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Because of You

Because of you, I lost who I was. I lost everything that made me feel who I am as a person. You made me feel ashamed, scared, and disgusted all at the same time. You made me feel ashamed and disgusted because you have made me blame myself for what happened. Blaming myself for actions that I had no control over, blaming myself even though I said no, blaming myself for thinking it was my fault. When it wasn’t my fault. I’m not in control of anyone’s actions except my own. I shouldn’t have blamed myself for actions you committed. I now realize that it’s not my fault. I’ve spent weeks pondering how a person can do what you did and have no remorse. How a person like you could not care what your actions were. That your actions affect other people besides yourself. Because of you, I lost all my courage. I lost my… Continue reading »

These Men are More Protected Than We Are

I can’t tell names. I can’t publicly announce who they were because they’re protected by a law that says I could be sued for defamation. This makes me so angry! I was the one that was harassed, manipulated, attacked. And yet every one of them walks free. These men. Many men. As young as I can remember, it was my brother. My mother swept it under the carpet and I was never allowed to speak up. We pretended he never. He got away with it. Then there was my step father’s friend. I was only a pre-teen. He was an older Hungarian man. Then my horse back riding teacher and friend. I was 15. He was 35. I got pregnant. My mother called me a little slut and took me to have an abortion. I can still hear the beating heart. My mother is still friends with this man. I worked at a cellphone company…. Continue reading »

A Year After

My journal entry on April 18, 2017 -About a year after submitting my “first story” on this site I just made a beautiful, clean cut, with a blade I took from my Mom’s drawer, right below the most prominent, bulging stretch mark on my right hip. I did it to remember the pain I have gone through in the last 24 hours. Last year, just around this time, I was raped. I spent months thinking it was my fault for being that drunk. Before that, I struggled with an eating disorder, triggered by the self loathe I had for myself after being repeatedly dumped or denied, and not feeling good enough. Things got better. I took a year off to study abroad in Spain, trying to find myself. The first semester was great, I only binged and purged a few times a month, but this came with from lots of stress with school and being… Continue reading »

Heart broken

I was 16 years old at the time and the boyfriend that I was with for a year had just told me he lost feelings. My best friend, her boyfriend and his friends always had “bros nights”. I was invited by my best friends boyfriend so he picked me up at my house around 2 am. I had to sneak out my parents would never let me go out that late. So I got in his car and was wondering where everyone else is. He told me he wanted to talk to me about something. He drove out to the beach and we walked on the dock. When we got to the end he dared me to go skinny dipping and that’s when I knew something was wrong. So I started walking back to the car my excuse was that I was cold. So I got in the car and he started touching me inappropriately…. Continue reading »

Freshman Year

I go to a small college in the northeast, and my freshman year I was at a party at one of the sports team houses. It was only October, and I had a group of friends at school and all, but there was also a kid from my high school that went there as well. We were pretty friendly, we studied for a midterm together a couple weeks earlier, and I ran into him at the party. We we’re talking and whatnot, but I was pretty tired and had to be up early the next day for a meeting. He lived in the same building as me, just 1 floor directly below, and offered to walk me back. When we got to the dorm, he asked if I wanted to hang out and I told him i should really get to bed. He insisted I come inside and chill for like “10 minutes” so I… Continue reading »

I was raped and didn’t know

Hi, my name is Marcela and I’m a 21 year old girl from Brazil. I was 13 years old and had a “boyfriend”. It was that childhood kind of boyfriend, that we barely kissed. One day I was with a girlfriend at my place and she invited her boyfriend over. Just so I wouldn’t be alone, I invited mine as well. Once they were there, she decided to lose ver virginity. She wen’t to a close bathroom. J. (my boyfriend) looked at me and said “other we go as well, or I’ll leave you” – I was still a virgin and very innocent. A innocent girl who was in love with a stupid boy. So I accepted. While it was happening, it wasn’t comfortable AT ALL. I was disgusted, crying a lot, but too afraid to do anything. I asked him to stop and he didn’t. Once I told my mom, she said it was… Continue reading »

4 Years Ago

4 years ago when I was 19, during my first year at University I met a guy through my friend. He seemed nice enough, he was a bartender at one of the local bars that we frequented because my friends liked it. We went out to go dance/drink at the bar one night. He kept buying me drinks, I figured was just as friends. He bought me about 7-8 mixed drinks, all drinks with both alcohol and energy drink (that he was making), I figured it was fine. After all he was a friend, and a bartender. Him and I danced a few times. Then my friends and I left to go home. When we got home he started texting me, he asked if I wanted to watch a movie, I said yes. When he got back to the dorms I was still really drunk. We started watching watching Euro trip and just a few… Continue reading »

My Childhood

First off, I’m not going into great detail about it. I was 9 when it started up & 11 when the rape slowed down. Then the molesting started and didn’t end until I was 16. Then I was assaulted by two different guys in two different schools. Then raped by my ex best friend’s brother.

Years later… meeting my rapist again

I was abducted when I was nineteen by an acquaintance who stalked me. I tried to report it to the campus police, but they just humiliated me. Also, It was an ordeal that I don’t really remember because he drugged me. But many years later, I moved to a new town, and then he appeared a few months later. He was in that town. He was a respected member of the leaders of that town. He called my name. When I pretended I didn’t know who he was, he said the date that he raped me. After that, I spent a few years feeling terribly afraid. I got physically ill with cancer. I had many flashbacks and realized that he had taken me to a gardening shed, that he had drugged me, that he invited others to come watch what he did to me and took video and photographs. I have had terrible dreams and… Continue reading »

Can I Call It Rape?

I had broken up with my long term boyfriend and spent my new found single freedom having fun, but it never involved any sex. I think I was kind of afraid to have sex with someone new, nervous and insecure about my body, so I avoided getting to that point, kissed a lot of people never going further or even dating. Another thing that stopped me is that I wasn’t “that kind of girl”, at the time I had had sex with one person who was important to me and I would never even consider a one night stand. One night at a friends birthday I met a friend of a friend and we spent the whole night together. I was blackout drunk. A bunch of us ended up sleeping out in a loft at the back of my friends house, and I remember it being dark and kissing him. The next thing I remember… Continue reading »