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I Remember Being Happy

I remember being happy to bump into you and smiling as I spoke to you. I remember feeling good that u invited me in and were not mad at me for staying away. Then I remember thinking that I must have given you the wrong vibe when u wanted to have sex. So I said no again and again! I even said I was serious while trying to keep a firm hold onto the elastic band of my shorts. It didn’t matter because as hard as I held you pulled harder. My fingers hurt from trying to grip so hard. One of us made a scratch across my right hip bone. I froze, not because I wanted to have sex but because I didn’t think I could stop it. I didn’t feel like the same happy 19yr old and I certainly wasn’t prepared to fight someone I thought was a friend, someone I thought was… Continue reading »

A Wolf Hidden In Sheeps Clothing

It was the second semester of my sophomore year in college. I recently just got out of breakup and was still dealing with a loss in my family. Pretty much a depressing stage of my life that I was so willingly eager to escape. I wanted to take on my second semester by storm and heal but I realized I was still hurting and vulnerable. Classes were in session and I shared this a class with a boy that I always found very interesting and attractive. We often became partners on assignments in class and I grew very closer with him. I started opening myself up to him and he did little by little as well but not so much as I did. We became good associates. He would compliment me on my outfits and hair; and sometimes ask to hangout after class with him. I started to like him, he took so much distractions… Continue reading »

A Story

SUNDAY, JANUARY 23, 2011 The night prior marked the 21st birthday of a friend in the grade above myself. I helped him home, fending off his drunk advances, before returning to my freshmen dormitory where I slept alone that night. The sun rose the next day in Boston and last night’s alcohol woke me up early. My best friend and her boyfriend accompanied me to the dining hall for a lazy breakfast. The hot food does not come out until at least 8 or 9am on Sundays so we enjoyed an appetizer of cold cereal. Through our meal we discussed our plans for the chilly January Sunday which did not involve heading to our training facility for any sort of Sunday session. As athletes, we took this Sunday to enjoy college like normal college students with no obligations. We chose to lounge in the room of my best friend’s boyfriend and watch the movie 21… Continue reading »

An Unknown Face & Hands

I was almost killed. I never thought I would utter those words let alone write them on a public website like this. I’ve written here before but that was a while ago, about a rape that happened almost 3 years ago. It’s happened countless times in my life already, I’ve been beaten, raped, sexually assaulted and nothing happened. No one cared and still today, no one ever will. In January of this year I went to a house party with a few friends, who later, would leave me in a room blackout drunk. The party wasn’t far from my college campus,so i was surprised when I didn’t know anyone besides my friends at the party. I still decided to drink and have a good time though. I don’t remember much about that night, just the drinks and just the smoke in the air from people smoking and doing drugs. That’s the last thing I vividly remember outside… Continue reading »

Feeling Alone

This last February/March I was raped by someone I formally call my friend. After drinking too much one Friday night our friend group was hanging out, we all got up to walk down the hall to another room in our dorm when he grabbed my breast and pulled me into the men’s bathroom. I told him no and he proceeded to say “don’t you dare be telling anyone about this you hear?” And then started raping me from behind and eventually shoved it down my throat too. I was traumatized after that and only told a few close friends. Then another drunk night, 2 weeks later, he struck again. This time coming into my room touching me and then sticking his part into my mouth and choking me. My friends called the cops and they took him away. He is expelled from the college we went to and found guilty by them. But next step… Continue reading »

Abused By My Cousin and Uncle

I think growing up, I was sexually assaulted by my my cousin as well as my uncle, but sometimes I often ask myself if it was really sexual abuse OR not. When I was younger, about 7-8 I lived in a house with my mom, aunt, uncle, and cousins. I can’t remember when the odd behavior started, but all I can really remember is how sometimes he would put his crouch up against me, like if I was laying down on my stomach or something, he’d kinda like rub it against my back/butt area. Even one time when I was playing with his sister he would do it, me and her had our faces under the cover, so she couldn’t see it but I knew what was going on. I was just trying to convince myself somehow it was normal. And there was one time where he told me to lay down on my stomach,… Continue reading »

So Many Times

I was always told how kind I was. Since a young age everyone told me that I had a kind heart. I feel like that’s the reason I have been taken advantage of so many times in my life. My kind heart made me vulnerable and naive to people who can be evil. I was graduating high school when my next door neighborhood who I knew forever raped me. It was in the back of a car and we had been partying. I said no but he still pulled my pants off and when I tried to get out from under him he pushed down harder on me and when I tried to open the door it was locked. It was a nightmare so I just laid there trapped and confused until it was over. Afterwards I told my friends and we went to get the morning after pill since he was not wearing a… Continue reading »

Disappointed

I’m not entirely sure what guys want. If I text my boyfriend good morning and appreciate him when he does something kind, I can put a smile on his face. If I study hard and be respectful and loving, I can make my dad light up. If I work out and stay healthy, my grandpa is pretty proud of me. I have a nice relationship with the men in my life- respect is a two way street and since they’re always willing to give it, I’ve gotten used to expecting it. I know guys want sexual things sometimes and that’s cool and that’s fine by me. I don’t mind loving, respectful physical relationships as long as he asks if what we’re doing is okay with me, if it feels good to the both of us, and neither of us is being coerced or convinced into doing anything we don’t want to do or feel ready… Continue reading »

Raped in College

I was 20 when I moved into my first apartment in college, I was date raped by my down stairs neighbor. I went to better myself with big thoughts of changing the world. I was drugged and raped by my down stairs neighbor. I tried to tell my best friend about it and she blamed me saying I did something to provoke the incident. I have never felt so alone so I didn’t tell anyone else, not even my family. When I tried to open up to my boyfriend he blamed me. I am 31 years old now and still struggle with relationships. I have seen Brave Miss World and it gave me strength to be more vocal about what happened to me. I’m am working through the depression and relationship issues. My family still doesn’t know because my mom died before I could tell her and I don’t know how to tell my big… Continue reading »

Losing My Virginity to a Campus Rape

My first night out at the bars in college was one that began with much excitement and anticipation. It was a freedom that I had never felt before. I felt old. I was in a new place with people who had absolutely no opinions of me. I was ready to establish myself in a way that I was never able to in high school. I wanted everyone to like me and, selfishly, I wanted everyone to be jealous of me. I wanted the other people in my class to think I was “cool” and mature and ready to take on anything the world could throw at me. I really was just trying to convince myself and my multitude of buried insecurities that those things were true. My roommate and I got ready together in our new dorm room that we had spent the day decorating. I wore a floral skirt and a cream spaghetti strap… Continue reading »