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Why me?

I was 13 when I met my first boyfriend, he was 2 nearly 3 years older than me so at the time he was 15 soon to be turning 16. After about a month of being together he started to try and pressure me into doing sexual things with him. I remember him messaging me the night before asking me if I was ready and I would say that I was because I wanted to be ready, not for me but for him. But when it came to the day I couldn’t go through with it, I was only 13 after all. When I told him I couldn’t do it he got so angry and left me crying in our favorite spot in our local park/forest. After this day I was determined to not get scared and so the next few weeks we were building up to the “grand finale” but it wasn’t how I thought it was going to be. He took my virginity by force. I was so naive at the time and so twisted around his little finger that I stayed with him for nearly 2 years, even though rape was often on the agenda. The only time he ever really told me that he loved me was when he was raping me. Sick isn’t it?
The day I finally had enough was in February 2015, when he violently raped me in a subway near our town centre, to this day, over 3 years later I still haven’t returned to that subway or even got close to it. That was the final time that he raped me and it still broke my heart to leave him, but the violence that he used this time made me realise how messed up our relationship was and that I had to leave.

5 years later I still suffer with PTSD from the whole incident, or should I say incidents. I have now got a new boyfriend who has so kindly helped me through the trauma and has helped to build me back up.

But on August 3 2018, mine and my boyfriends best friend sexually assaulted me whilst I was on the verge of being blackout drunk. We were in the same bed, a king or queen sized bed so we could comfortable sleep without touching each other. But after finally falling asleep at 5:30am he woke me up not nearly an hour later (I was still very drunk at this time). He woke me up by putting his hand up my top and touching my chest and with his other he was touching my ass trying to get into my shorts.

The whole incident sent me back to a very dark place, I understand that it is no where near as bad as what some of you have dealt with. But the thing that hurt the most was that he was my best friend, who knew about my sexually and mentally abusive ex boyfriend but still thought that it would be okay. I just don’t understand.

Last night I slept at my boyfriends house. I had a panic attack when he tried to touch me to hug me so he could say goodnight. I’ve just entered into a sort of “recovery mode” with everything my ex did and now I’m having to deal with a similar sexual trauma all over again. I’m convinced there is a sign on my head inviting people to sexually abuse and/or rape me.

I know it’ll get better with time, but I don’t want to have to wait another 3 years before I feel free again.

I think the sickest part of the whole thing is that I miss him, my best friend, we were so close and he was one of the only people I could trust and he broke that, and my heart.

But I will get through this, #Iambrave.

— Becky, age 18


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