As a police officer he had taken an oath to Honor the uniform and badge worn by many; and, to Protect and Serve the citizens of the metropolitan city with whom he swore this oath to protect and serve. As a Deacon with a mega-church, also assigned as its’ Inner-city Youth Bus Minister, he collected donations made to the church as offerings; and, he ensured several school buses filled with young children attended the church regularly. He additionally moonlighted as the Director of Security with an acclaimed international chain of hotels locally; and, he sold homes as a licensed realtor. Other professional endeavors he was engaged in when living are as a radio personality keeping listeners informed by helicopter of rush hour traffic conditions; and then prior to my knowing him, he was a US Navy Seaman. At home he was nothing more and nothing less than pure evil. I was in kindergarten the first… Continue reading »
Feelings After I was Raped 20 plus years
I am always screaming inside. What is Normal. I forgot who I was before I was raped. What is it like to be Happy. I never really sleep. I am always mad. Not a day goes by that I don’t think about my Rapist(s). Why I never told anyone. I am Embarressed. I am Ashamed. I am so stupid. I let it happen. Believe me. Don’t believe me. I never really Smile. I don’t know what love really is. I am numb. Trust. Sitting in the Shower. Crying with No Sound. Who am I really. I Never want to Leave my house. Nobody knows. Everybody knows. Worse. Hurt. Pain. Sorrow. I want to die everyday. I want to live. Don’t touch me. Touch me. Where is my Laugh. I am weak. Bury my head im my pillow every night. I want to be left alone. Don’t leave me alone. Breathe. I want to forget. I… Continue reading »
I don’t Know, but I Know
We gathered on a Saturday at my BFFs pool. It went from 4 of us to a couple of dozen! I had some beers, not a lot really, but I fell asleep on a deck chair. I woke up in someone’s room. I was still in my swimsuit, but my shirt was gone. I had wet myself, and felt basically nasty. I had to go to the bathroom, and then washed my suit and myself. I found my shirt on the downstairs banister railing, and got some food. No one said anything as I rejoined, so I just felt I got away with it. It was when they posted to social, that I felt funnier about it. Among all the pics, they had a couple of my BFFs brother, in a Viking helmet, picking me up in his arms. He carried me off, throwing me over his shoulder to get through the door. It was… Continue reading »
It’s been 5 years, and you still haunt me.
t’s been 5 years since I last saw you. 5 years since I found you on a Christian dating website. We had been on one date previous to that night. You invited me over for your birthday party, I went, even though the forecast showed extreme rain and hail. I spent about 3 hours with you and your friends; I was starting to fall for you. When you walked me out to my car, you kissed me very deeply, and I hate to say I enjoyed it. I kissed you back and pretty soon we were in a full blown make out session. You pulled open my passenger door and pushed me on the seat. I tried to get back up but you held me down. You were so much bigger and stronger than I was. As I started to cry, saying that I didn’t want to do this, you shook your head and laughed…. Continue reading »
Healing and releasing painful memories
I was a fashion designer in the Los Angeles area. I opened up my own business and hired a young man that we knew in the garment business as our shipping manager and coordinator. He was someone my ex-husband, now deceased, knew. We became friends with him and his wife. Later to be made their baby boy’s god parents. Everything was fine and no problems at the job. After two years and another baby, I was unhappy about the changes that a silent partner placed on my business. I designed contemporary women’s clothes at a higher price and he wanted to cheapen the clothes and go for the teenie bopper area. I was not going to invest money in something I did not want to be involved in so we closed the business. Gave compensation to all and they understood. In tern, this young man moved his family to Florida and that was that. I… Continue reading »
The Wolf and His Rabbit
I recently wrote this story as a means of coping with my assault. So I figured why not share it here. Two drastically different creatures, the wolf and the rabbit… they vary in size, diet, speed, spot in the food chain, etc. Such a duo could never exist in harmony. But with the deceit of the wolf, and the naiveté of the rabbit, one might begin to believe so. And how sad is that, for a rabbit to believe it is anything more than just a meal, to the Big Bad Wolf. There was a rabbit with the spirit of a wolf. Bold, curious, strong. She stuck out from the other rabbits. She didn’t fear things like they did. She felt she was powerful and could control anything she needed to. She had seen the ugly side of life already, she was sure she could take on anything. She forgot, she was only a rabbit…. Continue reading »
PART 5: My True, Horrid, and Concluded Story of Abuse
“Now I’ve gone for too long, living like I’m not alive, so I’m going to start over tonight…” —Hayley Williams. In the fourteen years of my life, I have found out what it means to love, to lose, to be abandoned, to hate, to love again, and to lose again. I have found out what it means to be lost and to be found, only to be lost again. In the fourteen years of my life I can honestly say that I have experienced true heartache, but with the help of my family—my true family—I have found out what it means to be happy. In the fourteen years of my life, I have learned to not let go; I learned to hold on to happiness tightly and to not let it go because it may never come back. I have learned that love is immortal, and it will exist for years to come. I have… Continue reading »
PART 4: My True, Horrid, and Concluded Story of Abuse
“To be, or not to be: that is the question: /Whether ’tis nobler in the mind to suffer /The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, /Or to take arms against a sea of troubles, /And by opposing end them? To die: to sleep; /No more; and, by a sleep to say we end /The heart-ache and the thousand natural shocks /That flesh is heir to, ’tis a consummation /Devoutly to be wish’d. To die, to sleep; /To sleep: perchance to dream: ay, there’s the rub.” —William Shakespeare . When being relocated, I lost so much in my life. I lost my bed that had provided me with comfort even in my most uncomfortable moods. I lost my bedroom, which was where I took refuge in my darkest hours. I lost the familiarity of my bathroom. I lost the people who would honestly make me feel more at home outside of my own house: my friends…. Continue reading »
PART 3: My True, Horrid, and Concluded Story of Abuse
“I’ve never forgotten him. Dare I say I miss him? I do. I miss him. I still see him in my dreams. They are nightmares mostly, but nightmares tinged with love. Such is the strangeness of the human heart. I still cannot understand how he could abandon me so unceremoniously, without any sort of goodbye, without looking back even once. The pain is like an axe that chops my heart. ” —Yann Martel. I woke on October eighth atop of a brown couch in my aunt’s house. Text messages blew up my phone from previous friends: “ Hey when r u comin bck 2 school?”, “I miss u mucho, you better be comin bck soon!”, “Promise that u r comin bck 2 school tomorrow!” Hoping I would, I promised I would be back at school soon. Of course I wanted to go back to school; I had it all: amazing friends, good grades, and sports…. Continue reading »
PART 2: My True, Horrid, and Concluded Story of Abuse
“Behind every beautiful thing, there’s some kind of pain.” —Bob Dylan. Every story has a climax–the part in which the protagonist has to overcome an obstacle they face. To simply put things into perspective, my obstacle was my father. Reaching the middle of my twelfth year, life was great. It was summer outside, and every day my brother and I would enjoy the refreshing summer breeze. With no recent confrontation between parents, life could be described, honestly, as perfect. But as quickly as all beautiful things in my life begin, this simple paradise came crashing down just as fast. *** It is a beautiful August morning, and I am sitting on a tan couch in the back room of my house. Vince is sitting on a couch in the living room watching television. I have no idea where my father is, and just like her mother, Nevaeh is sleeping. I am ambitiously deciding to create… Continue reading »