myself exactly what he kept telling me, it was my fault. After all, he’d frequently remind me when I was “doing good” at the relationship. I kept falling for his denials – whenever he decided he was done with a tirade, he’d try to hug me and he’d ask, “you know I care about you right?”
He will never admit any wrongdoing and he will only mention the things that make him look good and make me look bad. I know it’s easy to call an ex-girlfriend psycho. It’s what women do because we are often portrayed that way by the men we previously dated. Don’t be so quick to call someone psycho when you do not yet have the full story.
I am no longer in the relationship. Please know that I have no interest in being in those shoes again, or putting something so scary and negative back into my life again. I do not want a life of weekends spent binging on alcohol and cocaine. I do not want a life of verbal abuse or worse, possible sexual assault.
I am telling you – you deserve better because you have had better. When it happens to you, do not blame yourself as I have. You will have not have done anything wrong to warrant the behavior that he will put you through.
A kind man shows genuine concern over the choices that he makes. A kind man does not betray, he does not lie, he does not insult you, threaten you, make you feel guilty, throw you to the street, or make you feel inferior in any way.
I am not the first person he has treated this way, and I am certainly not the last. You’re next in line.
— Survivor, age 31