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We Live Part of Hell on Earth

I grew up believing that the world is a very dangerous place and i thought that after my first trauma, i would never have to deal with a similar event. When i was 6 years old, my grandfather molested me several times. it may have lasted for about a year or 2. He molested me when we were alone and when the family was together. My family never noticed anything and I never acted as though something was wrong because I did not understand fully what was going on. The first time it happened, i remember playing with this toy that when it was pulled back and released, it would roll really far.. it rolled under the couch where my grandfather was sitting. i went under the couch to get it and with his foot, he was massaging my private parts. as the weeks past, i found myself rolling that toy on purpose to find… Continue reading »

In Korea

I was living in a desolate part of Seoul. It was my second time around. I knew the contract was sketchy, and, admittedly, I pretended I’d never been there before. They told me I was living in a officetel in a building in Dongdaemun. When I arrived, it was a graying stump of a construct, and if I had been new to Korea, I would have left. A gaggle of panicky women arrived with a set of sheets and no idea why I didn’t have a cell phone. This was back before cell phones had affordable international plans. I worked illegally at a daycare. I gave them my papers and they continually assured me they were being processed. One day they sent me to Japan for re-entry and I knew my papers had not been processed. I had no working visa. The chronology is an odd thing. I don’t know when what happened exactly. I… Continue reading »

Afraid of Being Judged

When I was 18 years old I was like a lot of young women-dating, trying out relationships, making mistakes. My biggest mistake was to trust a “friend.”. We had a passionate relationship at the start. We were both college freshman, I had a long-distance boyfriend that wasn’t working out-and we became intimate though never officially boyfriend & girlfriend. He was inexperienced, and fell in love with me very quickly. Looking back, I should have seen many aspects of his behavior for the red flags that they were: he often persisted in pressing me on things when I’d already said no many times. After our first semester, when I went home for Christmas break, and spent time away from him, I had the time to reflect on our relationship. I was no longer comfortable with it. He was in love with me, but I was not in love with him. I had not yet totally broken… Continue reading »

Never a Victim; Only Myself

This is my first time sharing my story publicly. Although my story is like many others, my reactions to it, and my outlook on it, are very unique I believe. The first time I was raped, I was 18 years old. It was a beautiful night in the summer of 1999. My boyfriend was maybe a year or so older than I, but was already a father to a 3 year old from a previous relationship. He was a father, my boyfriend, and also my rapist. I had gone over to his apartment to hang out and just be together. When I got there, my boyfriend was already drinking. Not sure how many beers he had had prior to my arrival, but I thought nothing of it. We were having a conversation in his kitchen when he offered me a beer. I refused, he didn’t push. Everything was fine, just like any other couple we… Continue reading »

My Rape Stories

I was raped by my brother when I was 4 years old on more than one occasion. When I was 13 years old he approached me again in a sexual manner and asked if I would take off my shirt and bra and let him touch my chest, I was home alone and was afraid of what he would do if I refused to my relief his friends came back to my house and he was forced to leave my bedroom, I then asked his friends if they would stay the night because I was worried my brother was disturbed. When I was 16 years old, I found the courage to tell my parents unfortunately they did not believe me. When I turned 19 I moved out of my house and for a few weeks my brother had no place to stay so I let him stay with me in my apartment thinking enough time… Continue reading »

Thank you for being LOUD!

I know it is hard to share this burden, to deal with it again and again, to listen to stories that are triggering of the PTSD and to try to help the whole world and feel overwhelmed. I hope you will give yourself a chance to take a break when needed, but also stay with this movement in the long run. The louder we speak out about what happened, and the more often, the more likely we are to be heard, and to be joined by others. I was molested by my own father for most of my life. He was a very violent man, and I knew I did not own anything in the house I grew up in – not even any part of my own body. I was his property, a slave for him to use in any way he wanted, to force to do things whenever he felt like it, to… Continue reading »

Multiple Times

Raped by a caregiver at 6 years old and then again after he was released from captivity. Second rape was also kidnapping and stabbing to punish me for telling the first time. I almost died. I blocked the trauma from my memory. My mother tried to get me help but when I became a teenager she called me Slut and told me I would one day remember why. I don’t speak to her anymore. Raped again at 19 while at university. Friends didn’t want to help me because they felt it was only date rape and maybe I just wanted attention. I gained weight to look unattractive so men would leave me alone. I hoped to find a man who would love me for me. Instead I was broken and alone for many years. I lost the weight to get healthy and tried to be conservative with my appearance but only found more abuse. Started… Continue reading »

Over 40 years Ago

I have been raped both by a stranger and on a date, both in my teen years. The stranger was giving me a ride and took a side road out into the woods. I was helpless to fight physically, so I just acted like it was ok and tried to think of how to stay alive. My biggest fear was being left in the woods and no one would find my body. He took me back to town. I was so numb, I didn’t even know what day it was. I asked him to drop me off at the school and it was Saturday. When I went to a doctor’s office, they wouldn’t look me in the eye and just sort of cleaned me up and sent me home. I felt dirty and ashamed. I went to an atty. that told me I should not speak of it, because no one would believe me, and… Continue reading »

My Horrific Nightmare

Three years ago I was raped. I met a man who was a marine and had mutual friends. We hit it off and began dating. After two months he got out of the marine corp and moved back to his home of Reno, NV. Truthfully, I knew he had issues. I had caught him lying..etc. But I was 29 and had issues with relationships so I felt I needed to try and make one work. He wanted me to come visit him in Reno and offered to pay which was unusual (he was very stingy with money). But I went anyway. The first couple days were great. He offered me this drug called bath salt that he bought at a store. It made me super awake for two days…I didn’t have much experience with drugs but I wanted to make him happy. It was the third day that everything changed. I remember him giving me… Continue reading »

Halting The Pain

It’s taken me 30 years to be able to face what happened to me, let alone be open about it. I have spoken about it since about a year or so only with a few people, and the hardest thing to do, and the only reason I do not go public with this, although I know it would be healing and could help others, is that I do not want to hurt my parents, who do not know about it. I don’t want them to suffer the knowledge of this; they are so loving and protective. At 15 I was at party with a boy from high school that I was dating and a friend of mine from high school. I do not remember too many details, as I have only recently recollected the memories that were repressed, due to alcohol and that something was out in my drink to make me pass out. But… Continue reading »