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Why Me?

First, I apologize if my grammar is bad. I live in Sweden and english is a little tricky for me. But, I still want to tell my story! I was between 4 – 5 years of age the first time I was assaulted. It was my older brother who did it and I put all the blame of what happened on myself. I didn’t try to tell anyone, I was ashamed even though I didn’t even have any words for what was going on. I was too little to know. It happened numerous times after that, and I remember when I reached puberty how I used to shower for hours and hours after he had raped me. Sometimes he would break into the bathroom and rape me again in the shower. I didn’t feel safe anywhere, not even in my own home. I eventually told a friend when I was 14 and it gave me… Continue reading »

MesS Into A mesSage

Your home detention bracelet is now a permanent pain to my nerves because you maliciously put this around my ankle. You stole my car, you had access to my home, I was sodmized, raped and abused like an animal. It didn’t mean anything to you because you needed it more than I did. You ate my food, you spent my well earned money, I hadn’t been to work for over 3 days, you used my personal mobile phone and my work phone, you abused my work laptop for all your pornography & malicious deals. You laughed and scorned me. I was mistreated, I was naked, you abused me like a helpless rag doll. You thought you loved me, you thought you were protecting me, even your lustful eyes quenched my spirit, held in the hands of something incomprehensible, your fingers fondled my purity, you took my virginity, my innocence and my integrity, my cries were… Continue reading »

Confused by Rape

I would like to start by saying the recent rape is indeed all of my fault and i now feel completely disgusting and hate myself. And please try to understand where I’m coming from before judging me too badly…. I had a hard time with love and figuring it out. My grandparents hate each other, both my parents have had multiple marriages and multiple partners while in those marriages, and i had been introverted.. The first time i was molested i was 11 years old. My neighbors cousin had done it for a year before he moved. The first time i was raped i was 18. I had never dated and i was still a virgin. The rape lasted 2 years before he was caught. Now, and I’m not trying to defend this in any way, I’m thinking it has to do with rape being my only sexual experience, but any time after the rape… Continue reading »

Roommates

He was my roommate. Someone I barely knew, an acquaintance. I had moved back to campus after living about a year 20 minutes out from school. I was desperate to be around people my own age again and get out of my current living situation. I took on random roommates in the same building as all my friends. I knew ahead of time they’d be guys I didn’t know but I never thought much of it because I had always made friends with guys easier. Before moving in, I became married during my last semester of school. I couldn’t wait to move into my new place and have the best last semester of college ever. Little did I know, it would hands down, be my worst. My roommate was friendly off the back but I assured myself, he was only being nice. He added me on all my social media and messaged me on facebook… Continue reading »

My Side

Only three weeks ago, I had my first kiss. About 3 minutes later, I had my first sexual experience, against my will. It was the Friday before Halloween, and I was spending it with kids from my school, all of whom I felt comfortable around and felt safe with. All of these kids knew me; they knew I was smart, I was funny, I sometimes talked too loud, and I was a person deserving of respect. We did shots, laughing about the college application process and the burdens of taking 4 AP classes. I remember getting more and more drunk, but feeling okay – usually everyone left before midnight (it was already 11) and I had plans to spend the night at the host’s house, who happened to be one of my closest friends. The host had some friends from a neighboring town; a few of them I knew from previous parties and from hanging… Continue reading »

Motel 6 Nightmare

April 8th, 2016 changed me in whatever way I let it for the rest of my life. I was with my friend and a bunch of her friends that I didn’t know in a motel room that night. I’m not the type of person to ever do something like this, but the day before I had found out my parents were getting divorced so I just wanted to escape reality. Throughout the night people were in and out at all times. We were smoking, drinking, and one other girl and I took a pill. My friend knew I wanted to have a good night and forget my life. She was looking out for me all night, but she couldn’t do that when she was sleeping. I was by far the most messed up person there so I fell asleep around 11pm. At 2am I awoke from a knock on the door for a noise complaint… Continue reading »

Exploitation Was My Lifestyle

When I was 14, my parents got a divorce because my mom had an affair. her boyfriend moved in with us and I just wanted to be away from home. always. i had older sisters but they had moved out to college. i was alone. my mother was too busy with her boyfriend to worry about where i was or who i was with. I was a freshman at my christian school dating a senior. everyone had a problem with it but he made me feel like i was important during this time in my life. i ended up hanging out with a lot of seniors, older people, adults at only 14. i ended up getting into drugs and alcohol and it started taking over my life. by day i was a good christian girl at school, and by night i was high and drunk and drowning out my sorrows. when i was 15 i… Continue reading »

Victim No More

As a child i grew up in an abusive household. My mother and father were both heavy substance users and I was exposed to a lot of violence ever since birth. Quite frankly, my rape was inevitable. I was only just 12 at the time, first year of high school. I was ‘off the rails’ as my mother said, smoking, drinking and ditching school. My best friends at the time (who deserved to be named) were to older boys named Ben, 14 and Jamie, 13. I spent all of my time with them and I trusted them wholeheartedly. That was until the 13th of July 2014. I left home without permission and met them, I drank about 5 – 6 shots of vodka, bearing in mind.. I was 12. I was paralytic and undoubtedly very, very drunk. The older boy, whom I’d known for a few years, moved me onto the other. I’ll admit I… Continue reading »

Alcohol Convinced Me It Was My Fault, Until Now

‘ve never spoke out about this to anyone. I have been raped twice. During the summer of 2016, I went on holiday to my parents house in Spain with a few of my girlfriends. It was my first major holiday without my parents but I knew the place very well and it only featured one small bar/club. One night I had been out with the girls, but they wanted to go home before I did, and considering I had known some of our companions for years, I stayed out without them upon the agreement that a male I had met that night would walk me home. My next memory is waking up on the floor, naked from the waist down in an apartment that was not mine. I took a few minutes for me to properly understand my situation, then I immediately got dressed and proceeded to leave the apartment. When leaving I walked past… Continue reading »

Drunken Rape

Just a few months ago, April 1st, 2016, I was sexually assaulted. I am 16 years old, and was 15 when it happened. The man was 52… I haven’t seen my friend for a while and wanted to hangout with her, and we had nothing to do for a few hours, so we went on a walk and said we should call one of her other friends to go hangout too. But when we got there the other friend wasn’t there. But he invited us in to stay. He forced us to drink alcohol and stay for hours. Begging for us to stay over I finally got too drunk and had to lay down for a bit. He brought me up stairs and said to lay down for a while. And when I did I fell asleep right away, I woke up to pressure on my chest and a chill on my legs. I had… Continue reading »