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Because of You

Because of you, I lost who I was. I lost everything that made me feel who I am as a person. You made me feel ashamed, scared, and disgusted all at the same time. You made me feel ashamed and disgusted because you have made me blame myself for what happened. Blaming myself for actions that I had no control over, blaming myself even though I said no, blaming myself for thinking it was my fault. When it wasn’t my fault. I’m not in control of anyone’s actions except my own. I shouldn’t have blamed myself for actions you committed. I now realize that it’s not my fault. I’ve spent weeks pondering how a person can do what you did and have no remorse. How a person like you could not care what your actions were. That your actions affect other people besides yourself. Because of you, I lost all my courage. I lost my… Continue reading »

A Year After

My journal entry on April 18, 2017 -About a year after submitting my “first story” on this site I just made a beautiful, clean cut, with a blade I took from my Mom’s drawer, right below the most prominent, bulging stretch mark on my right hip. I did it to remember the pain I have gone through in the last 24 hours. Last year, just around this time, I was raped. I spent months thinking it was my fault for being that drunk. Before that, I struggled with an eating disorder, triggered by the self loathe I had for myself after being repeatedly dumped or denied, and not feeling good enough. Things got better. I took a year off to study abroad in Spain, trying to find myself. The first semester was great, I only binged and purged a few times a month, but this came with from lots of stress with school and being… Continue reading »

Freshman Year

I go to a small college in the northeast, and my freshman year I was at a party at one of the sports team houses. It was only October, and I had a group of friends at school and all, but there was also a kid from my high school that went there as well. We were pretty friendly, we studied for a midterm together a couple weeks earlier, and I ran into him at the party. We we’re talking and whatnot, but I was pretty tired and had to be up early the next day for a meeting. He lived in the same building as me, just 1 floor directly below, and offered to walk me back. When we got to the dorm, he asked if I wanted to hang out and I told him i should really get to bed. He insisted I come inside and chill for like “10 minutes” so I… Continue reading »

4 Years Ago

4 years ago when I was 19, during my first year at University I met a guy through my friend. He seemed nice enough, he was a bartender at one of the local bars that we frequented because my friends liked it. We went out to go dance/drink at the bar one night. He kept buying me drinks, I figured was just as friends. He bought me about 7-8 mixed drinks, all drinks with both alcohol and energy drink (that he was making), I figured it was fine. After all he was a friend, and a bartender. Him and I danced a few times. Then my friends and I left to go home. When we got home he started texting me, he asked if I wanted to watch a movie, I said yes. When he got back to the dorms I was still really drunk. We started watching watching Euro trip and just a few… Continue reading »

Years later… meeting my rapist again

I was abducted when I was nineteen by an acquaintance who stalked me. I tried to report it to the campus police, but they just humiliated me. Also, It was an ordeal that I don’t really remember because he drugged me. But many years later, I moved to a new town, and then he appeared a few months later. He was in that town. He was a respected member of the leaders of that town. He called my name. When I pretended I didn’t know who he was, he said the date that he raped me. After that, I spent a few years feeling terribly afraid. I got physically ill with cancer. I had many flashbacks and realized that he had taken me to a gardening shed, that he had drugged me, that he invited others to come watch what he did to me and took video and photographs. I have had terrible dreams and… Continue reading »

College Rape

I went away to college, after being in a very mentally abusive relationship before, I was craving love and attention. I met a guy in my first week at college he was 18 and cute, I was amazed that he wanted to hang out with me so I fell for it. It was my first weekend at college and me and this guy, Tom (lets call him) were hanging out in the communal kitchen of my (girls only) block. A girl I knew from my course walks in and pulls out two bottles of wine, which we all tucked into, we had music playing and since it was past curfew for us under 18yo, it attracted attention from the wardens who promptly kicked Tom (who seemed pretty sober) out and gave me and the girl a disciplinary for drinking. I was very drunk by this point and what I didn’t realize was that Tom had… Continue reading »

A Private College; A Private Rape

It was in October of my freshman year at college. I majored in Psychology/Sociology and wanted a law degree. I was in Criminology class when I met this guy. He was a “bad boy”; didn’t show up to class that often but wrestled. He grew up in Chicago and had a baby daughter. He was a freshman so he was the “class of 2020” page on Facebook, same as I. He added me and messaged. He gave me his cellphone number and we started talking. It happened the night before Homecoming, so it happened on a Friday. There were parties and people were coming back for the Homecoming events. I stayed in my room because my parents were planning to come the next day early. The guy texted me and said “he was bored”. I invited him over to watch “Criminal Minds” because we were both in Criminology. So, he came over but he was… Continue reading »

School Rape

I was 8 and I was heading to the girls bathroom. I walked into the biggest stall because I always go for the most spacious. I walked in and locked the door. Three males older than me, (about two or three grades), crawled into my stall from the one next to me. I already had my pants down when they came in. I tried to get out but they had a knife and said if I made any noise they would kill me and I believed them. They pulled their pants down and it looked like their was a balloon on their man part. All three of them took turns raping me. Then they stopped and I was bleeding a lot. The older looking one said to me if I said anything I was dead. I never told anyone, not even my parents about it. It was hard sharing my stories but it feels good… Continue reading »

A Letter To The Man Who Stole My Life

o the man who stole my life: If I knew the day that I met you what kind of person you really were, I would have never acknowledged your presence. We grew up in church together and I admired you for years from afar. I always wondered what it would be like to have you as a friend, and possibly more. You were amazing at playing the part of a good Christian pastor’s son. I reached out to you years later in hope that we could be more than just acquaintances. Sure enough, you took every expectation I had of you and exceeded them all. You surprised me with your kind and gentle nature and I knew I wanted to pursue something more. Who knew that the man I fell for at 10 years old would be the same man who destroyed my every being. You suffocated me with extreme jealousy, you isolated me to… Continue reading »

Drugged

I have been raped multiple times. For the longest time I just acted like it wasn’t a big deal. I didn’t think about it and tried to forget about it all together. However, in reality, I was terrified. The time that scared me the most was when I was at a frat party with my friends. One of the guys took me into the bathroom where five other guys were. At this point they had already given me plenty of drinks and my memory is very foggy. I only remember bits and pieces. I can’t even recall what he looks like. I could be talking with him everyday and I wouldn’t even realize. That’s what scares me the most. He could come after me again and I wouldn’t even know it was him. He drugged me, brought me in a room with his friends, assaulted me, took me to his house, and then raped me… Continue reading »