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A Close Call With Family

This is a poem to my demon Thank you for causing my depression Thank you for attempting to do something I thought would never happen to me Thank you for letting me see how life really is (I now know that I can trust no one) You took a 13 year old, broke her and tore her world apart Caused the darkness to enter her life Put her on a path to self-destruction I hope it still haunts you the way it haunts me I hope that Everytime you look in the mirror you remember what you did I hope you lay awake every night thinking about it I hope you when you look in the mirror you feel a sense of disgust I hope it leads you to the breaking point like it did me I hope, I hope you fall off the edge like I failed to do. There’s lots of things I… Continue reading »

Grandpa

I cant say how old i was when it started for sure. Ive been having nightmares alot lately about it. I have spoken to anyone professionally about it but I am considering it more and more these days. I can remember being really young and him licking my privates. Or taking me in the back bedroom of the trailer when he babysat my older sister and I, he would take me in there and touch me or force me to touch him even tried to penetrate me. He never touched my sister just me. We could have family around and I could feel him staring and if we sat across from each other in the living room he had a way of pulling his privates out where i would see them even if other people were around. We were babysat by him for years and he would come at night too wearing his bikini underwear… Continue reading »

My first boyfriend in the US

It was 2010, and I had just moved from my birth country without a clue about where I was standing. I was hopeful because it was an opportunity that made me think I was blessed. it was my freshmen year in high school, and on my first day at lunch you found out about me, the new Colombian girl in school. you were Colombian too. we connected just because we both thought we had a lot in common. you were two and a half years older than me. God, if I could go back in time I would tell myself to run, tell myself to just say no when you asked me out for a date, or to not go to Laura’s house. I thought it was nice that you were affectionate, I never expected that I would mean you could force me to go into a bathroom in an empty apartment and orally rape… Continue reading »

My Life in Foster Care

No, it’s not the story you Expect. I was not abused in foster care, and there were several group homes run by the same agency, and none of them had a complaint filed in the time I was there. It was the discipline and the perception of how the houses were run that was the issue. I reached the age where dating occurred. My home was strict on curfew, and stricter if you got in trouble while out. If you had an issue outside the house, the solution was not to let you outside. Simple logic if I ever heard it. I was asked out by a boy in another class, and one that I liked a lot! He picked me up on the corner down the street, the common means of hiding where we came from. We did a basketball game, a movie, and a pizza after. Then he drove me home. More like… Continue reading »

You Were My Brother’s Best Friend

You were my brother’s best friend and you took advantage of me. My parents welcomed you into our home, they allowed you to stay the night, they and my brother trusted you. As an eight-year-old girl, I also trusted you. You were five years older than me and I looked up to you. I wanted to believe that the reason why you first began to touch me was because you liked me. You were mature, so I had to learn quickly what it meant to have a boyfriend. You were the reason my second-grade mind thought that I had a boyfriend and to this day, I find that to be the most despicable part of what happened. In class, my peers would ask me, “Who is your boyfriend…” and I would answer, “He is in the eighth grade, sooo shh, do not tell anyone.” To my peers, it was a childish lie I made up… Continue reading »

Breakin Burgler

I had been sitting listening to my headset, and I needed to go to the bathroom. In the hall, I heard some noise, and figured it was my sister sneaking in from a night out. Heading down the hall, I heard it was grunting, and the like. I got to the living room, and I could see an adult male on top of my sister on the floor. The table was pushed out of the way. I could see some of her clothes were thrown around the room, and he was between her bare legs. She was asking him to stop, and when he did, she was crying on the floor. He grabbed a bag and left. I asked her what she was doing? She panicked and told me not to tell Mom and Dad cause she snuck out again, and was on probation. I asked her what she was doing with him. She explained… Continue reading »

My Safe Place

I have three safe places in my life. Home, church, and school. But I’ve dealt with a lot of crap in my life that over time, caused me to lose these safe places. When was 8/9 I was abused horribly by two older foster girls who were staying with my family. They were only with us for a few months but they messed me up pretty badly. Mostly mental abuse that left me terrified all the time. But the physical abuse is why I never told anyone. They threatened to hurt my sister, she was only six at the time and I couldn’t let anything happen to her. My dad happened to come down one day as they were getting ready to do something. He called the police and made a report, but they stayed with us for several more weeks before being moved. Even then one of the sisters was placed down the street… Continue reading »

What happened to me doesn’t have to define who I am

There are so many times I imagine writing #MeToo on my social media, but I can’t. If my secret came out, it would destroy my family. My Mum would be devastated, and I know she’d blame herself for not noticing. She would feel that she’d failed as a mother, because I didn’t trust her enough to speak out. My Dad wouldn’t understand. He wouldn’t believe me, or worse, he’d just tell me to get over it, because it’s not that bad. My brother? He already knows, because he did it. I haven’t told my younger sibling, because I’m trying to protect him. In my family, no one taught me about sexual abuse, what it is and what you do if it happens. (My brother basically taught me about sex) I thought that sexual abuse was just rape. And rape was something that happened if you walked home alone in the dark. So long as you… Continue reading »

I am a different me

After watching the Simone Biles Movie and seeing the #metoo movement all over I feel it is time to put this out there… I feel like a great disaster. I am so proud of myself for the things I have battled through. On a daily basis I go through cycles of loving myself and insecurities and I go through being happy and sad and mad and crying. I seem to go through emotions faster than most people and I get anxious extremely easy. I sometimes go off the deep end trying to protect myself from my feelings. The way I experience things is different. I’m positive yet when something negative happens I have close to no control over how heavily the bad outweighs all the good. I feel attacked by the little things and even greater by the big things. I haven’t always been like this though. I became a significantly different person at the… Continue reading »

The year that changed me

I had my first kiss and lost my virginity at 19, I was also raped that same year. I wish I could say that my first time was with someone special, someone I genuinely trusted and cared about but that would be a lie. The truth is that I only agreed to sleep with him in fear that if I said no it wouldn’t go over well, that my ‘no’ wouldn’t be heard. That is something I never wanted to tell anyone, I think it was because I was embarrassed… Embarrassed that I was scared, embarrassed that I was dumb enough to even let someone like that into my house and into my life. After that sex had no appeal, I was self conscious after being somewhat verbally abused and belittled by this man and couldn’t think of a situation where sex would actually be enjoyable. My second time was only worse. My second time… Continue reading »