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When Will This Nightmare End

After watching Brave Miss World and seeing all those brave Women speak about their experiences, I felt that I should support them and share mine. As there might be someone out there who has experienced the same.

It is not easy to share this as it has been so long 10 years ! but I am at a point now where I don’t know how much longer I can carry this, I feel as if I am in hell! So I hope this helps somebody out there.

At aged 11 I was raped and inappropriately touched during a week period from the 28/5/05- 4/6/05 whilst on a family holiday in Egypt by the cleaner at our hotel. Everyday he would come into our hotel room more often than a cleaner should do and he was always around. .The rape occurred when my parents went to the pool and myself and sister stayed in the hotel room to get changed and meet them at the pool. After my parents left the hotel room me and my sister began to get changed, this is when the cleaner entered our room. Myself and my sister continued to get ready he then entered the bedroom and cornered myself and my sister which was near the bed. I told my sister to lock herself in the bathroom, which she did. He then raped me. Even after this he still persisted to come into our hotel room in which he would touch me and my sister inappropriately .My parents are still unaware of what has happened as I feel too much time has passed to tell them.

My feelings of guilt from this remain a dominant aspect of my life as I feel if i should have been brave enough to tell my parents at the time. As I constantly think if this has happened to anyone else I feel responsibility for this as I did not report the rape and touching.

As time has gone on since this I have struggled to cope, in which I have sought to self destructive methods. I am at a point now where the thoughts and nightmares around this are constant and I am finding it extremely difficult to manage. For around a year now it has began to have majorly impacted my life and affected my studies and work. I have not received much support from my university and I only hope the support improves in universities for survivors.

I really do hope things improve as I really do not know how much more I can take. I have written a poem about rape from my experience:

The poem is called Taboo

When will this subject stop being taboo?
Possibly when this life changing thing happens to you?
You avoid it all you can
But guess what it can happen to any women any man
At Any age
It feels like being trapped in a cage
Nobody ever knows what to say
That’s why everyone stays away
You finally take the courage to tell someone
As soon as you do they are gone
Except now they look at you with that stare
All you can think is do they actually care
They give you a look to say I know
But that makes you feel extremely low
To think they know and have nothing say
You begin to think it must be ok
To have been raped and abused
It makes me feel so confused
If I can talk about it openly whom this has happened to
Then why can’t you?
If I had something you could see
Like a broken bone or a dislocate knee
You wouldn’t think twice about asking me
If I was ok or if I needed to talk today
Just because it was rape why should I pay
People think it’s our fault
We were drunk,wearing short clothes and out late
But that’s simply not the case
I was child like many others
Thinking I was safe underneath my covers
I was 11 so did you think that was consensual too?
It wasn’t my choice to be raped and abused
Society makes us feel this way
By the looks and what they say
Everyday the rape replays inside your head
Most days you contemplate you’d be better off dead
To cope you take drugs, drink alcohol and self harm
You do anything to keep calm
You maybe the one whose case makes it court
But even then the defendant tries to make you think all sorts
like you are responsible and it wasn’t a crime
How could you possibly know as you were not there at the time?
It’s your word against theirs
Even with evidence it depends on those 12 chairs
Guilty or not guilty then everyone begins to glare
This sentence is just not fair
voices are needed for those who cannot speak
For society this is a topic which need to be leaked
This topic needs more awareness and support
So we can see more justice within the courts
And enable more people to reach out
It could be your friend, family someone you know nothing about
But by speaking about rape more
this will become a topic less raw
To be able to say those three words openly
I was raped without stigma hopefully
And those who have suffered to find a voice again.
This poem is for them.

Thank you for reading my story hope each and every survivor gets the support you deserve.


1 comment

  • Alissa Ackerman


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