My girlfriends and I were going out to a few bars on a Friday night to celebrate a birthday. We were all a little drunk, but no one was out of control. At the second bar, we met up with a few of our guy friends to keep the celebration going. Among all of the men, there was one guy I had never met or seen before. He introduced himself as Antwon, and we all danced and drank the rest of the night together. When the bar closed, Antwon invited everyone back to his place for an after-party. All of my guy friends were going as well as three of my girlfriends. We all piled into two ubers and met back at his place. At this point I started to realize how drunk everyone else was, and how sober I was becoming. He noticed too. He started throwing shots and beers at me, hoping I… Continue reading »
Was it Really Rape
I still hear the little voice in my head questioning it. He was a good guy and just as drunk as I was. He probably didn’t notice that I blacked out. I was angry. He apologized. It’s ok. I’m just as much to blame. We were in college. We dated. I broke up with him. He just wanted to get back together. I broke his heart. I was the asshole. We’re still friends. That’s so cool. It wasn’t a big deal. It was a mistake. I got an abortion. I made him pay for it. That was payback. That was fucked up of me. I’m a terrible person. It’s my fault. I should have left early. I should’ve brought a friend. I should not have drank so much. I was so stupid. I should have said no before blacking out. Did I want to? I don’t think so, but maybe I did. I can’t remember…. Continue reading »
23 year old virgin
In 1996, I was attending graduate school and lived in my own apartment. I was 23 years old, a virgin, and a Muslim man from Ghana who played soccer on campus. One night, he entered my apartment, pinned me to the ground, and raped me. I saw white light and God said “this is not your body.” When I came to, he was at the door smiling down on me. I screamed, “I was a virgin!” I looked down at all the blood and took a long hot shower. I was shaking and felt cold. I was so angry and am still angry because I was a virgin. Twenty years later, that man was my doctor in the emergency room of another city. He bent over my bare chest and said “let me listen to your precious heart.” Tears rolled down my cheeks as I smelled him. He smells like the cologne TABU. I am… Continue reading »
“Me too” On Facebook
Recently, there’s been a lot of people posting “me too” on social media. That statement is supposed to show others they’re not alone and reveal to the word the size of this epidemic. I can’t help but feel more alone each and every time I see a “me too” status. I feel like I already knew how bad this was. I bet there’s not a girl out there who can truthfully say they’ve never experienced some sort of sexual misconduct. I feel like posting a “me too” status is supposed to make you feel better or stronger or more helpful or supportive or… anything other than the nasty feeling it gives me every time I think about it. If I posted me to…. All three of them would see it. My ex boyfriend who started dating me when I was 14 when he was 17, the one who abused me physically and mentally for three… Continue reading »
Dream / Recall
I was running running running Past the halls, the screams, the stairs My hand was busy on something -Probably the piece of glass I used to cut him. And then she ripped her necklace off Just as they ripped out clothes off Shattered glass -Another way of showing their power-She said And it was oh so violent He grabbed my hair The floor was cold and There was blood everywhere All I had to do was swallow That was just too much All I had to do I would not; I did. And the taste of his sperm I did not bear -I wanna throw up. -Don’t you dare. (-Why won’t he kill me?) I stood up. And it hurt and they pushed me and I fell and I hit myself and I held to the window and someone passed by and broke it (And they broke me) and they smashed my body against the… Continue reading »
My best friend
Senior year of college, I was extremely drunk at a house party. My best friend, who I had hooked up with a few times was there with me, at a certain point I blacked out. I woke up in the morning in his bed with no clothes on, and I remembered nothing. Apparently, I had led him out of the house party back to his place. And we had sex, and then he left me in his bed and went to go hang out with a few friends. But the thing is I went a full 24 hours without knowing. I woke up that morning and saw him asleep on the couch and thanked him for being such a good friend that he knew not to take advantage of me in my drunk state. But that wasn’t the truth. My best friend, who knew what I was like when I was blackout, or even drunk,… Continue reading »
I thought he was a friend
This year I started my first year of uni and there was this guy in one of my classes he was an exchange student, and we became study partners, and I was helping him understand Aussie culture. After the mid-tri break second day back he asked to come over to work on our assessments, two hours later we gave up so I popped on ‘The Giver.’ I made a comment about how I hated waiting for the adds at the start of the movie to be over, next thing I know he’s kissing. I told him to stop and to leave but he just kept going, I said no and I went to say no again but he just slapped me and said if I screamed he’d beat me up and do it anyway. I froze.I just laid there I couldn’t move or speak, I was scared. All I could think about was how much… Continue reading »
Unsure
Earlier this year, I was drinking heavily at a bar and ended up going home with a guy. I don’t really remember getting to his place, I don’t even remember what he looked liked, or what his name is. We had kissed and danced at the bar, and the next thing I know I was naked in his room, with him on top of me, I remember him doing things to me that I did not say yes or no to, I remember laying there with him on top of me feeling lifeless, I had no reaction as to what he was doing, it felt as if I wasn’t there, I didn’t fight back at all, because it was my first time, isn’t that what you are supposed to do. When we were actually going to have sex I remember saying yes, but he had told me that I had to do it, and I… Continue reading »
High School Orientation
I was at freshman orientation of high school and I was a little lost, the only other person in the hall was a senior who was wearing a Hoodie and he seemed kinda nice, I always give everyone the benefit of the doubt so I didn’t think anything about him. I asked him for directions and he smiled and said: “yeah follow me it’s right this way”. He took me to some abandoned part of the building and I said ” is this it” and he smiles wickedly and said no. That second I went running and he bashed my head into a locker and I fell on the floor from the trauma. He took my shirt off and my pants and raped me for what seemed like hours, I would scream no and he would cover my mouth and continue. At one point he gagged me with a shirt so I wouldn’t scream. after… Continue reading »
Politeness Serves No One
I had just started college; this was about ten years ago. I was leaving a frat party on my own. A male friend of a friend texted me to ask what I was doing and if I needed someone to walk me back to the dorms. I had only met him once, but I was a little drunk, and he seemed nice the one time I met him. Also, he knew my friend from high school so I assumed he was trustworthy. I had a couple beers at the party. He met me outside the house, and it was dark outside. He said he had to stop by the liquor store, and he bought a six pack of Smirnoff Ice along with a couple other things. He asked if we could stop at his place first for a drink before he dropped me off at my dorm. I said sure and was fake nice and… Continue reading »