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You Can’t Trust Anyone

At the time he was my boyfriend of about 6 months. my first boyfriend in high school had cheated on me with my best friend, that relationship doesn’t hold much meaning to me because first loves to me can be first mistakes I was very young and should have seen it coming. But regardless I didn’t and I moved on. He was older, about four years captain of the basketball team I was a freshman in nursing school with a whole
Future ahead of me. I had taken two online classes for him to help him pass his senior year of college. I refuse to hold myself accountable for being til giving because I will never discredit someone for being too giving. To give is to receive and I learned immensely from the process. It was a few months after he graduated I was soon to enter my sophomore year. His birthday was in early July and I had bought him a pair of sneakers he wanted very badly. It was a Friday around 6 o clock I picked up the sneakers and planned to driven almost two hours to where he had moved to after graduation and where he had grown up. Usually I would go to his moms house where he had moved back to in search of a job, he had given me an address to his “friends” house. I didn’t think much of it. It was a three decker apartment they were stationed on the third floor after I exchanged gifts he invited me up to the third floor and I obliged. I remember him along with three unknown friends in this very vacant apartment. There was a card table maybe three folding chairs and a half inflated air mattress in one room. At the time he was my world I was young and in love and it had been almost two months since I’d seen him. I expressed to him that I was going to leave soon due to the long drive when he urged me to go into one of the bedrooms for a quickie. As much as my body craved him I knew deep down something was off. Regardless I began to undress and comply to my boyfriends wishes, we were both naked when he told me quickly he had to pee and he would be right back. As I stood there waiting for him to return the door flew open. The three foreign men had paid him 50 dollars a piece to have their way with me. It began by two men holding me against the wall while the remaining man tried to finger and persuade me. After minutes of begging and shouting they became frustrated and threw me on the ground. One man held my legs down while the other forced his way in. Any one who has been raped can attest to the pain of not wanting, of not condoning it explains itself. It’s science. If you don’t want it it’s nothing but pain and fear. The second man had his turn while the first one held me down by my throat cursing at me for not pretending to enjoy his act of terror. It was at this point when a glimpse of god shown through. The third man. His eyes. It was like his mother or daughter or sister had shown through his soul and empathy poured out. It was his turn and not only did he decline he expressed such hatred towards his peers and self disgust. He even physically assaulted the first man and stated “she’s screaming she’s crying please stop it”. I could never hate this man as much as I love wanted to, if one thing positive were to come from this life changing experience it would be not only my own self perseverance I encountered but the reality that flashed through his eyes and the nightmares of that night I know he shares with me til this day. He could have done more, but I’ve actually encountered the same man as an advocate for rape victims. we are strong. We cannot be. Broken more than we have. Pray for your accusers because they will hopefully spend eternity in regret. We can rise about the stereotypes and we will persevere. They are tainted, they are broken, they will end up begging the lord for forgiveness. Stay powerful 🙂

— Survivor, age 23


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