My parents were always out so it would just be me and my brother which was fine he took care of me and we were close so I never thought he would hurt me or tell me anything wrong so I trusted him. My mom went to work her night shift my dad was asleep and I had also went to sleep like any other night. My brother came into my room and got in the bed with me. I asked what he wanted and he said nothing just got to sleep. I thought it was strange since he never slept in the room with me before but I was half asleep anyway plus he was my brother I didn’t care. He started to rub my back and I remember thinking how nice of him and how soothing it was which was a big mistake. As he rubbed my back his hand made its way into my pants and he started squeezing my behind. It really caught me off guard and I froze for a moment. He then reached into my shirt and started squeezing my chest. When he did that I pushed his hand away and told him to stop but he kept putting his hands on me until I finally got out of the bed. I turned the lights on and asked what he was doing, he said nothing he was just playing and to be quiet so my dad didn’t hear or we’d get in trouble. I didn’t want that so I got back in the bed, a few moments later he started whispering in my ear asking me if he could show me something. I said ok and he put my hand on his private and said he could show me something else to make me feel good. I took my hand away and said no then he reached over and started touching me down there I couldn’t push him away and he just asking me if it felt good and that he was just trying to make me feel good. He then put his fingers inside me and I froze again. It hurt and I told him it did but he told me not to worry that it should feel good and to relax. He turned me over on my back and kept going, I didn’t know what I should do or what to feel it felt weird but I was told it was to make me feel good so I waited for it to stop. When it did I thought he was done but he took out his private and tried to put it inside me. That pain was even worse and I started crying so he covered my mouth put all his weight on top of me and forced it in. The whole time he kept telling me to stop crying and be quiet or my dad would come and hit us but I couldn’t the pain was unbearable and he ended up having to cover my face with a pillow and my dad never heard a thing. When it was over he smiled at me and said he knows it hurt. The first time was always like that but he wanted to show that he loved me and that’s what brothers and sisters do when they love each other but I couldn’t tell anyone because we aren’t supposed to do that around our parents or they would get mad. i agreed and he left. I was 13 at that time he was 17 and he’s been raping me ever since. I know that it’s wrong but what am I supposed to do? When it’s been going on for so long you get used to it. I’m afraid of him he’s my brother and he violate me. I know that this would destroy my parents and my family and I would take a lot of judgement for not speaking up which I don’t think I’m ready to deal with or if i can ever be ready. I know I may sound dumb for keeping quiet but it’s just not something I can talk verbally about its just too much for me right now if that’s understandable.
— Starasia, age 16