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Was It Me?

I have been suffering from my incident for quite some time. I was 15 at the time and it was just before my 16th birthday. I am 20 now. I was hanging out with a group of people I had trusted since the 9th grade. I must admit I had a crush on two of the boys in this group, but I never did anything about it because I wasn’t confident enough. It was one of the boys’ birthday in January (the one I had a crush on) and he invited me to a little get together with a group of people. I had no idea that I would be sexually assaulted that night.
It was a cold night, and I remember my dad driving me from my mom’s house to my friend’s (let’s just call him A for asshole because he was and I never saw it). When I got there there were these girls who hated me and bullied me in the past, and I was kind of anxious about that because I didn’t want anything to happen and I was wondering why these girls were there in the first place. I had a few drinks (specifically vodka). I asked A where his bathroom was and he lead me to it. He closed the door behind me and said, “Let’s fuck.” I declined politely and told him to leave and he did. Later I got so uncomfortable that the girls were there that I just started throwing back shots. I had no idea how alcohol affected me, especially when I was on medication. Last thing that night I remember is getting into the car to go to a movie.
I woke up in a hospital with a weird pain on my finger. It was pricked from testing my BAL (blood alcohol level). My dad and mom were looking over me with no idea what was going on. I remember going home feeling like I had a fucking merry-go-round spinning in my head. I was confused, I had no idea what happened. There was puke in my hair, my shoes and my jacket. I didn’t know what was going on. My dad tried to talk to me but I was still incoherent, I think I was just apologizing to him.
The next day; hangover killing my whole body, my dad told me that the police had found me in the bathroom passed out. He asked me what happened, but I really had no idea. I called one of the girls and asked them what happened, and she told me while in the movie we were getting each other off. I was later told that wasn’t the case, and that I was unconscious during the movie and 2 other guys were sexually assaulting me in a theatre full of people. No one said anything? No one told them to stop because I was clearly not able to consent? And then everyone who went with us to the movie just left me there, in my own puke in the bathroom of the movie theatre. And then lied about it. I asked them why they left me and they told me they didn’t want to get arrested for underage drinking. My house was a 5 minute walk. The funny part is, it wasn’t even A who had sexually assaulted me. It was 2 others. But A was the one who spread the rumor around that I was lying about being sexually assaulted. He threatened me and told me if I went to the cops he’d tell everyone about my awful childhood and my alcoholic mother. He bullied me into thinking no one would believe me.
I hadn’t told my parents what happened until 2 years after. How could I? How could I tell the people who loved me the most in the world that I had just got my innocence taken away by someone I trusted? Their little girl had been taken advantage of, and I know for sure if I were a parent I would be heart-broken. I hate myself for continuing to be friends with them after the fact until I finally blew up. I never stood up for myself and that’s what I regret the most.
I have flashbacks now, I remember what happened. I remember the hellish movie Ghost Rider with Nicholas Cage’s firey face. How ironic is that? No wonder no one in my school believed me. I didn’t even believe myself. I constantly question if I asked for it. At the end of the day I know I didn’t because I wouldn’t still be stuck with this sick feeling every time I walk into a movie theatre bathroom. Or even see the name Ghost Rider. It is built into my very being. I have so much hate and regret. It has been 5 years. Was it me? Was it my fault everyone left me and called me a slut for “fucking in the movie theatre?” I now cannot form new friendships and keep them. I have a boyfriend of 3 years who is my amazing anchor, but even sometimes I sink below it. How can I get over something so horrible, that it had followed me even when I left that school?

1 comment

  • Alissa Ackerman

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