Between the ages of 7 1/2 and 9 1/2 I was continually molested by my step-brothers Robert Redwine (16-17) and Earl Redwine Jr. (18). These molestations escalated briefly to a one time event when I was 8. That’s when Robert attempted to penetrate me. He stopped when I cried out in pain, fearing discovery, I guess. The sexual molestations continued, however, under the threat of physical violence.
To this day (I’m 64) I ask myself why didn’t I put up a fight…bite, scream, kick…anything. Instead, I just did my best to hide.
My mother doesn’t understand why I don’t wear clothes that are feminine and colorful. I guess I’m still hiding.
— Karen Henrickson
Karen,
I was really moved by your story. I hope it is helpful for you to know that your reaction to the molestation was completely normal. Did you know that the vast majority of victims of sexual violence don’t fight? Our brains are wired to protect us and when we face trauma of any kind our brains immediately shut off everything that is not “fight, flight, or freeze”. It is as if we have no control over how we respond to trauma because our brains go on autopilot. For two and a half years of your childhood you were in a state of trauma. So the fact that all you did was try to hide makes perfect sense. You did everything right to protect yourself and keep yourself safe from additional trauma and violence. You did everything right.
Trauma impacts people in various ways. There really is no right way to be a survivor, but the fact that you dress the way you do is actually a really common theme among survivors. Again, it is a self protective mechanism.
Know that you have nothing to be embarrassed or ashamed about. You are incredibly brave.
Light and love to you,
Alissa