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My Relationship With Dad

This is hard to write about, because its still going on. My dad is still using me, and have been for almost a year now. I don’t remember everything about the first time he raped me. I was 16 and my mom was away on a business trip. She works a lot, starts early in the morning so she goes to bed early and is often away. So, I and my dad was sitting on the couch watching some movie. Then much is blurry. He threw himself on me, touched me, and didn’t care when I told him to stop. The one thing I remember clear as day however is what he said to me. He was groping me, and he whispered in my ear. He said things like “i’m sorry”, “I love you”, “daddy needs it”. He then penetrated me, and had sex with me. I didn’t scream out, I just cried. I still… Continue reading »

Alcohol Convinced Me It Was My Fault, Until Now

‘ve never spoke out about this to anyone. I have been raped twice. During the summer of 2016, I went on holiday to my parents house in Spain with a few of my girlfriends. It was my first major holiday without my parents but I knew the place very well and it only featured one small bar/club. One night I had been out with the girls, but they wanted to go home before I did, and considering I had known some of our companions for years, I stayed out without them upon the agreement that a male I had met that night would walk me home. My next memory is waking up on the floor, naked from the waist down in an apartment that was not mine. I took a few minutes for me to properly understand my situation, then I immediately got dressed and proceeded to leave the apartment. When leaving I walked past… Continue reading »

Love of My Life?

I was 17 years old. My senior year of high school was complete. My boyfriend at the time came down from Stanford to see me graduate. He was caring, supportive, kind, you know, a great boyfriend. He was a sophomore, grade A student, football player, and community activist. Two weeks before my graduation, we decided to move in together when I went to Stanford. At my graduation dinner, he asked me, in front of all my friends and family to marry him, and I said yes. Everything was perfect, until it wasn’t. The first few months of my freshman year in college, we did everything together. Tailgate parties, fraternity parties, walked each other to class, planning one of the greatest days of my life. I was finally 18, and his teammates threw me a surprise party. Everything went well for the first few hours, but then, he started getting a little too drunk. I walked… Continue reading »

What I Now Feel, Because of Him

I’m in a dark place, a very dark and empty room. I sit in the furthest corner away from the door, trapped inside my own thoughts. Im away from the world, trapped in a dark room with pain, violence and torture keeping me company. I can’t move or speak, Im silenced with the feeling of my heart cut open. My heart is bleeding, my blood is black because it consists of no love, its filled with guilt and hate. I sit here, with shadows surrounding me, these shadows are my friends and family. The dark room is my life and the door was a door leading to death. I sit with these shadows unaware of their presence, Im lost I can’t speak to them nor can I cry out loud for them to hear. Im silenced, 30 feet away from the door. This door is what will save me, This door is what will take… Continue reading »

Spousal Rape

Deep inside of me, there is a demon. My demon is panic and anxiety. It was planted there by a person I once had loved. I no longer loved that person as I once had; my love had changed. His love had grown hateful and resentful. One night, while lying in bed, I fell asleep early. It was the night before he would leave the house forever. As I lay asleep in bed, he climbed on top of me. I awoke to his breath on my neck and ear, his hands on my body, breathing “one last time”…. The demon PANIC was planted into my soul that night. Immediately it took root in my gut, clawing and pushing, kicking and screaming. I climbed out from the fray, repeating over and over “no, no, no, no, no….” and scrambled my way to the closet. “GET OUT!” I screamed over and over, as our children sleep in… Continue reading »

My Beloved Man

I see many Articles online about Abuse. Abuse by coworkers, friends, fathers, ex-boyfriends, and sometimes strangers. I feel like I have to whisper this story of mine, because it is to remain a secret forever. I can’t speak up loud enough for my children to hear. Life would be ruined. And it is a picture perfect life. When you say no, for an hour, and he persistently tries to open your legs as you ride in his car. When he grabs your boobs and pulls your pants down ‘as a joke’, expecting you to laugh it off, but your child is right there, and no laughing off can happen. When you take shower, and he walks in naked, and you tremble, because nothing is going to go your way. Nothing. You will pretend to be turned on, hoping that you can relax and feel good. And sometimes get dehumanized and feel like an inconsiderately fucked… Continue reading »

Never Thought It Would Happen To Me

I am a rape survivor. I was in a relationship with this guy for about a year and 3 months in total. I thought we would be together for a long time. I thought he would never hurt me. I thought he would never do what he did. But yet, he still did it. I was 14 when I started dating him. I was in eighth grade. He was my friends older brother. He was 16 at the time. Ever since i saw him I wanted to be able to be his girlfriend. I wanted him to notice me so I started being someone who I never wanted to become. I started drinking, going to parties, being a hoe, acting older than I was. I would do anything for him to notice me. The day he finally started to talk to me was the best day of my life. I felt so happy. He treated… Continue reading »

My Innocence Was Taken Away

I am a rape victim. I was raped twice by a family member who is my cousin. It had happened when I was 11 year old at the year of 2005. It was summer break and all kids want to have fun with families and friends. However, my male cousin used to came and visit us and hang with us until he came one day to feel me up me while my rest of the family members were watching television. And couple days passed, he came back while I was playing with my brother. I went in an empty house to see a cat that when in there. The empty house is in the my parent yard. My brother didn’t told me that my cousin was there and he came in the empty house upstair where I was. I was looking through a window until he grabbed me and pushed me toward a door. He… Continue reading »

So Many Times

I was always told how kind I was. Since a young age everyone told me that I had a kind heart. I feel like that’s the reason I have been taken advantage of so many times in my life. My kind heart made me vulnerable and naive to people who can be evil. I was graduating high school when my next door neighborhood who I knew forever raped me. It was in the back of a car and we had been partying. I said no but he still pulled my pants off and when I tried to get out from under him he pushed down harder on me and when I tried to open the door it was locked. It was a nightmare so I just laid there trapped and confused until it was over. Afterwards I told my friends and we went to get the morning after pill since he was not wearing a… Continue reading »

If I Were Stronger Then

If I were stronger then, I would have left him after he sexually assaulted me in our mutual friend’s downstairs bathroom. I would have known that it was sexual assault. I would have told somebody. I wouldn’t have excused him by telling myself, “Hey, he could have inserted, but he didn’t. He only tried. I was only crying because I was nervous about my first time.” But I wasn’t stronger. I was about to turn 16 years old and was dating a guy that I had fallen for over a year ago. He had a girlfriend that he claimed he was leaving me for, but that took a while. When I finally started dating him, two weeks in, we were hanging out at a mutual friend’s hour and he wanted to go downstairs and get some private time. We started kissing and things were going faster than I was anticipating. I was a virgin. He… Continue reading »