A year ago, I heard the statistic for rape on college campus. I now am a sexual violence advocate at a local nonprofit. But when I was 19, I was invited to a friends party. He was my ex boyfriends best friend. We drank, danced and partied. Nothing was out of the ordinary. I was with my roommate but she passed out in a different room. His other friend was passed out on the couch next to me. I woke up to this “friend” ripping my tights and penetrating me. His roommate came out of his room to grab a glass of water. He put his hand over my mouth and told me to be quiet. I did as I was told because I was frozen and scared. Completely unable to move. I woke up the next morning feeling so horrified with myself for drinking myself to the point where I couldn’t fight back. I… Continue reading »
Six months in the making..
I visited this website one week after I was raped in search of story like mine to convince myself what happened to me was rape. Six months ago I went out for the last weekend at college with my friends for a “girls night”. I was drugged at a local bar at a university I attend and was awoken by a stranger having sex with me. I remember being at the bar for about 15 minutes and then after my memory goes black. I remember parts of night in flashes. I remember the pain being so bad and trying to push him off with tears running down my face, but having no power in my arms. I thought it was my fault for the longest time, that I had somehow drank too much or had done something to make it happen to me. I felt like I was broken and could never be fixed. It… Continue reading »
Scars
I can still remember it so clearly. The taste of alcohol on my breath the morning after. The humiliation I was putting myself through. I couldn’t bring myself to accept it, I had read about it before and had even taken an online class before attending college, I remember thinking “I’m smart I would never let anything bad happen to me.” I was 17 years old, right out of highschool and ready to get away from home and finally have some freedom. I didn’t grow up in a bad home, but I’ve always been the person to get away from home, get away from something familiar and start somewhere new. So I decided to go to college 6 hours away from home. I was really scared, but I knew it would be the first step to gaining my independence. Freshmen year was something I was determined to remember, I met a lot of cool people… Continue reading »
The Boys Club Continues
I decided to share my story after reading another woman’s story on this site…she was brutally gang raped by police and contemplating suicide. Please “don’t let them win” by Suicide. I know it’s your choice to take your life or survive…. I know the helplessness against the Blue Wall. I too have felt disposable, dismissed & despondent… I was gang raped by a fraternity as a hazing stunt during rush week….thankfully, they drugged me so I don’t remember much…but reporting it, the officers said it was going to be my word against theirs and I didn’t really have a case as I went willingly to the party and did drink and wasn’t a virgin…so…..I didn’t really have a case. I went to counseling immediately, but the lady therapist said I had “issues with my mother, not my rapists, rape didn’t have anything to do with what happened to me” she said…..that all happened when I… Continue reading »
Only I get to make choices for my body
I’m the one who got myself that last beer that made me black out. I should’ve known my limits. If I really didn’t want it, why would I have let him into my dorm upstairs from the party? Maybe he was black out drunk too. Sometimes when I drink too much I lose my memory while I’m still conscious. Also plenty of people have embarrassing drunk hookup stories and don’t call those rape. Somehow my only clear thought when I woke up, naked in my dorm bed with that pink condom in the trash can, was that “it was the Japanese exchange student.” But maybe it wasn’t the creepy one who was making me uncomfortable at the beginning of the party. I could have just hit it off with one of his friends. And most importantly, I don’t even remember the events, so how dare I compare my experience to the experiences of survivors of… Continue reading »
Date rape
I just turned 18 on the day I moved into a dorm at Rutgers New Brunswick I was invited by a senior to his dorm room to drink wine and hang out Who still lives in a dorm as a senior? Without being a officially a dorm rep I was young and innocent and I tried to leave but was sexually forced I felt so stupid and guilty because I put myself in that position I am now 55 and it still haunts me but never said a word because I thought it was my fault for going into a boys room
We met at the bar
He bought me a drink and we played shuffle board. All the while laughing and flirting. He was very charming. We took an Uber back to his place. We go inside and start making out. The drinks are all hitting me and feeling good. As we start to have sex I start to feel funny and the world slips away. Ow that hurts I say but he doesn’t care and continues biting my leg like it was meat. My body freezes up as if I can’t move, he doesn’t stop after I ask him to and I stare blankly at his red fraternity flag hanging on the wall, as he continues to fuck me harder and rougher a silent tear runs down my cheek. Finally he falls asleep and I am too scared to move. I wait for what seems like hours to make sure he is really asleep before I go to leave. As… Continue reading »
Feelings After I was Raped 20 plus years
I am always screaming inside. What is Normal. I forgot who I was before I was raped. What is it like to be Happy. I never really sleep. I am always mad. Not a day goes by that I don’t think about my Rapist(s). Why I never told anyone. I am Embarressed. I am Ashamed. I am so stupid. I let it happen. Believe me. Don’t believe me. I never really Smile. I don’t know what love really is. I am numb. Trust. Sitting in the Shower. Crying with No Sound. Who am I really. I Never want to Leave my house. Nobody knows. Everybody knows. Worse. Hurt. Pain. Sorrow. I want to die everyday. I want to live. Don’t touch me. Touch me. Where is my Laugh. I am weak. Bury my head im my pillow every night. I want to be left alone. Don’t leave me alone. Breathe. I want to forget. I… Continue reading »
More Witness than I Care to Live with
My name is Katherine, and my sex ed started when I went to a playground after a softball game. I was 9, and a man joined me. He intimidated me into masturbating him. I only had my mother and 2 sisters with my father out of the house, so I had no knowledge of male physiology. After the surprise ending, he gave me a box of cookies. I knew what I did was dirty, but didn’t know how to articulate it. In junior high, I was invited to a friend’s party. During the party, I got lost looking for the bathroom, and opened a bedroom door, where another friend was pinned on the bed by an older boy. She was repeating the stop, let me go, no, etc without stop, as was he continuing. I was in shock, and almost peed myself! no one every teaches you what to do if you see this, and… Continue reading »
I Am A Survivor
It’s been 7 months since you raped me. 7 months since you took something so valuable to me. I still feel your hands around my neck and your breath down my neck. I was so scared to tell my own parents because you threatened me you would hurt me if I did. I lived those 7 months trying to forget about what you did to me. The moment you walked through the doors I didn’t know I would have been violated the way you violated me. You grabbed me and threw me on the couch and wrapped your hands around my neck, I felt so lifeless, I could barely breathe, at that moment I thought my life was over. I started to scream and kick and fight for myself but you overpowered me. You put your hand over my mouth and I will never forget that nasty smirk you gave me and you told me… Continue reading »