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You are not alone

I was 16 and a virgin. I never had a boyfriend at that point, just once shared a kiss before.
A female friend was at that time sexual more experienced and wanted to have drinks at her place with 2 male colleagues of her.
We drank alcohol and the next thing I know about is the next morning I wake up in a bed full of blood.
I went to the bathroom and everything on the floor was full of blood. I had scratches on my arm and my clothes were torn apart.
The guy stubbed out cigarettes on my arm.

Later the female friend, what I thought she is in that moment, told me I cried for help and plead him that he should let me stay a virgin. His friend wanted to have sex with me as well after he violated me, but my rapist wanted to have me for him alone.
Did I have been drugged or was this experience too painful for me so that I can’t remember what happened until today. I don’t know.

I gained in 3 weeks 15 kilos and I barely spoke anymore.

After 1.5 years I started to go out and there was one guy who flirted with me. Ive not been interested. It was the cousin of the date from my friend.
We were all in a room and they started to make out with each other. So the guy started to force himself to me. I tried to push him away from me but he ignored it. I just felt that I spaced out. I said no and again no… It didn’t take so long for him until he let me go.
My friend was too drunk or to ignorant to interfere and i survived two rapes.

One i can’t remember and the other one I am aware of. I don’t know if one feels worse than the other. My first time is now 8 years ago.
After that I just wanted to die. I cut myself, I took drugs, I had sex with men who were aggressive and violent. The sex with them felt if someone would pour me with gasoline and light up my skin. I was dying and my soul was screaming every time I had sex.

3 years ago I got to know a man which whom I had a relationship with for 1.5 years.
He treated me like dirt. Slapped and punched me whenever he wanted to. I never had visible bruises though. But with every slap or punch a part of me died with it.
After 1.5 years he threw once his mobile phone in my face because I laughed and he didn’t like it in that moment.
My nose was swollen, blue and bleeding. I had a hole above my upper lip, which was swollen as well and my left side of the face hang down at the moment.

I went still to school and to public, but I experienced it myself. Strangers were looking at my with pity. It destroyed me. In school everyone asked me what happened and I made stupid excuses like that I had an accident etc.
But the moment my parents saw me as I came home broke my heart.
They started to cry and hugged me and didn’t want to let me go again.

I knew then that I never again want to feel powerless.
Nothing of these things which happen were my fault, but still I saw that as a sign that I want to support other women and start to process my rapes and abuses and grow out of it.

The pain will never leave and memories can’t be erased, but nobody can take my will and my strength.
After so many years I start the path of self love and acceptance.

This path will not be a short one but one day I want to establish my own women right´s organization or a women ´s shelter.
I had luck to have the love and warmth of my parents. That was the only reason why I never committed suicide. A long time I just wanted to die.

Some other women don’t have that luck.

You are not alone. We share all sufferings and scars on our hearts and souls.
But we will never be broken.

— Leila, age 24


  • Alexis
    • Leila


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