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He bought me chips and sent me on my way

Two years ago I aborted the child of my rapist. To this day I still feel sick to my stomach at the thought of this. This man had the ability to remove all sense of control from me and break me completely in a matter of hours. He also forced me to make a decision that would affect me for the rest of my life. Some days it’s difficult to even look at me. Somehow I’ve managed to convince myself that it’s all my fault, and have a large sense of guilt that I don’t think will ever go away. Most of the time I’m okay, but on days like this- there are moments I feel like I’m unable to breathe. I’m overcome with fear, sadness, anger, and guilt. I just want these feelings gone and all those moments erased. I wish somehow that was possible. But it isn’t, not even millions of therapy sessions… Continue reading »

Ex-boyfriend rape

I had just turned 17 when I met him. We talked nonstop. Over the phone, at school, after school. Always. We were unofficially dating over the summer. Then he randomly decided to drop me. Well, maybe it wasn’t random- he had a girlfriend of 2 months that I had no idea about. That December, we started talking again. I saw him multiple days during the week at school and church. His girlfriend cheated on him, and they had broken up a few months earlier. We talked all the time- about everything. It was like we picked back up where we left off. We flirted a lot. Then a couple months later, he decided to end everything again. We got into a huge argument. I said some nasty things. I even threatened to hit him. He told me, “no one has ever gotten away with hitting me. Not even a girl. Go ahead, I dare you.”… Continue reading »

Date Rape

When I was 17 years old, I went to a house party. The boys had just won their hockey finals and decided to celebrate by having lots of people over to drink and party. When I arrived, I noticed that we were the only girls there but living in a small town and knowing everyone I was close with all the boys. So we played drinking games and I knew they were all fighting over who got to hook up with me. I brought four drinks there because that’s how much I knew I could handle. But I already felt super drunk after the 1 drink I was given by one of the boys on the hockey team. I felt awful so I asked to go lie down and the guy who was being so nice to me brought me to his room and told me it was his house. As soon as I lied… Continue reading »

“I’m not gonna have sex with you”

I think about it all the time. The feeling of my legs shaking afterwards and the rest of the night. The mark that was left on my neck. The wave of confusion that I was left with. The feeling of shame and disappointment I had in myself for letting him take me to that empty parking lot. I feel the shame in the pit of my stomach for getting in the back seat of the car. I said it when we first hung out. I said it when he joked about buying condoms. I said it every time we texted. I said it when we got into the backseat of the car. I said it when he pulled out a condom. I said no countless times, yet we had sex. I try to convince myself it was nothing but then I think about what I already know about consent. I know at all points before… Continue reading »

It was just a friend date

I wasn’t planning on cheating. I was in a committed monogamous relationship, and we were both quite happy! I was with B for over 3 years, and I know he was trying to do it all right and save that 3 month wages! I had a lot of friends online, and that was fine, as long as it was only friends, and they knew I was taken. K was in one of my online groups, that B had no interest in. There was a convention in Atlantic City, and I wanted to go, incredibly badly! I originally planned on taking the train up and back, and spend the day gathering free swag, autographs, and overspending on collectables! K offered to pick me up, take me, and return me, and even stop for dinner! This means I get up later, back earlier even with dinner, get dinner, and I could spend the extra cash there! An… Continue reading »

It was in a society that told me that it’s my fault

I was 16, a young homosexual teen who’s society would probably blame me instead of him. He was my first actual “true love”. But we coudn’t publicly show out love (no holding hands/kissing/other form of affection). So one day,my mom went to my grandmother’s house to sleep over. So i invited my 23 years old “boyfriend”. After he arrived we cuddled, watched some movies,all was great until the moment where he started to kiss me and touch me, i first thought it was normal my body was supposed to be his body so he will respect it, but no he just did his thing quickly and woudn’t stop even when i strated pushing him away he didn’t stop. And he just left after that, i never heard of him ever again. After this phase of my life, i tried to comit suicide twice, but without knowing why i was depressed, i was in denial. And… Continue reading »

I loved him

I was 21 when I went out drinking with friends. I woke up in the morning not being able to recall how I got home or anything that had happened that night, I didn’t feel hungover or sick. I wasn’t wearing any clothes and I had bruises on my body. My boyfriend was with me so I asked him if anything happened between us that night, he was adamant that nothing happened. Several weeks later he admitted to me that he had met up with me that night and slipped something into my drink, carried me to my place and raped me while I was passed out. I was so disgusted that I wanted to call the police but he said that no one would believe me because we were dating. This is the first time I’m sharing this story. — Survivor, age 30

My posting

I do not know what to say. I know, or at least see what others have posted. Do I claim that I am different, or expound that I am the same? I have spent a lot of time, effort and money in schools. It would seem I would have the words. I have words, but can I find the right ones? Is it not, or do not want to? To write about it, I have to think about it. Thinking about it means to relive it. More so, it brings my tears. Am I not months past the consequences of the physical act? Or was the damage emotional? Obviously, I can not trust him. Would it be wise not to trust any hims? How many times do I stop writing because of my tears? Should I list what else I stop because of this? What would that solve? Solving is not the same as surviving…. Continue reading »

April 8th, 2016

This date changed my life. This was the date that lifted the rug, and uncovered all of the ill, suppressed memories and emotions that I had brushed under it. This was the date that opened my eyes to the exact number of times that I had been sexually assaulted: 6. Society creates these stigmas, stereotypes and ‘profiles’ of rapists and the victims who fell to them. I believed those stereotypes until this day that opened my eyes forever. I was in love once. He was a genuine, caring, selfless and loving man who knew me and my experiences inside and out. We agreed to stop seeing each other after I received a message from his girlfriend. After time had healed my wounds, I agreed to meet him at ‘our’ bar. This man was the only man that I had willingly given myself to in the past, and I arrived at this realization after I had… Continue reading »

Rape

I was date raped anally by someone that I thought I knew. It was horrible forceful and I couldn’t escape. I reported it to the police but I dropped the charges after phone intimidation and also the lack of support from my family and police. It turned out that he had done it again and I went back to court to support the other victim but due to her health and anxiety issues she didn’t pursue the case. I am still living this nightmare that he will find me and come after me again. — Helen, age 46