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I don’t know who I am

25 years o­ld and hav­e been in ­and out of­ therapy f­or the pas­t 10 years­. I am diagnosed wit­h CPTSD, D­issociativ­e identity­ disorder,­ and sever­e major de­pressive d­isorder wi­th suicida­l tendencies. I grew­ up in a b­roken home­ where my ­mom would ­beat me ev­ery night ­and leave ­me to slee­p on the bathroom fl­oor. My fa­ther was a­n alcoholi­c and left­ when I wa­s only 5 y­ears old. ­Growing up­ I was use­d to havin­g my needs­ ignored a­nd because­ my mom would blame ­me for eve­rything th­at went wr­ong, I dev­eloped an ­extremely ­low sense ­of self-es­teem. I’ve­ never hea­rd “I­ love you” from­ any of my­ parents, ­instead “I wish­ you hadn’­t been bor­n” an­d “yo ­u’re the r­eason we’r­e sufferin­g” an­d “yo­ur dad lef­t because ­you’re the­ devil” were phrases I gr­ew accusto­med to. Be­cause of t­his, I hav­e a very h­ard time maintaining friendships because­ I am conv­inced that­… Continue reading »

Was I Raped?

In January of this year, I was invited to a male friend’s house with a female friend. We were told another one of friends were there, as well. My female friend and I didn’t have plans, so we agreed to go over. We all sat in the tv room of his basement and listened to music and watched some shows. He asked my friend and his friend to leave (as they were sort of a thing, I thought nothing of it). He aggressively tried to force himself on me and I kept fighting. He didn’t stop. I was in pain, but all he wanted was to continue. I know he was aware that I did not want this. He then told us to leave because he had more people coming over. Was I raped? Please help me know what happened to me. I need closure. I don’t know what this was, or what to call… Continue reading »

I Don’t Know, Okay?

His name is Joe, right off the bat. I met him 1 year ago. I met his brother 2 years before that. His brother used to service us as a driver. Really cool guy, used to take me around (I was around 15 at the time), he knew I didn’t have any friends because I was a too-nice kid, so he used to just take me to places I’ve never seen, even introduced me to his sister, his friends. He never did anything to me and treated me like a little sister. And then his job ended (just a summer job). 2 years later I accidentally meet his brother, bar tending a good local bar. I new they had to have been related because they look shockingly similar. So I, 17 and a customer, introduced my self, and told him he looked like someone I knew. We got along from that point on. Joe said… Continue reading »

True View

it was started when i was small child 5 years old. it was my uncle..he used to call me near him as i would go to him bcz i didn’t know what his intention was. then would make sit on his lap and started to touch me were i felt really uncomfortable..then he used to do this everyday…i never told my parents about this as i was afraid…then i was in 6th std i went to my native place were he lives and then also he asked me to come near him in my school we had a campus were they told all childeren about safe touch and unsafe touch then i realized about it and never went near him..he always used to force me to come near him but i never came to him..and now i am 15 …and never went him..and i am still afraid to tell this to my parents. — survivor,… Continue reading »

Online dating

I have been raped three times in my life. Once was with a boyfriend in high school when I was 17. His sexual preferences changed as ours all do, but mine stayed the same and we didn’t like the same things anymore. But that didn’t stop him from getting what he wanted. The second time was when I was 18, I don’t remember anything between meeting a guy friend at the park, to waking up in the bushes with my pants down and blood in between my legs. But when I was 19 in 2015 was the worst one… the one that leaves me lying awake at night and the endless panic attacks was that from a guy I met online. I met him off of Plenty of Fish, and we had already gone out on our first date. Everything went well and he seemed like a really nice guy. So we went out on… Continue reading »

Letter to my offender part 2

Flashback The month before everything happened (October) I got in a fight with a cousin. I was not prepared to fight with her she’s bigger than me so it’s safe to say her five friends and my one had no idea I was going to fight back but I did. Later that day i joined you in the choir room to practice for region and I told you all about it. You told me “i wish I was there I would have stopped it” as you felt the bumps all over my head from her fists hitting me over and over, and then you looked down at me kind of amused “so you really hit her with a piece of wood?” Although you were amazed by this aggression I wasn’t I knew that I was capable of handling myself and took pride in that. What did take me by surprise a month later … a… Continue reading »

Letter to my offender

I used to find humor in talking about myself in third person. Do you remember this about Daleth? It was my usual lame attempt at being different. I found it to be entertaining but when you did it that night I found it horrifying. I laid awake all night remembering your words like a distant echo “come on, let Z*** have fun.” Now every time I hear your name that’s what I remember, that one sentence that started the worst night of my life. –Daleth, age 18

It changed me

It was at my grandparent’s house I was six years old.My own brother did it he was thirteen we where on the couch I was watching sponge bob.I prefer not to talk about what happened it didn’t get too far before my uncle walked in and stopped it.I haven’t seen my brother since I forgive him though. Since then I have panic attacks and P.T.S.D.

I can say it now

My Dad was strict with us girls about sex- If we lost our virginity, we were out on the street. An appeal to Mom just got her to shrug and a reply Don’t. One night my older brother Tim was supposed to stay over at a hot party, but apparently returned home drunk. I awoke to him pulling up my nightshirt, and barely awake I said”Hey, it’s Heather!” but he was already raping me. He mumbled something about his girlfriend”Cleo was already getting laid, so he needed this”, and though I tried but he was too big to push him off, and I was scared to tell. Our little sister Lily woke to watch the scene. When he was done, he said”Thanks” and went to the bathroom to pee, and then to bed. All I could do was console Lily, who was scared. The next morning, after Dad and Mom went to work, Tim just… Continue reading »

Wedding Horror Story

A little over a month ago, I got married. Please do not Congratulate me until you Read. In itself, it was a Year of Stress,Stress,Stress! I was amazed that it went flawlessly, and that should have told me disaster was coming! After all, I had secured a very religious and old fashioned value man, who wished a religious and old fashioned value wife. We had the Ceremony, and most of the Reception, when I went to a rest room to change out of my VERY uncomfortable gown. I had it off, and was topless, as it didn’t allow wearing of a bra, and I think everyone kissing me Good Luck in line got a good look downblouse. I had my huge skirt around my knees. One of my Husband’s close friends from work, softball, and the firehouse, just walked in! I guess I left it unlocked. I fell backwards onto something, which was okay, as… Continue reading »