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Why?

I had been married for 9 years, when my husband and I decided to separate. I had gone out, and ran into a person that I always thought was cute, everyone knew, and was in the National Guard so why not trust him. That first night was amazing. He danced with me, told me I was beautiful, touched me in a way that I had been craving for 10 years. I felt wanted. I was in lust after just 1 night with him. This was a Thursday night February 13th.

Saturday night February 15th I had gone out with some of my friends, and was hoping to run into him. I decided to go home around 1 and at 2:30 I received a message from him. He was sort of acting like a jerk but I just remembered the first night so I got out of bed and drove over to his house. On Thursday night he had asked to perform anal sex on me. I declined and told him maybe eventually when I felt more comfortable. Well back to Saturday – I was performing oral sex when he grabbed and pulled me up. I was on my belly when he whispered “DONT CRY RAPE” in my right ear. I was sort of in shock as I didn’t understand until a few minutes later. He was performing consensual sex, when he then tightened his grip around my wrist pulled out and started to perform anal sex on me. I screamed No. I shifted. I moved. I said no no no. I stopped. I stared at the wall with the glow of the TV there was nothing I could do, and then he rolled off me still had my hand and said finish him off – and I did. I don’t know why. I don’t know what I was thinking. I don’t know – I just did. I stared at the wall until he pushed me off of him and rolled over and fell asleep.

I laid there – frozen on my back. I questioned everything. This guy from the other night didn’t do that did he..he was supposed to be perfect, the other night he touched me so beautiful, what did he just so to me. That didn’t just happen, my dad taught me better than that. I work as a Sexual Assault Advocate so that couldn’t happen to me, I help sexual assault victims I know better. I can’t be a victim myself. I laid there. I just laid there. I got up got dressed went home and laid in bed until Monday.

I had originally decided not to tell the police, but when I did that was also a bad experience. I was questioned for around 4-6 hours. He was questioned for 1. I was told my actions didn’t make since and that people wouldn’t understand a mother being in a bar. I had reached out to my rapist in March to tell him I needed to understand – I was told by the police that didn’t make since why would I want to communicate. It was not a stranger rape and I was not beaten. I was not what they considered a “classic” rape victim. I was beaten. I didn’t do a rape kit, and I wanted to ask him why – so I was in the wrong. I left my job as a Sexual Assault Advocate – I couldn’t handle it. I couldn’t handle myself, and now I know I couldn’t support a person reporting because of what I went through.

No Sexual Assault Cases are the same, no victims are the same but all victims need t o be respected.

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