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I’ll Never Be Whole Again

My story is long. Long and pathetic.

Have you ever heard the saying “I survived, but I’m also dead”? That’s me in a nutshell.

Everything I’m writing is true, and really happened.

The way I’m going to write it is like reading a fucked up book.

The reason why I’m doing this is when I use this format, sometimes I can separate myself from the reality of what happened. Pretend that it’s someone else’a story.

I’m sorry for any typos, I got a 36 on my English ACT, but I’m crying as I’m writing this, so please bear with me.

I’m going to tell you right now, if I was someone else who was reading this, I would think I was pathetic.

So if you want to continue reading, that’s fine, but just know that I’m bordering on manic, and it might not make sense in some parts.



I was in my sophomore year in high school.

I was the rising star in the drama department. I’d always been good at acting, and everything that came with it: Lying, hiding emotions, etc. It all came very easy to me. No one could compare to me in class (I know it sounds egotistical, but it’s true. I’d been told, even though I didn’t think so. ). That is, until I met him.

He was a junior. He had gotten our class on accident because he had a free period.

To others, he wasn’t very handsome, but the second I saw him, I knew he was different.

His voice was like liquid gold, and he easily charmed everyone in the room within the first 10 minutes.

Everyday at the end of the drama class, we would play a game called “Freeze”.

The game was simple.

Two people would get on the stage and start a scene. When someone saw and opportunity they would yell “FREEZE”, and the two people acting would freeze. The person who said freeze would then go and switch places with one of the actors.

Most of the time I was never switched out.

I was in the middle of a scene when I heard him say freeze. I watched as he went into the stage with me.

Our scene was changed into that of a boyfriend and girlfriend sitting on the coach, and talking about school.

And I thought he was a good actor, but not great that is until he grabbed me by the arm.

I looked up at his face and was taken aback by the cold, evil look in his eyes.

Just like that, the scene changed from a happy couple, to a boyfriend who physically and verbally abused his girlfriend.

In that moment, we were perfect.

He was perfect.


November 22, 2013

It was before I had confessed to him.

We had been in the middle of a break from rehearsing for the play were both in.

I was the female lead and he was the male lead.

I was eating my snack by myself away from everyone else, like I usually did, when I felt a hand on my shoulder.

I knew it was him before I even turned around because I could smell his cologne.

“Hey you.” He’d said to me with a smile that I’d stay up all night thinking about.

“Hey back.” I said, putting down my pretzels. “Do you need me for something?”

He sighed like he was reluctant to ask, “Yes, it seems I do.”

I stood up, eager to please.

“What do you need-”

I didn’t even get to finish my sentence before he had pulled me close to him, one hand on my waist, one hand intertwined with my left hand.

“What are you doing?” I said, my heart beating so hard I thought it was going to explode.

He chuckled against my hair, “Well you see, you’re too beautiful to sit in the corner and eat by yourself. I had to come and save you.”

“Is that so?” I whispered.

He didn’t answer. Instead he began to move in a circle that transformed into a slow dance.

“L is for the way you look at me….”

I remember biting my lips hard enough to draw blood in case I was dreaming.

I wasn’t.

I closed my eyes and the memory was forever engrained into my mind.

“O is for the way you look at me…”

I looked up at his lips, and I felt myself leaned toward them before forcing myself to look away.

“Maybe we should stop.” I said, the waver in my voice very apparent. “People will think-”

“Think what? That we’re a couple?” He said, amused. “What’s wrong with that?”

I didn’t answer and I started to pull away, but he continued to hold me against him.

“Ssssh.” He’d whispered soothingly. “Just enjoy the moment.”

As soon as he said those words, I’d already pressed myself against him as much as I could, and was breathing in his scent like a heroin addict would when they’d found their fix.

“V is very, very, extraordinary. E is even more than anyone one that you adore. And love is all that I can give to you. Love is more than just a game for two. Two and love can make it, take my heart and please don’t break it…”

That’s when I realized I would never be able I fall out of love with him. I was never going to able to shake it.

He and I. Forever. And I was ok with that. I’d fallen for my best friend.

Or so I thought.

“Love was made for me and you.”


After practice, we were always the last ones to be picked up.

