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But what really happened?

Last week I had decided to go on a night out with a few of my friends. Being 19, clubbing and alcohol is a hobby of mine, I did what I usually do and just go with the flow of the night. We had started off at the pub, I only had 2 pints of cider and 2 sour shots. I was tipsy but fine. We gathered some extra people and decided to go to a nightclub. In a 7 seater taxi I was the only female, I tried to not over think on the situation but I felt worried. There were 2 extra guys that were with us that I had never met, that also looked heavily drugged up on something.. One of the unknown guy sat opposite me, he asked me “What are you doing after clubbing?” I told him how I was going to go round to my boyfriends (who decided to… Continue reading »

It was not my fault

While I sit here trying to find the words to my story it is still difficult to talk and think about it. I am now 23 years old, and everything happened when I was 15, actually around the same time of the year as I am writing this. It took me a long time to be able to accept and understand what happened to me. I spent 6 of the last 8 years in denial and trying to escape every thought or memory that reminded me of that horrible feeling of not being able to defend myself. I was in a bad place back then, young, troubled and struggling with depression. I tried to escape into alcohol and anything that would stop me feeling so empty. In January 2010 I went to spent a semester abroad with a host family. During the Carnival season my “host sister” took me to a rental house with some… Continue reading »

Metoo

Born A Girl When I was 10, I noticed men looking at me differently When I was 10 to 12 men and boys of all ages honked their horns, whistled and yelled profanities at me When I was 13 my friend and I were walking home in the daylight, when a man came out from his backyard and asked us if we wanted to drink beers and join his party When I was 14 a handsome man in his 20’s began spending time with me. I thought he would love me forever if I gave him my virginity. He accepted and took it because he could. He was known for his interests in young girls, yet he stayed quite popular When I was 15, I was intoxicated and walking through a park. I could hardly stand, let alone walk. A man pulled up in his truck, walked up to me and raped me. He left… Continue reading »

The Night That Changed My Life

How nice to know that within the next 7-10 years you will never have touched me. How devastating to know that 5 of you drugged then raped me after mixing something into my drink while I was using the bathroom. How horrible is it that my best friend, someone I trusted with my whole heart, left me in that house, with no one I knew. It was February 12, 2017 and I was visiting a friend at Bloomsburg University for the weekend. Friday night was a blast, and the beginning on Saturday night was even better. I had no idea that my life was going to change forever just a few short hours later. I was at a Frat party with my friends, enjoying myself, having a drink, and mingling with different people. Before I knew it, I was in an unfamiliar house with 6 guys and my “best friend,” and I needed to use… Continue reading »

Still Going

I can barely remember my childhood but Im going to let it go and share what I do remember. Im 33 years old and grateful to have survived. I remember my mothers husband raping me at the age of 7. He was sexually, mentally, physically, and emotionally abusive. He was a well respected man in our community and a sergeant in the military. So when I finally couldnt take anymore I called a hotline. I was done. My own mother allowed him to do this to me. And I was tired of being scared after 5 years. So…after calling the hotline an investigator showed up. Wow. I never thought things could get worse but I was so wrong. They believed. They didnt do a damn thing. They gave him a lie detector test and he passed!!! That comfirmed my fears. He was crazy..he didnt think there was anything wrong with what he did. So I… Continue reading »

Trapped

I don’t know what to call it. Its been a rough year, my cousins lost his sister to suicide, & I know it shouldn’t be an excuse for why I let him do what he does to me. I thought the first time he took advantage of me was going to be the last. I convinced myself that this was never to happen again and it was only because he’s grieving over his sister, i’m just a temporary void for him. But he’s my cousin. Someone I once thought was the closest thing to me getting over his sisters death, the closest memory I have to her in keeping my sanity & not wanting to escape to be with her. I keep telling myself, it’s not a huge thing. I’ll get over it because I’m so use to pretending everything is okay, so I should be able to pretend and fake a smile with this,… Continue reading »

First Frat Party

All I ever wanted to do was be in a sorority, I wanted those sisters. I grew up with an older and younger brother in West Virgina so when I came to college I knew I wanted to rush. When I got my “BIG SIS” we were immediatly best friends. Baylie was the big sister I had always hoped for. I had only started “going out” my senior year in high school so I didn’t know too much about partying. But Baylie helped me find my comfort zone in it. At first we stuck to small apartment and house parties, then mid October I decided I was ready to go big time, and go to one of the fraternity parties. It was tuesday night, a more low key night for my first one. There were several girls from my sorority there so it was a good time. We were standing in the hallway and Baylie… Continue reading »

I should’ve tried harder to stop it

It was a year and 4 months ago, on my 16th birthday. I was at a house party of one of my good friends at the time and I was very, very drunk (how cliché of me)! When we first got there, our bags were put in a bedroom, so I assumed we were all sleeping in that room. Early into the morning, after drinking way too much, I went in to lie down. Turns out that was my friend’s brother’s room. He came in and I remember him closing the door. The rest of the night is kinda blurry and very dark and I remember it burned a lot and I could not wait for it to all be over. My friends didn’t understand and were very mad and decided to no longer speak to me. I was depressed for a few months about losing them. I felt like it was my fault for… Continue reading »

It’s my fault

I’m a small town girl living on her own for the first time in a really big city going to college. I’ve been dating my boyfriend (who lives 5 hours away) for almost 5 years and one night I went out with some friends and ended up getting really wasted to where I blacked out for most of that night. Fast forward 7 weeks later I notice signs of pregnancy but didn’t get an ultrasound until 9 weeks in the pregnancy. At the time, I thought it was my boyfriend (it would be impossible to be anyone else’s as I’ve been exclusive with him) but the timeline she gave me didn’t match with the times by boyfriend came out to see me. In fact, she was about 2 weeks off and I assumed it must’ve been a mistake. It wasn’t until I spoke to another friend about this and she mentioned to me that 9… Continue reading »

Party Accident

I was in the second trimester of school and the pressure was beginning to psych myself out. My friends told me about a party, knowing I would more than likely, not go. I bombed my trig test and was disappointed and angry. That night, I snuck out of my house (already have taken a few shots) and my friends picked me up. After a half an hour, I lost my friends in the crowd. I drank and drank and took pills someone gave me. I felt like a different person. A guy was making eye contact with me for a while when I was talking to his friend. After minutes of “eye flirting,” I finally went over to say hi. He genuinely seemed sweet. The room smelled only of weed and sweat. It was filled with music with bass so loud you could feel it. Things escalated out of control, way faster than I wanted…. Continue reading »