Earlier this year, I was drinking heavily at a bar and ended up going home with a guy. I don’t really remember getting to his place, I don’t even remember what he looked liked, or what his name is. We had kissed and danced at the bar, and the next thing I know I was naked in his room, with him on top of me, I remember him doing things to me that I did not say yes or no to, I remember laying there with him on top of me feeling lifeless, I had no reaction as to what he was doing, it felt as if I wasn’t there, I didn’t fight back at all, because it was my first time, isn’t that what you are supposed to do. When we were actually going to have sex I remember saying yes, but he had told me that I had to do it, and I… Continue reading »
High School Orientation
I was at freshman orientation of high school and I was a little lost, the only other person in the hall was a senior who was wearing a Hoodie and he seemed kinda nice, I always give everyone the benefit of the doubt so I didn’t think anything about him. I asked him for directions and he smiled and said: “yeah follow me it’s right this way”. He took me to some abandoned part of the building and I said ” is this it” and he smiles wickedly and said no. That second I went running and he bashed my head into a locker and I fell on the floor from the trauma. He took my shirt off and my pants and raped me for what seemed like hours, I would scream no and he would cover my mouth and continue. At one point he gagged me with a shirt so I wouldn’t scream. after… Continue reading »
Politeness Serves No One
I had just started college; this was about ten years ago. I was leaving a frat party on my own. A male friend of a friend texted me to ask what I was doing and if I needed someone to walk me back to the dorms. I had only met him once, but I was a little drunk, and he seemed nice the one time I met him. Also, he knew my friend from high school so I assumed he was trustworthy. I had a couple beers at the party. He met me outside the house, and it was dark outside. He said he had to stop by the liquor store, and he bought a six pack of Smirnoff Ice along with a couple other things. He asked if we could stop at his place first for a drink before he dropped me off at my dorm. I said sure and was fake nice and… Continue reading »
Not all friends are true
I grew up such a trusting and open person. I cared about everyone who crossed my path and I would give the shirt off my back to anyone who needed it. So when I got a call at 11:30 from a guy friend saying he needed a place to crash because he was too drunk to go home, of course I said yes without hesitation. When I went to his friend’s house to pick him up, he reeked of cheap vodka. And kept trying to hold my hand. I’ll admit, I had a little crush on him. So I liked it. And when I parked in front of my dorm, he leaned in to kiss me. I thought I was living out a movie. The boy I wanted, kissing me? So I kissed him. And I loved it. But once I brought him up to my room he had plans that didn’t involve him sleeping… Continue reading »
Ketamine Rape
It was the first semester of my first year of college. I was desperate… desperate for approval, desperate for love, desperate to fit in. Tony seemed like a nice guy, though I had only met him once before. He asked if I would be his girlfriend, and I agreed. Over the next couple of months, he quickly started pushing past my boundaries. He would lay on top of me (he was 280 pounds) and make out with me until I was gasping for breath, give me a minute to breathe, and then start again. I became increasingly uncomfortable, and so broke things off. That night he came to my dorm room and asked to have one last cup of (non-alcoholic) eggnog, which was a tradition of ours. He said he just wanted closure. I didn’t watch him pour it. I took a few sips quickly and realized something was wrong, but by the time I… Continue reading »
Sexual Assault
For years I’ve blocked out these horrible images I have in my head. I see the younger me; volnerauble, and letting this man take advantage of me. I see myself hurting, and no one noticing. I’m sorry to my younger self, sorry for not being strong enough to speak up. For years, I was abused my someone in my family-someone who was supposed to love me, and protect me from everyone. It took me a long time to realize that what happened to me wasn’t ok. It wasn’t until my freshman year of college in 2016 when I was exposed to all these. I started realizing that it didn’t only happen to me, but to so many others as well; people like me who never asked to become what everyone likes to refer to as “victims.” As I came to understand what was going on, I thought it was my fault. Maybe my boobs were… Continue reading »
Moving On
College is about finding yourself, finding your friends and ,finding who you want to become. While there is more freedom that comes with the title of a college student, there is more adulting as well. The movies make college seem like an endless party where all the boys are cute and a nice body is granted to you, which it a total lie (that I too bought into). For many freshman, myself included finding balance between the new found freedom and responsibilities is difficult. People try to prepare you for the course load, and the dangers of drinking, but no one could have prepared me for what I was about to walk into. Within my first year of college I was survived rape and overcame alcoholism. I started attending college in the fall at school where I knew not a soul. I spent the first weeks hiding in my dorm and secretly regretting not staying… Continue reading »
I called him my friend
It was a dated function. This guy was my friend. I showed up, and was given lots of vodka. Thats all I remember. I woke up. 4am. I’m in his bed, with his clothes on. I turned over and saw him there, staring at me. He climbed on top of me. It happened so fast. He took his pants off, lifted my legs up, and stared me straight in the eyes. He didn’t even try to kiss me. It hurt. All I could do was turn my head. I cried. It ended. I was scared. Did you use a condom? Yes, he said. I closed my eyes. 7am. The A-team was playing. He said, “I saved your ass last night.” Supposedly, I puked everywhere last night… He drove me home. I cried some more. Was I drugged? Did I lead him on? Did he mean to do that? He said sorry when I told him… Continue reading »
Rape
It was my first year of college and I was struggling with depression. I didn’t like my college and I felt out of place. I wasn’t ok. But it was suddenly so much worse. I was a freshman, he was a senior. We were both sociology majors and had a class together. We would chat in class, like class mates do. He had shown interest. I had made it clear I was in a relationship, and he shares that he was too. I thought we were on mutual ground. One night after class, he asks to hang out. I tell him I am not in the business of doing anything. He says that he just wants to talk and hang out, “no harm”. I finally give in and let him drive us to his place. My heart soon sank when I got there, as I realized he had his own place. I had expected his… Continue reading »
Because of You
Because of you, I lost who I was. I lost everything that made me feel who I am as a person. You made me feel ashamed, scared, and disgusted all at the same time. You made me feel ashamed and disgusted because you have made me blame myself for what happened. Blaming myself for actions that I had no control over, blaming myself even though I said no, blaming myself for thinking it was my fault. When it wasn’t my fault. I’m not in control of anyone’s actions except my own. I shouldn’t have blamed myself for actions you committed. I now realize that it’s not my fault. I’ve spent weeks pondering how a person can do what you did and have no remorse. How a person like you could not care what your actions were. That your actions affect other people besides yourself. Because of you, I lost all my courage. I lost my… Continue reading »