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Dead Inside

I was just a little girl all three of you knew what you were doing was wrong but you didn’t even care i started to blame myself for letting it happen for all those years because i thought by letting it happen to me i was protecting others but that wasn’t the case…you made me hate myself i have very low self-esteem and my mental health issues are destroying me because of you i hate looking into the mirror because of you I’d rather cut myself than acknowledge the pain i feel inside you ruined me. — survivor, age 14

Raped in Foster care

My name is Tobi, and I’m a rape victim. That being the said, I will only discuss how child protection services failed to keep me or my daughter safe in the care of child services in Stone County, Wiggins Mississippi. The address at the time was 718 Newton Street Wiggins Mississippi, 39577. The Judge and child services willingly knew and ignored my pleas for help. Leaving me broken and permanently scarred to this day, with no trust for anyone. Not only did they fail me, they failed my daughter whom was a result of a rape that occurred when I was 15, by a man in his 40’s. His girlfriend at the time said she looked past things he did to give him the benefit of doubt, and that he was a good person. It also happened at her house. I was asleep and woke to him getting from on top of me. It was… Continue reading »

To protect and serve

As a police officer he had taken an oath to Honor the uniform and badge worn by many; and, to Protect and Serve the citizens of the metropolitan city with whom he swore this oath to protect and serve. As a Deacon with a mega-church, also assigned as its’ Inner-city Youth Bus Minister, he collected donations made to the church as offerings; and, he ensured several school buses filled with young children attended the church regularly. He additionally moonlighted as the Director of Security with an acclaimed international chain of hotels locally; and, he sold homes as a licensed realtor. Other professional endeavors he was engaged in when living are as a radio personality keeping listeners informed by helicopter of rush hour traffic conditions; and then prior to my knowing him, he was a US Navy Seaman. At home he was nothing more and nothing less than pure evil. I was in kindergarten the first… Continue reading »

Feelings After I was Raped 20 plus years

I am always screaming inside. What is Normal. I forgot who I was before I was raped. What is it like to be Happy. I never really sleep. I am always mad. Not a day goes by that I don’t think about my Rapist(s). Why I never told anyone. I am Embarressed. I am Ashamed. I am so stupid. I let it happen. Believe me. Don’t believe me. I never really Smile. I don’t know what love really is. I am numb. Trust. Sitting in the Shower. Crying with No Sound. Who am I really. I Never want to Leave my house. Nobody knows. Everybody knows. Worse. Hurt. Pain. Sorrow. I want to die everyday. I want to live. Don’t touch me. Touch me. Where is my Laugh. I am weak. Bury my head im my pillow every night. I want to be left alone. Don’t leave me alone. Breathe. I want to forget. I… Continue reading »

Extremely Terrified

So, I don’t know if this will help but I was thinking I should give this writing thing a try because… well I just don’t know what else to do. To start, I do have a great therapist… she has been so good and supportive of me… but the thing is… well… I’ll just share some of my story and go from there. So I am 35 now, I was sexually raped and molested by my father and 4 other members of my family from the time I was 4 years old until I was 11 years old. At 11, I became pregnant with my fathers child and was sent to live with my mother who I never know because she left me at 18 months. I had the baby and she was given up for adoption by the DCF agency that took us from my birth mother when I was 12. Two years ago… Continue reading »

I don’t Know, but I Know

We gathered on a Saturday at my BFFs pool. It went from 4 of us to a couple of dozen! I had some beers, not a lot really, but I fell asleep on a deck chair. I woke up in someone’s room. I was still in my swimsuit, but my shirt was gone. I had wet myself, and felt basically nasty. I had to go to the bathroom, and then washed my suit and myself. I found my shirt on the downstairs banister railing, and got some food. No one said anything as I rejoined, so I just felt I got away with it. It was when they posted to social, that I felt funnier about it. Among all the pics, they had a couple of my BFFs brother, in a Viking helmet, picking me up in his arms. He carried me off, throwing me over his shoulder to get through the door. It was… Continue reading »

Too many to stop it

I was walking home, and a group of a girl and 3 guys started making fun of my cloak/coat. I tried to walk away, but they chased me. They chased me into an abandoned building. They knocked me down, and the girl put her knee in my throat, and held my hands. I then felt my underwear being removed. I was raped by each of the boys, while the girl laughed in my face. I told a couple of close friends, who advised to laugh it off as “only a F___”, but I increasingly found I couldn’t. I discovered by home test that they got me pregnant. I went for options counseling. After another night waking to strong nightmares, I decided on suicide. I awoke in the hospital, and had miscarried. It was eventually determined that my problems were behind me, and I was released. Still unable to escape my own mind, even with drink… Continue reading »

My Story

“Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter” – Martin Luther King I don’t really know where to start, but I know that I am ready. Ready to finally have a voice. Ready to finally get this burden off of my chest and release it in to a world where it will be amongst millions of stories. Finally, my story will be out there and finally, my words will matter to someone, somewhere who needs that tiny speck of courage to speak up. This is my story. My story starts freshman year. 9th grade. Year 10. I didn’t know much about you, I had never really spoke to you. You was just one face amongst many others in that school. We shared one class together. I will always remember walking in to that science classroom to see your face. Your eyes on me. Having to sit next to you… Continue reading »

Males can be victims too

I’m a male in the north east of England. It’s difficult to talk about but I was raped. I’ve waited over 3 years to finally admit that to myself. Since I am a male, many people dismissed me. The first person I told was my sister who helped me get into contact with the police but they wouldn’t assist me, simply exclaiming males cannot be raped. That means the person (I’ll refer to her as Kayleigh) still has served no justice to this day. It makes me feel angry and alone most days. I try and put it behind me as much as I can but it’s difficult. I was 14 at the time and she was 19 going on 20. I tried the best I could to stop it but I was much younger and we were at Leeds University at the time, a place I was unfamiliar with, so I couldn’t reach out… Continue reading »

More Witness than I Care to Live with

My name is Katherine, and my sex ed started when I went to a playground after a softball game. I was 9, and a man joined me. He intimidated me into masturbating him. I only had my mother and 2 sisters with my father out of the house, so I had no knowledge of male physiology. After the surprise ending, he gave me a box of cookies. I knew what I did was dirty, but didn’t know how to articulate it. In junior high, I was invited to a friend’s party. During the party, I got lost looking for the bathroom, and opened a bedroom door, where another friend was pinned on the bed by an older boy. She was repeating the stop, let me go, no, etc without stop, as was he continuing. I was in shock, and almost peed myself! no one every teaches you what to do if you see this, and… Continue reading »