As a black child she grew up with many black women An atmosphere of mostly females and children A plether of differences yet many the same someone points the finger but no one takes the blame Attenion seaking variances of competition with the appearance of being soft For the man and his foundation what the prize that they saught Changing the tone of ebbs that flow like an omen while wrapping herself around his torso with emotion Still times were hard To be a black woman raising A black girl while a black woman is dating But the little black girl noticed the drama placating, Black woman didnt see the lessons she was stating Not with words pursey But with action, not for the black girl because he was the main attraction. Held at a distance so touch and so taught Not telling her what to do but telling her what not Showering love on… Continue reading »
Hope after repeated rape
November 18th Thirteen years ago, that date changed everything, even though I didn’t realize it until months later. At 24 year-old, I was a virgin. My best friend’s husband had a childhood best friend, who had been talking on the phone with me for a few months, when everyone pitched in to buy me a plane ticket to go meet him in person. I spent a week, staying where he lived with his mom, while saving up money to buy a place for himself and his two-year old son. In hindsight, there were so many red flags, but I trusted my friends, and I’d also recently been disowned by my dad, who has Narcissistic Personality Disorder. This guy said everything I’d needed to hear, and couldn’t stop gushing about how great it was to find a “nice, Christian girl”. The last night I was there, we kissed and started making out a little, but I… Continue reading »
Raped by My Ex
I loss my first virginity back in April 22, 2018 from my ex boyfriend. When I first loss my virginity I felt mad, sad, depressed, stupid, and confused. The next day when I woke up around 7 o’clock in a morning he raped me again I still felt confused, tired, denial, exhausted, and trapped. He became very possessive, controlling, and abusive torch me. The next day I called in for work to tell my boss what is going on. I got a ride to an emergency Ride Out Hospital to do a raped kit then I reported him to the cop. The next day he left me a voicemail he was very piss off by making a threated. He wanted me to meet him at the bus stop in my neighborhood I refuse to show up. On May 24th 2018 I file a 5 years restraining order so can stop coming by my neighborhood. Right… Continue reading »
Married to my Rapist
I was married to who I thought was a good man. We were together for 8 years, and I knew that he had once had a drinking problem but had conquered it. He began drinking again shortly into our marriage and, unbeknownst to me also started a cocaine habit that would last 6 years. His habit was to go out on the weekends and drink and then come home and pass out. At first, I went with him…afraid of him driving home drunk but after awhile I realized I was enabling the behavior and giving up my time and my life walking on eggshells around him. So I stopped driving him and it was his choice if he went out or not. He would come home drunk and try to make love but he stunk of whisky and half the time couldn’t perform and I would refuse because of the drunkenness. Once, he came home… Continue reading »
It is not my fault
The first incident I can really vividly remember was my freshman year of high school. I went to a school that required us to wear uniforms and I had to take the metro to school every day. I was sitting down by myself and a guy got on the train and, despite almost all other seats being empty, he sat down next to me. The first few minutes were fine but I started to feel something on my thigh. I looked down and saw his hand there, moving up my skirt. Shocked, I pushed it off of my leg and turned away as much as I could. He did it again, but I was too scared to yell or scream for help. I pushed him off the seat and got off the train at the next stop. I didn’t tell anyone for a long time, I was too embarrassed. My sophomore year of high school… Continue reading »
It never goes away
July 12 2008. That wasn’t the day I was raped. It was the day I was to be married to my rapist. He developed a drinking problem. He was always verbally abusive, though I didn’t recognize it at first. When he became physically abusive in November 2007, I began my escape. I let him pull me back in though…I always thought if he got help we’d be together and for a moment I thought he had. Social media was advanced enough at that time for me to find out he was falling into old patterns. I ended the rekindling. A few months later he was moving to Louisiana. He needed someone to watch the house he bought and the dog we had. I had been living with my parents and was getting sick of being 22 with a ‘curfew’. He asked me to move back and watch the house and dog. He wasn’t supposed to… Continue reading »
I Was a Fool for Him
I was a starry eyed 15 year old when we first met. He was a mysterious and attractive 18 year old. I should have known what would happen if we got together. We would hang out on weekends with friends and he would flirt with everyone. On his last night in town before he moved to the country, we hung out atbhis place of the moment. It was my best friend, him, and myself. We were all laying in his bed talking for hours in the dark. All of a sudden the two left the room, and he fucked my best friend in his bathroom. I should have known what he was about from that alone. That he had no shame and wanted a nut. After he moved to the country I tried to keep in touch with him. We would talk over messenger and MySpace when we could. But there woukd be times that… Continue reading »
The secret
I was 15 years old dating a 20 year old named Scott. One day Scott asked me to hang out at his house and picked me up on his motorcycle. I went there and his friend Vernon was there. Within a few min of arrival, the two of them threw me on the couch and wanted to rape me. They held me down ripping at my clothes laughing at me and I was petrified beyond. I said I had to go to bathroom bad they let me go and I locked myself in the bathroom and climbed through bathroom window and went on the roof and was so horribly scared. After yelling at me to come out of bath, they eventually quieted down and said they would not attack me. I exited bathroom and was shoved by boyfriend Scott then he brought me Back to the neighborhood store where he had picked me up. I… Continue reading »
Still Terrified
I was scared to write this. But, since I cannot settle my mind, I thought I would just go ahead and write so that I can clear my head and hopefully ease this pressure off my chest. You should know, if I may say, this is not easy, actually it is really very hard. I find myself still waiting for that place I was told comes with time – where you could discuss the bad things and your feelings not be so wrapped up in them to the point that you cannot function or breathe right, or it no longer holds you bound. A time when a thing can just be a thing – I guess that is the sentiment anyway. Nevertheless, here it goes… I was born in Baltimore MD. I was raped by my father starting at 18 months, which is when my mother left, according to her anyway! She said she left… Continue reading »
Feelings After I was Raped 20 plus years
I am always screaming inside. What is Normal. I forgot who I was before I was raped. What is it like to be Happy. I never really sleep. I am always mad. Not a day goes by that I don’t think about my Rapist(s). Why I never told anyone. I am Embarressed. I am Ashamed. I am so stupid. I let it happen. Believe me. Don’t believe me. I never really Smile. I don’t know what love really is. I am numb. Trust. Sitting in the Shower. Crying with No Sound. Who am I really. I Never want to Leave my house. Nobody knows. Everybody knows. Worse. Hurt. Pain. Sorrow. I want to die everyday. I want to live. Don’t touch me. Touch me. Where is my Laugh. I am weak. Bury my head im my pillow every night. I want to be left alone. Don’t leave me alone. Breathe. I want to forget. I… Continue reading »