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I recently went through a very hard time in my life and I turned to alcohol. It was my coping mechanism, it helped me through the darkness. I knew it wasn’t the right thing to do but I continued to do it against everyone’s wishes. I finally started getting better, no more showing up drunk to work, no more passing out in the middle of the road. I was getting better. Then, the night came, I drank far too much than I expected. I have never been the one to ask for a ride home. I collected myself and left the place I had been drinking. I remember walking home and hearing all the street noises, remembering voices, remembering everything until I didn’t. The next thing I remembered was waking up in my own bed. I woke up with dirt in my nails, hair, and clothes. I woke up with my shirt on backward. I… Continue reading »


I have a peculiar form of anxiety paralysis. This started shortly after I started school, as I would stress over an upcoming placement test, I froze in place, unable to move or speak, though fully aware. It ends in about 20 minutes, and I am fine. I was transferred to a Special Needs school, and they could adapt to my freezes. This went on until I was preparing for my first actual date. I was semi-dressed rushing out of the bathroom, and dropped and scattered my make-up and hygiene things all over the floor when I opened the door. This time the paralysis included a black-out, and I awoke sitting on my bed, placed there by my Uncle B. Nothing is stressful like preparing for a first date, being seen in one’s underwear by a relative, unable to move. He comforted me and I made it on time, had a nice evening out, and went… Continue reading »

I don’t know who I am

25 years o­ld and hav­e been in ­and out of­ therapy f­or the pas­t 10 years­. I am diagnosed wit­h CPTSD, D­issociativ­e identity­ disorder,­ and sever­e major de­pressive d­isorder wi­th suicida­l tendencies. I grew­ up in a b­roken home­ where my ­mom would ­beat me ev­ery night ­and leave ­me to slee­p on the bathroom fl­oor. My fa­ther was a­n alcoholi­c and left­ when I wa­s only 5 y­ears old. ­Growing up­ I was use­d to havin­g my needs­ ignored a­nd because­ my mom would blame ­me for eve­rything th­at went wr­ong, I dev­eloped an ­extremely ­low sense ­of self-es­teem. I’ve­ never hea­rd “I­ love you” from­ any of my­ parents, ­instead “I wish­ you hadn’­t been bor­n” an­d “yo ­u’re the r­eason we’r­e sufferin­g” an­d “yo­ur dad lef­t because ­you’re the­ devil” were phrases I gr­ew accusto­med to. Be­cause of t­his, I hav­e a very h­ard time maintaining friendships because­ I am conv­inced that­… Continue reading »

Was I Raped?

In January of this year, I was invited to a male friend’s house with a female friend. We were told another one of friends were there, as well. My female friend and I didn’t have plans, so we agreed to go over. We all sat in the tv room of his basement and listened to music and watched some shows. He asked my friend and his friend to leave (as they were sort of a thing, I thought nothing of it). He aggressively tried to force himself on me and I kept fighting. He didn’t stop. I was in pain, but all he wanted was to continue. I know he was aware that I did not want this. He then told us to leave because he had more people coming over. Was I raped? Please help me know what happened to me. I need closure. I don’t know what this was, or what to call… Continue reading »

Online dating

I have been raped three times in my life. Once was with a boyfriend in high school when I was 17. His sexual preferences changed as ours all do, but mine stayed the same and we didn’t like the same things anymore. But that didn’t stop him from getting what he wanted. The second time was when I was 18, I don’t remember anything between meeting a guy friend at the park, to waking up in the bushes with my pants down and blood in between my legs. But when I was 19 in 2015 was the worst one… the one that leaves me lying awake at night and the endless panic attacks was that from a guy I met online. I met him off of Plenty of Fish, and we had already gone out on our first date. Everything went well and he seemed like a really nice guy. So we went out on… Continue reading »

I can say it now

My Dad was strict with us girls about sex- If we lost our virginity, we were out on the street. An appeal to Mom just got her to shrug and a reply Don’t. One night my older brother Tim was supposed to stay over at a hot party, but apparently returned home drunk. I awoke to him pulling up my nightshirt, and barely awake I said”Hey, it’s Heather!” but he was already raping me. He mumbled something about his girlfriend”Cleo was already getting laid, so he needed this”, and though I tried but he was too big to push him off, and I was scared to tell. Our little sister Lily woke to watch the scene. When he was done, he said”Thanks” and went to the bathroom to pee, and then to bed. All I could do was console Lily, who was scared. The next morning, after Dad and Mom went to work, Tim just… Continue reading »


Help. God help me write this, but i think its time i let it out. This is my story about how a man who completely destroyed me within a matter of minutes, three times. At first i didnt know it was rape. After years of abuse i just thought it was normal and no one would talk about it. But surley it happens to everyone? Right? Clearly not. I somehow convinced myself that it was my fault and that i asked for it. And that i was wearing the wrong clothes so it could have happend to anyone. That im clearly a slut because of this. That no man will ever love me because of what has happened. No one will accept me and my past. But no one should ever feel like that, as it is the hardest thing i have ever had to get out of. And im still trying. I was 13… Continue reading »

Multiple Times

I am a survivor, multiple times over. The first time was 10 years ago. It took me until last year to be able to speak about it. I felt it was my fault. I was in an abusive on again, off again relationship. We were off at the time, and I met this guy (Brandon) on MySpace. I was barely 18 and naive and really, really hurt. My ex had been cheating on me. My mom had recently been diagnosed with breast cancer. I was a mess. He messaged me out of the blue, saying he was looking for friends in the area. I was clear with him about not wanting any form of a sexual relationship…I didn’t feel comfortable with anything but friends. He laughed it off, saying he had a girlfriend and wasn’t “that type of guy.” The first time I saw him, I was drunk. He decided to play the role of… Continue reading »

He Was A Police Officer

I am a survivor of rape. My assault happened by someone I thought was a person I could trust. We had been childhood friends and he was the pastor’s son at the church I grew up in. He was a police officer in the town I was attending college at and we started hanging out and getting to know each other better, since we hadn’t seen each other in years. To make a long story short, he displayed warning signs of odd behaviors a few months after getting to know each other, but I ignored them because I thought I could trust him. The warning signs included demanding that he was allowed to spend the night at my apartment without asking, following me home or randomly being in the same places I was, getting VERY angry at very small things that happened and then apologizing that he reacted in that way… I thought these were… Continue reading »

He said he’d never do it again

First of all..I’m not a native speaker. I’m from Switzerland and somehow feel more comfortable with writing my story in English feels like it didn’t happen to ME but to someone else. It started when I was 13…my family and my uncle’s family organize a meeting every 2-4 months. First my uncle (he’s 50) just touched my butt. And then it got worse and worse with time. He grabbed my breasts, and genital area and..then he started penetrating me. Only with his finger but it hurt anyway. I told him no and I tried to struggle but..I felt so pathetic because he isn’t even TALLER than me. I should have fought harder or screamed…but I never screamed because I didn’t want anyone to see. I was so embarrassed and felt guilty for my aunt..I mean, he cheated on her because of ME. He took my first kiss, my first sex, my pride and myself… Continue reading »