Both our moms were workaholics.

I didn’t mind. It was more time I got to spend with him.

We would always sit close together for warmth in the cold December weather.

It had just started to snow when I felt his hand in mine.

I looked over at him and he was staring straight ahead like nothing was happening.

I didn’t say anything. I was worried if I did, he would let go.

So I stayed quiet as the snow continued to fall. And for once in my life, the cold didn’t bother me at all.

I confessed to him the next day.


November 23, 2013

I had pulled me into a janitors closet. I was so nervous. I went from mumbling to talking at a speed so fast, he couldn’t understand me.

When I finally managed to tell him how I felt, he told me that it was a complicated question, and he didn’t know how he felt.

He told me to find him after the cast party and that he’d have an answer for me by then.

And I’d believed to him. I’d taken the final step into his trap.


November 24, 2013

The cast party was at his house, and everybody from the play was there, except for the adults.

I had lied to my mom and said that his parents were going to be home when in reality, they were gone for the weekend.

There was alcohol, but neither of us drank any.

I enjoyed the party, but I couldn’t quit looking at the clock.

Finally, it was 11 pm and everyone was leaving his house.

I stayed behind by making the excuse that my mom was coming.

Everyone knew my mom was always late, so they didn’t bother to ask if I wanted a ride home.

He closed the door, and it was just me and him in the house.


I sat awkwardly on his couch, drinking my sprite, and sneaking glances at him.

He walked over and sat beside me on the couch.

“Hey.” He said, a small smile on his face.

“Hey back.” I replied, mirroring his smile.

“So did you mean it?” He asked quietly. “Do you really love me?”

I looked over at him, brown eyes meeting blue.

“Yes.” I said, making sure he knew I was being sincere.

It was a full 14 seconds before he responded.

“Alrighty then.”

With that, he leaned forward and kissed me, and I felt fireworks go off inside my head.

I kissed him back tenderly at first, but it wasn’t long before his hands were in my hair, and my arms were around his neck. I laid on my back, giving him a better angle so that he could crawl on top of me.

The kiss was amazing.

My dreams were coming true.

But that all ended when he pulled away.

I had opened my eyes, happier than I’d ever been in my entire life, but the look in his eyes took me off guard.

They were cold. Ice cold.

“Oh Maddie, Maddie, Maddie.” He sighed, pushing himself off of me. “You poor girl.”

A sense of dread was making its way to my stomach.

“What?” I asked, confused.

He let out a dark laugh that made me flinch.

“You actually fell in love with me. Head over heels. How sweet.”

His cold eyes never left mine.

“When I realized what was happening, I couldn’t believe it. I’ve never had someone fall in love with me before. And you did. You fell so hard.”

He looked at me and reached out and ran his left hand down my face.

I was shocked and unable to speak.

“Of course, I suppose there were a few moments when I thought I could fall for you too… But unfortunately, I’m unable to love someone. Turns out I’m something of a-”

“Psychopath.” I breathed out, before beginning to have a panic attack.

I sunk back into his coach, hyperventilating. My breaths were shallow and uneven.

He watched me emotionlessly.

“You made it so easy for me Maddie. You made it so easy. I was just being myself. You know, without being my ACTUAL self. But you saw me. That’s something I knew about you from the second I met you. You saw right through me.”

“You knew who I was. You knew WHAT I was. And the best part was-” He laughed, and kneeled in front of me as I was still gasping for air. “That’s what drew you to me in the first place.”

Tears were beginning to spill from my eyes, and he chuckled.

“Oh come on, Ms. Booker! Where’s the fiery, strong girl I know? Ah yes, that’s one of the many secrets you told only to me. The truth is, when you care about someone enough, you become weak. Like you are now.”

I was still crying, pulling my knees to my chest and shaking my head back and forth praying that I was having an episode, and that none of this was happening.

“Please…. Please no…. No… Please…”

He sighed, pulling me into him.

“I know every secret. Every weakness. You told me everything Maddie. Everything you’ve hidden your whole life, you’ve told me.”

He tilted me chin upwards and I looked away.

