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How Many Times?

I have been raped, I don’t know anymore whether I admit, or declare it. My first time, also my first time, was on a date with my boyfriend. We were making out, and he went up my shirt, and I stopped him with a no. He kept trying until he got to 2nd base, and then went under the shirt, and an emphatic no didn’t stop his hands. I included a no at each stage, through penetration, intercourse and orgasm. my opinion was clear, and unimportant. On Monday, he had a date with a classmate, and we weren’t committed, in that order. Less than a week later, we had the stereotypical rivals football game, which we lost in the fourth. Walking home, through a playground in the minor creek and woods, I ran into a guy. He was from the other school, from his jacket. He was cute, nicely built, hot butt. He was charming,… Continue reading »


I don’t even know how to start this, but I guess I need another opinion… so here it goes. A few weeks ago, I was at my friend’s frat. He’s a really great guy, and I am friends with both him and his girlfriend, so I have always felt comfortable around him. Anyways, he invited me to a small party they were having, and I decided to go because I thought it would be fun, even though his girlfriend was out of town, and I am better friends with her. I planned to spend the night there because I wasn’t about to drive home drunk, and I had been there a ton of times before and everyone had always been really nice to me. Many of my other girl friends had also slept there before, so I didn’t feel uncomfortable about it or anything. Anyways, by the time I decided to go to bed, I… Continue reading »

Today, I Let It All Go

My rapist- is what I called him. But I refuse to take ownership of him. I refuse to take the blame for actions. I refuse to hold on to the guilt. Today, I let it all go. My story begins in a high school biology class. A seemingly harmless flirtation, which eventually led me into his arms. He was perfect to me. He wrote poetry and letters, he was over the top with his actions and words. He put on a show, for the world, and for me. No one could look away. Years passed. Everyone loved us (him). He spoke, people listened. He became president of the senior class, I stood by his side silently. We went to prom. I felt so beautiful. As soon as we were in front of the cameras, the feeling dissapated. He posed, he smiled, he laughed, and I was gone. I didn’t even know I was silent. I… Continue reading »

Perfect on Paper

I met him at a party on New Years. He was handsome, a great dancer, a pre-law student, worked while putting himself through school, had a new car, played in a jazz band, father was a minister. We went to different schools so he called me when he came home for Easter break. We went to a low key party with his friends and when that ended I asked if he wanted to watch a movie at my place. When I went to my room to hang up my coat, he followed me in and shut the door and leaned on it. I went to walk out still not getting it. He insisted I kiss him and I wanted to. Then he shoved me on the bed. I tried to get up and said no but nothing stopped him. He was probably 6’2″ and 180 pounds. I was 5’6″ and 125 pounds. He was trying… Continue reading »

f*ck you

You might not remember…I barely do. I was insecure then. I drank a lot…maybe more than I should have. But I didn’t think it would happen to me. I remember being at a party. The next thing I know I was in your bed. You were on top of me. I told you I was a virgin that I didn’t want to have sex. I don’t know if we did. I remember how you smelled. I remember not wanting it. I don’t know what we did. I tried to forget. But I kept seeing you on campus. It came back to me slowly- who you were. But eventually I remembered. I remembered waking up from a blackout with you on top of me. I don’t know how I got home after. I don’t know what you did to me when I was in your room, your bed. The next day my roommates told me I… Continue reading »

Twice a pattern?

If something bad happens once, people usually say it’s bad luck. But to happen twice, just seems stupid. Growing up in a restricted family, I had never been exposed to the sexually explicit content that is out in the world. However, when I turned 17 that all changed for me. The winter months, I remember it now, 19th December, though at the time I did not really understand what had happened. It was my first time. I had started dating a guy on the 10th December, by the 19th we had met twice and we went back to his, so I innocently thought, he could make us food. When we got to his he began immediately on what I can now see as his conquest. He already had a girlfriend, that I didn’t know about until after (which only made me feel the guilty party) but she wasn’t around. No one was. Only him and… Continue reading »

Personal Statement – Written January 2017

Twilight hours of February 25, 2016 are buried in oblivion, bygone, sunk out of my head, perhaps for self-protection. This eclipse of my heart in dead of night. Fraternity boy coolness turns to shadiness at nightfall. His country boy accent is of the coal pitch blackness of the mines, sinking into his swarthiness, and I am sadly a canary in his coal mine. Try to take flight, hasten away from my wails, make a quick getaway. I sink lower, shutting my eyes in this icebox. This is a hard winter and goosebumps grow on my bare skin. He is soulless, like a lone wolf committing acts of terrorism upon me in his below-zero bedroom. He seems so casual – putting on his airs, indifferent, like he could not care less. His 240 pounds are unrelenting against my five-feet. Can a moment be more austere? The stinging feels glacial; I am raw, then numbed. This hole-in-the-wall… Continue reading »

I “needed” to do this!

I am the youngest of 6, and at the time I was to go to mandatory college, the elder 5 either had or were working on Master’s or PhD in various fields. I can only say that a stunningly easy Senior year was bringing me to a 3.0 I applied all over, with my father’s blessing, and with a shoebox getting loaded with rejections, I gained one surprise acceptance at a higher grade institution than I expected. I didn’t belong there, and I knew it. By midterms, I was struggling in a couple of classes. I was asked to a professor’s office to discuss my performance. I just wished that he would expel me, so I could avoid wetting myself. He talked over my grades, and my background, and why I came here, and how I got to this point. I made the mistake of admitting that I couldn’t go home in defeat. He wandered… Continue reading »

He doesn’t even know he raped me

I was very drunk one night at a party and as I swiped through my tinder I matched with this boy. He messaged me really quickly and told me he was a senior and that he thought I was pretty and that we should hang out. I was really drunk but I was over the party and told him he could meet me at my dorm and we could watch a movie. I don’t know what I thought was going to happen but I was drunk and agreed to let a stranger into my home. My friend and her boyfriend walked me half way home and I remember her joking with me to be safe. I actually laughed and told her I would be fine. As I walked up to my dorm, I saw this really tall guy standing at the entrance. I was kinda nervous when I saw him because he was so tall… Continue reading »

A young mother

I came to college a year early, I was seventeen and so naive. I had taken summer school 2 years so I could get out of that small town Kentucky high school. I was so ready to have a fresh start. My first semester was awesome. I joined a sorority and made my 3 best friends. But when I came back after christmas things changed. My best friend Lindsey had dropped out because college wasn’t for her, and my other friend Amara had dropped the sorority because she couldn’t pay. So it was just me and Maya. Maya didn’t like to go out so when I got an invite from a guy a new from a previous class, I went alone. I knew a bunch of the people that were going to be at this small party. It was a fun night but as the night started to die down I realized I wasn’t okay… Continue reading »