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I thought he liked me

We had gone on dates, I thought he liked me, I liked him. I was 18, he had met my family and made me feel special. I said no and he did it anyway, I laid there looking away, I didn’t fight, I should have fought. I cried after it and he tried to cuddle me and asked me what was wrong. I was too naive to realize that he had raped me, society had made me grow up thinking that rape was violent instead of it being something so grey and yet so traumatic. I thought he liked me and it took me far too long to realize it for what it was. Whenever I got close to a male and they tried to touch me, hug me, anything I would cry, I would ask them not to touch me, I felt like there was something wrong with me. But I had said no,… Continue reading »

He raped me. I hugged him goodbye after

One night while 18 years old and out partying with a girlfriend, I ran into an old friend. He was older – 27 – and I had known him for about 4 years, since he was good friends with my neighbor. I thought he was a friend because he seemed to look out for me in the past. When I was 16, my mom kicked me out of my house. He picked me up with all things and even let me stay at his place for a few days. I trusted him. So we keep drinking and end up at a hotel with him and his friend. They are pouring us drinks and handing them to us, but not drinking themselves. The last thing I remember is fading in and out and laughing, having a good time. I wake up in the morning laying on the bed beside him with nobody else there and no… Continue reading »

Blackout

Alcohol quieted my anxiety and dulled my hurt. I never ate enough, so when I drank, I would get drunker, faster. Alcohol gave me guts and I felt bold, sexy, and powerful under its spell. My new gal pal and I drank that day until all I can recall are shared, flirtatious smiles with the gorgeous guy across the bar—the kind of guy I could never have attracted before my eating disorder. Then…nothing. Blackness. A shred of memory of the backseat of a car and maybe (?) an apartment parking lot (mine?), then nothing. In the light of morning, with a pounding head and dry mouth, I woke to find a hand touching me. I rolled over to find a man who was only vaguely familiar, but definitely not someone I knew. I didn’t even know his first name, let alone his last. With disorientation and rising terror, I looked around the room. On the… Continue reading »

My First Boyfriend

I was absolutely smitten with my first boyfriend. He was cute, handsome, and very smart. I had never been in love before. I thought I loved him more than I could love anybody else. I was clear; I wanted to wait until I was married. I wanted to share that with somebody. No, I didn’t expect him to be a virgin. But I expected him to understand that I was; I wanted whomever to respect that. And he said he did. But he didn’t. And, in a moment of lust, he didn’t respect my wishes. And after he took my virginity, in which felt both like a second and an eternity, he didn’t respect what I wanted. And then he begged. He begged me to understand. He begged me to believe I was a virgin. Like I still had a choice. But I felt dirty. I felt violated. I felt like it no longer mattered…. Continue reading »

He bought me chips and sent me on my way

Two years ago I aborted the child of my rapist. To this day I still feel sick to my stomach at the thought of this. This man had the ability to remove all sense of control from me and break me completely in a matter of hours. He also forced me to make a decision that would affect me for the rest of my life. Some days it’s difficult to even look at me. Somehow I’ve managed to convince myself that it’s all my fault, and have a large sense of guilt that I don’t think will ever go away. Most of the time I’m okay, but on days like this- there are moments I feel like I’m unable to breathe. I’m overcome with fear, sadness, anger, and guilt. I just want these feelings gone and all those moments erased. I wish somehow that was possible. But it isn’t, not even millions of therapy sessions… Continue reading »

Ex-boyfriend rape

I had just turned 17 when I met him. We talked nonstop. Over the phone, at school, after school. Always. We were unofficially dating over the summer. Then he randomly decided to drop me. Well, maybe it wasn’t random- he had a girlfriend of 2 months that I had no idea about. That December, we started talking again. I saw him multiple days during the week at school and church. His girlfriend cheated on him, and they had broken up a few months earlier. We talked all the time- about everything. It was like we picked back up where we left off. We flirted a lot. Then a couple months later, he decided to end everything again. We got into a huge argument. I said some nasty things. I even threatened to hit him. He told me, “no one has ever gotten away with hitting me. Not even a girl. Go ahead, I dare you.”… Continue reading »

Date Rape

When I was 17 years old, I went to a house party. The boys had just won their hockey finals and decided to celebrate by having lots of people over to drink and party. When I arrived, I noticed that we were the only girls there but living in a small town and knowing everyone I was close with all the boys. So we played drinking games and I knew they were all fighting over who got to hook up with me. I brought four drinks there because that’s how much I knew I could handle. But I already felt super drunk after the 1 drink I was given by one of the boys on the hockey team. I felt awful so I asked to go lie down and the guy who was being so nice to me brought me to his room and told me it was his house. As soon as I lied… Continue reading »

“I’m not gonna have sex with you”

I think about it all the time. The feeling of my legs shaking afterwards and the rest of the night. The mark that was left on my neck. The wave of confusion that I was left with. The feeling of shame and disappointment I had in myself for letting him take me to that empty parking lot. I feel the shame in the pit of my stomach for getting in the back seat of the car. I said it when we first hung out. I said it when he joked about buying condoms. I said it every time we texted. I said it when we got into the backseat of the car. I said it when he pulled out a condom. I said no countless times, yet we had sex. I try to convince myself it was nothing but then I think about what I already know about consent. I know at all points before… Continue reading »

It was just a friend date

I wasn’t planning on cheating. I was in a committed monogamous relationship, and we were both quite happy! I was with B for over 3 years, and I know he was trying to do it all right and save that 3 month wages! I had a lot of friends online, and that was fine, as long as it was only friends, and they knew I was taken. K was in one of my online groups, that B had no interest in. There was a convention in Atlantic City, and I wanted to go, incredibly badly! I originally planned on taking the train up and back, and spend the day gathering free swag, autographs, and overspending on collectables! K offered to pick me up, take me, and return me, and even stop for dinner! This means I get up later, back earlier even with dinner, get dinner, and I could spend the extra cash there! An… Continue reading »

It was in a society that told me that it’s my fault

I was 16, a young homosexual teen who’s society would probably blame me instead of him. He was my first actual “true love”. But we coudn’t publicly show out love (no holding hands/kissing/other form of affection). So one day,my mom went to my grandmother’s house to sleep over. So i invited my 23 years old “boyfriend”. After he arrived we cuddled, watched some movies,all was great until the moment where he started to kiss me and touch me, i first thought it was normal my body was supposed to be his body so he will respect it, but no he just did his thing quickly and woudn’t stop even when i strated pushing him away he didn’t stop. And he just left after that, i never heard of him ever again. After this phase of my life, i tried to comit suicide twice, but without knowing why i was depressed, i was in denial. And… Continue reading »