“And I know all of the ways to turn you on too.” He grinned. “Anytime I wanted something, all I had to do was tilt your chin up towards me, and you’d so anything I wanted. I could have asked you to have sex with me in the back room of the theater, and you would’ve-”

At that, I tried to scramble away from him, but he just tightened his grip on me.

“And if that was enough to make you do anything I asked, imagine what you’ll be willing to do if I do this…”

He tilted my chin upwards again and kisses me gently.

I melted into him like rain on the sidewalk.

He pulled away and my eyes were glazed over with dried tears and longing.

“Take off your clothes.” He said, sitting back on the coach.

I stood there shocked, “Why would you….”

He smirked.

“Don’t you love me?”

“Yes.” I said without hesitation.

“Don’t you want to make me happy?” He asked, his golden voice ripping into me like knives.

“Yes.” I answered again, my voice wavering.

“Then take off your clothes.”

I hesitated before reaching for the end of my shirt and pulling it over my head.

Next came my jeans.

I shimmied out of them as best I could.

So there I stood. Before him. In my underwear.

I crossed my arms over my stomach in embarrassment.

He said nothing for almost two minutes before motioning to me, “Come here.”

I walked towards him, and when I was close enough, he grabbed my wrist and pulled me into his lap.

I sat there, paralyzed, waiting for my next order.

“Alright, now here’s what’s going to happen.” He said. “I’m going come onto you. If you don’t react for a full minute, you will get rewarded. If you do react well…”

The grin on his face sent fear streaming through my veins.

It was all a game. I was just a game.

He looked over my body once before leaning forward and kissing me on the mouth.

I didn’t react. I closed my eyes, and tried to steal my will.

His lips moved from my mouth to my neck, and I was so tempted to move my neck away it was painful.

His hands were tracing up and down my sides, and I could feel them going higher and higher before they settled on my breasts.

I couldn’t help it. I moved away from him.

“Please don’t touch me-”

I never saw the slap coming.

My head was jerked to the side, and I slowly turned to look back at him and he was staring at me with a look of utter amusement.

“Tsk, tsk, tsk Maddie. What did I tell you? See what I had to do? If you hadn’t broken the rules all of that could have avoided.”

“You hit me….” I said, a lump forming in my throat. “You told me that you’d never hit a girl. You told that you could never hurt me….”

He chuckled.

“One of the many things I lied about.”

I met his eyes before jumping off his lap and making a break for the door.

I was almost there.

My fingers were touching the door handle when I felt his arm wrap around my waist.

“No!” I screamed, struggling against his hold.

I was picked up off the ground, and turned to face him.

His smile was terrifying.

“Now, Maddie; why did you run away?”

His grip on my arms tightened.

I was carried back into the living room, and dropped onto his couch.

I was still struggling, but he crawled on top of me, and was holding each of my wrists in a death grip.

That night, I was raped by the one person I had ever wanted to have sex with in my life.


After that, it became a regular occurrence.

He only raped me three other times after that.

He liked to use it as a threat.

Most of the time it was just me blowing him off.

I fought it every time, but in the end, I was the one who gave in.

Because after everything he’d done to me- I was still in love with him.

He quickly realized that my skin was dark enough that he could hit me in the face a couple times, and it would only look like like I’d been exercising.

The rest of my body was another story.

One day he kicked me so hard in the ribs that I didn’t get up off the floor for two hours.

The worst he’d ever beaten me was when he saw me laughing at something another guy had said.

I didn’t even get inside his house all the way before he threw me into a wall.

He’d choked me until I passed out, woke me up, and did it three more times

He kicked me in the ribs so hard, I didn’t move on the floor for an hour.

Then, he raped me and choked me at the same time.

He realized that if I passed out, he couldn’t hear my screams, so he stopped choking me during sex.

And I did scream.

I screamed and cried so loudly that a neighbor came over to see if every thing was ok.

He’d smiled his charming smile, and told them that he was simply watching a scary movie, and that he would turn it down.

This began in November 2013, and finally ended in April 2015.

He graduated.

I have a boyfriend now.

The first time he tried to kiss, I started crying.

I eventually told him what had happened, but I didn’t tell him who.

He’s the only one who knows.

Like I said before: I survived, but I’m dead.

I doubt I’ll ever truly be alive again.


  • Alissa Ackerman
  • Lau


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