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Afraid of Being Judged

When I was 18 years old I was like a lot of young women-dating, trying out relationships, making mistakes. My biggest mistake was to trust a “friend.”. We had a passionate relationship at the start. We were both college freshman, I had a long-distance boyfriend that wasn’t working out-and we became intimate though never officially boyfriend & girlfriend. He was inexperienced, and fell in love with me very quickly. Looking back, I should have seen many aspects of his behavior for the red flags that they were: he often persisted in pressing me on things when I’d already said no many times. After our first semester, when I went home for Christmas break, and spent time away from him, I had the time to reflect on our relationship. I was no longer comfortable with it. He was in love with me, but I was not in love with him. I had not yet totally broken… Continue reading »

Never a Victim; Only Myself

This is my first time sharing my story publicly. Although my story is like many others, my reactions to it, and my outlook on it, are very unique I believe. The first time I was raped, I was 18 years old. It was a beautiful night in the summer of 1999. My boyfriend was maybe a year or so older than I, but was already a father to a 3 year old from a previous relationship. He was a father, my boyfriend, and also my rapist. I had gone over to his apartment to hang out and just be together. When I got there, my boyfriend was already drinking. Not sure how many beers he had had prior to my arrival, but I thought nothing of it. We were having a conversation in his kitchen when he offered me a beer. I refused, he didn’t push. Everything was fine, just like any other couple we… Continue reading »

My Rape Stories

I was raped by my brother when I was 4 years old on more than one occasion. When I was 13 years old he approached me again in a sexual manner and asked if I would take off my shirt and bra and let him touch my chest, I was home alone and was afraid of what he would do if I refused to my relief his friends came back to my house and he was forced to leave my bedroom, I then asked his friends if they would stay the night because I was worried my brother was disturbed. When I was 16 years old, I found the courage to tell my parents unfortunately they did not believe me. When I turned 19 I moved out of my house and for a few weeks my brother had no place to stay so I let him stay with me in my apartment thinking enough time… Continue reading »

Thank you for being LOUD!

I know it is hard to share this burden, to deal with it again and again, to listen to stories that are triggering of the PTSD and to try to help the whole world and feel overwhelmed. I hope you will give yourself a chance to take a break when needed, but also stay with this movement in the long run. The louder we speak out about what happened, and the more often, the more likely we are to be heard, and to be joined by others. I was molested by my own father for most of my life. He was a very violent man, and I knew I did not own anything in the house I grew up in – not even any part of my own body. I was his property, a slave for him to use in any way he wanted, to force to do things whenever he felt like it, to… Continue reading »

Multiple Times

Raped by a caregiver at 6 years old and then again after he was released from captivity. Second rape was also kidnapping and stabbing to punish me for telling the first time. I almost died. I blocked the trauma from my memory. My mother tried to get me help but when I became a teenager she called me Slut and told me I would one day remember why. I don’t speak to her anymore. Raped again at 19 while at university. Friends didn’t want to help me because they felt it was only date rape and maybe I just wanted attention. I gained weight to look unattractive so men would leave me alone. I hoped to find a man who would love me for me. Instead I was broken and alone for many years. I lost the weight to get healthy and tried to be conservative with my appearance but only found more abuse. Started… Continue reading »

Over 40 years Ago

I have been raped both by a stranger and on a date, both in my teen years. The stranger was giving me a ride and took a side road out into the woods. I was helpless to fight physically, so I just acted like it was ok and tried to think of how to stay alive. My biggest fear was being left in the woods and no one would find my body. He took me back to town. I was so numb, I didn’t even know what day it was. I asked him to drop me off at the school and it was Saturday. When I went to a doctor’s office, they wouldn’t look me in the eye and just sort of cleaned me up and sent me home. I felt dirty and ashamed. I went to an atty. that told me I should not speak of it, because no one would believe me, and… Continue reading »

My Horrific Nightmare

Three years ago I was raped. I met a man who was a marine and had mutual friends. We hit it off and began dating. After two months he got out of the marine corp and moved back to his home of Reno, NV. Truthfully, I knew he had issues. I had caught him lying..etc. But I was 29 and had issues with relationships so I felt I needed to try and make one work. He wanted me to come visit him in Reno and offered to pay which was unusual (he was very stingy with money). But I went anyway. The first couple days were great. He offered me this drug called bath salt that he bought at a store. It made me super awake for two days…I didn’t have much experience with drugs but I wanted to make him happy. It was the third day that everything changed. I remember him giving me… Continue reading »

Halting The Pain

It’s taken me 30 years to be able to face what happened to me, let alone be open about it. I have spoken about it since about a year or so only with a few people, and the hardest thing to do, and the only reason I do not go public with this, although I know it would be healing and could help others, is that I do not want to hurt my parents, who do not know about it. I don’t want them to suffer the knowledge of this; they are so loving and protective. At 15 I was at party with a boy from high school that I was dating and a friend of mine from high school. I do not remember too many details, as I have only recently recollected the memories that were repressed, due to alcohol and that something was out in my drink to make me pass out. But… Continue reading »

Abuse and Rape

I was sexually abuse by a young man (close to 18) from the time I was 5 until I was 9. Then when I was 16 a man who I considered my big brother raped me. He took me home from a wedding. I had gotten drunk at the wedding. When I got home, I was unable to get the key to work in the lock due to being drunk. As I was fumbling with the key, he reached up under my dress and ripped off my pantyhose. I got him to stop by saying we were too exposed on the front porch. He followed me into the house, pushed me onto the floor and raped me. He called me the next day and said that I should not tell anyone because it would tear apart the family. I believed him and did not tell anyone for close to 40 years. I used to blame… Continue reading »

In Denial of My Rape

When I was fifteen and sixteen, I was in an abusive relationship. He raped me four times, and had me convinced that it wasn’t rape because we were together. He would tell me things like, “I love you so much. I just couldn’t help it.” and “Don’t you love me? This is what people in love do.” after he was done. He also got angry once and shoved me against a door frame afterward because I had “just laid there.” My mother found out about the abuse in November, and made me end the relationship. Even though I realized that I had been abused by him. I was in denial about the rapes until next summer, when I told my family about my boyfriend. I’m very lucky, because they were supportive of me and respected my decision not to report it. Because the state I live in doesn’t offer restraining orders to minors, I had… Continue reading »