I grew up such a trusting and open person. I cared about everyone who crossed my path and I would give the shirt off my back to anyone who needed it. So when I got a call at 11:30 from a guy friend saying he needed a place to crash because he was too drunk to go home, of course I said yes without hesitation. When I went to his friend’s house to pick him up, he reeked of cheap vodka. And kept trying to hold my hand. I’ll admit, I had a little crush on him. So I liked it. And when I parked in front of my dorm, he leaned in to kiss me. I thought I was living out a movie. The boy I wanted, kissing me? So I kissed him. And I loved it. But once I brought him up to my room he had plans that didn’t involve him sleeping… Continue reading »
Ketamine Rape
It was the first semester of my first year of college. I was desperate… desperate for approval, desperate for love, desperate to fit in. Tony seemed like a nice guy, though I had only met him once before. He asked if I would be his girlfriend, and I agreed. Over the next couple of months, he quickly started pushing past my boundaries. He would lay on top of me (he was 280 pounds) and make out with me until I was gasping for breath, give me a minute to breathe, and then start again. I became increasingly uncomfortable, and so broke things off. That night he came to my dorm room and asked to have one last cup of (non-alcoholic) eggnog, which was a tradition of ours. He said he just wanted closure. I didn’t watch him pour it. I took a few sips quickly and realized something was wrong, but by the time I… Continue reading »
Sexual Assault
For years I’ve blocked out these horrible images I have in my head. I see the younger me; volnerauble, and letting this man take advantage of me. I see myself hurting, and no one noticing. I’m sorry to my younger self, sorry for not being strong enough to speak up. For years, I was abused my someone in my family-someone who was supposed to love me, and protect me from everyone. It took me a long time to realize that what happened to me wasn’t ok. It wasn’t until my freshman year of college in 2016 when I was exposed to all these. I started realizing that it didn’t only happen to me, but to so many others as well; people like me who never asked to become what everyone likes to refer to as “victims.” As I came to understand what was going on, I thought it was my fault. Maybe my boobs were… Continue reading »
Moving On
College is about finding yourself, finding your friends and ,finding who you want to become. While there is more freedom that comes with the title of a college student, there is more adulting as well. The movies make college seem like an endless party where all the boys are cute and a nice body is granted to you, which it a total lie (that I too bought into). For many freshman, myself included finding balance between the new found freedom and responsibilities is difficult. People try to prepare you for the course load, and the dangers of drinking, but no one could have prepared me for what I was about to walk into. Within my first year of college I was survived rape and overcame alcoholism. I started attending college in the fall at school where I knew not a soul. I spent the first weeks hiding in my dorm and secretly regretting not staying… Continue reading »
I called him my friend
It was a dated function. This guy was my friend. I showed up, and was given lots of vodka. Thats all I remember. I woke up. 4am. I’m in his bed, with his clothes on. I turned over and saw him there, staring at me. He climbed on top of me. It happened so fast. He took his pants off, lifted my legs up, and stared me straight in the eyes. He didn’t even try to kiss me. It hurt. All I could do was turn my head. I cried. It ended. I was scared. Did you use a condom? Yes, he said. I closed my eyes. 7am. The A-team was playing. He said, “I saved your ass last night.” Supposedly, I puked everywhere last night… He drove me home. I cried some more. Was I drugged? Did I lead him on? Did he mean to do that? He said sorry when I told him… Continue reading »
Rape
It was my first year of college and I was struggling with depression. I didn’t like my college and I felt out of place. I wasn’t ok. But it was suddenly so much worse. I was a freshman, he was a senior. We were both sociology majors and had a class together. We would chat in class, like class mates do. He had shown interest. I had made it clear I was in a relationship, and he shares that he was too. I thought we were on mutual ground. One night after class, he asks to hang out. I tell him I am not in the business of doing anything. He says that he just wants to talk and hang out, “no harm”. I finally give in and let him drive us to his place. My heart soon sank when I got there, as I realized he had his own place. I had expected his… Continue reading »
Because of You
Because of you, I lost who I was. I lost everything that made me feel who I am as a person. You made me feel ashamed, scared, and disgusted all at the same time. You made me feel ashamed and disgusted because you have made me blame myself for what happened. Blaming myself for actions that I had no control over, blaming myself even though I said no, blaming myself for thinking it was my fault. When it wasn’t my fault. I’m not in control of anyone’s actions except my own. I shouldn’t have blamed myself for actions you committed. I now realize that it’s not my fault. I’ve spent weeks pondering how a person can do what you did and have no remorse. How a person like you could not care what your actions were. That your actions affect other people besides yourself. Because of you, I lost all my courage. I lost my… Continue reading »
A Year After
My journal entry on April 18, 2017 -About a year after submitting my “first story” on this site I just made a beautiful, clean cut, with a blade I took from my Mom’s drawer, right below the most prominent, bulging stretch mark on my right hip. I did it to remember the pain I have gone through in the last 24 hours. Last year, just around this time, I was raped. I spent months thinking it was my fault for being that drunk. Before that, I struggled with an eating disorder, triggered by the self loathe I had for myself after being repeatedly dumped or denied, and not feeling good enough. Things got better. I took a year off to study abroad in Spain, trying to find myself. The first semester was great, I only binged and purged a few times a month, but this came with from lots of stress with school and being… Continue reading »
Freshman Year
I go to a small college in the northeast, and my freshman year I was at a party at one of the sports team houses. It was only October, and I had a group of friends at school and all, but there was also a kid from my high school that went there as well. We were pretty friendly, we studied for a midterm together a couple weeks earlier, and I ran into him at the party. We we’re talking and whatnot, but I was pretty tired and had to be up early the next day for a meeting. He lived in the same building as me, just 1 floor directly below, and offered to walk me back. When we got to the dorm, he asked if I wanted to hang out and I told him i should really get to bed. He insisted I come inside and chill for like “10 minutes” so I… Continue reading »
4 Years Ago
4 years ago when I was 19, during my first year at University I met a guy through my friend. He seemed nice enough, he was a bartender at one of the local bars that we frequented because my friends liked it. We went out to go dance/drink at the bar one night. He kept buying me drinks, I figured was just as friends. He bought me about 7-8 mixed drinks, all drinks with both alcohol and energy drink (that he was making), I figured it was fine. After all he was a friend, and a bartender. Him and I danced a few times. Then my friends and I left to go home. When we got home he started texting me, he asked if I wanted to watch a movie, I said yes. When he got back to the dorms I was still really drunk. We started watching watching Euro trip and just a few… Continue reading »