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I want to Call it what it IS!

I am a Business Major at a prestigious University in Eastern Pennsylvania. I do drink, not usually too heavy, and only on the weekend. This weekend, I had a mixed drink that was stronger than it seemed. I went over my, I thought, friend’s apartment, and had a beer to get the taste out of my mouth. I collapsed on the couch, unfortunately, I didn’t pass out. He took my clothes off. As he did, I couldn’t stand up, and all I could think of was say “NO” over and over. He did not “Take Advantage” That sounds like a foxy business deal! “Against my Will” sounds like I was Waffling. Did he Talk me Into it? It was Rape. He Raped me, because I was too drunk to resist. Not only did I not Consent, he Raped me while I said NO. He held me down the whole time and Raped me. He listened… Continue reading »

I can’t keep quiet anymore

I can’t keep quiet any longer. I feel proud that as a community of empowered and insanely badass women, we are finally taking that leap of courage and speaking out against an act that we should have never feared. At the time, one doesn’t see it as an assault or harassment because it’s just the way it’s always been. Men have been brought up to do and say whatever they please and as women, we have bitten our tongues to not “act out.” I was 14 and he was probably in his early 40s. He was and is my uncle. Growing up in such a toxic environment as my father’s family has proven to be, it’s really simple and easy to just regard anything that occurred in that family as “normal.” PTSD is a real thing when it comes to these extreme acts and at the time, you really don’t know how to react to… Continue reading »

I can’t remember if I said yes or no

I feel really embarrassed posting this, because this story is different than a lot of stories on here. But I had been going on dates with this guy and staying at his parents house and solely just falling asleep together, nothing sexual. I told him I only sleep with someone if I am in a relationship with them NUMEROUS times, and he seemed to be ok with it. I had never really partied heavily before and one night we went to a party together and I got extremely “browned” out (where you black out but sometimes come back to a conscious state), he started to get really mad that his friends liked me and were talking to me all night, so he took us back to his house even though I said I wanted to go home. I remember us kissing, which wasn’t a big deal, but I laid my head on the pillow and… Continue reading »

3rd Grade Boys

I was in the third grade when a classmate ran up behind me, put his hand down the front of my shirt and squeezed my chest and shoulders and yelled, “Nice shoulders BABE!” I yelled at him to stop, but he and his friend had already ran off, giggling as if they had just egged someone’s house. My 8 year old mind couldn’t process what had just happened. I just stood there and hung my head. like a scolded puppy. I felt dirty, embarrassed, and confused. I wondered if I was supposed to feel this way or if it was just another “boys will be boys” incident? A few days later, I decided that I *really* wanted that punk to get in trouble for what he did. I didn’t care anymore if it was typical for a boy to squeeze a girls (non-existent) boobs and shoulders. I wanted revenge! So, I did what most kids… Continue reading »

Denial

On October 29 2016 I was raped after a Halloween party. I had gone back a dorm with my friend and the guy she had been seeing, I was very intoxicated at the time. I stupidly had a threesome with my friend and the guy. After a little while my friend had gone into the main area for some reason, I can’t remember why, I walked in on them making out in the room, I told my friend that Mark*, the guy she was talking to, wanted her to come back to his room, she went back into the room and when I tried to leave his suitemate, I think his name was Brett*, grabbed me and started to kiss me. I remember trying to leave to but sense I had just had sex with Mark and was intoxicated, I had not put clothes back on when I went to find her. He took advantage… Continue reading »

Was it Really Rape

I still hear the little voice in my head questioning it. He was a good guy and just as drunk as I was. He probably didn’t notice that I blacked out. I was angry. He apologized. It’s ok. I’m just as much to blame. We were in college. We dated. I broke up with him. He just wanted to get back together. I broke his heart. I was the asshole. We’re still friends. That’s so cool. It wasn’t a big deal. It was a mistake. I got an abortion. I made him pay for it. That was payback. That was fucked up of me. I’m a terrible person. It’s my fault. I should have left early. I should’ve brought a friend. I should not have drank so much. I was so stupid. I should have said no before blacking out. Did I want to? I don’t think so, but maybe I did. I can’t remember…. Continue reading »

Me too…

#metoo It had been 5 years since it had happened. 3 years after it happened I thought about it. I realized what happened to me. I thought I was just a dumb 18 year old girl, I thought it was okay because I was drinking, I thought it was okay because I was wearing short shorts, I thought it was okay because he was my friend, I thought it was okay because I was pretty, I thought it was okay because he was good looking… maybe I should have taken it as a compliment? What happened to me was as scary as it was real. It was invasive and it was scarring. I cried, and I stayed quiet. I don’t talk about it because I wasn’t brutally raped. A man didn’t attack me and hold me down. A man didn’t rip my clothes off and take me. But he could have. Instead he chose to… Continue reading »

“Me too” On Facebook

Recently, there’s been a lot of people posting “me too” on social media. That statement is supposed to show others they’re not alone and reveal to the word the size of this epidemic. I can’t help but feel more alone each and every time I see a “me too” status. I feel like I already knew how bad this was. I bet there’s not a girl out there who can truthfully say they’ve never experienced some sort of sexual misconduct. I feel like posting a “me too” status is supposed to make you feel better or stronger or more helpful or supportive or… anything other than the nasty feeling it gives me every time I think about it. If I posted me to…. All three of them would see it. My ex boyfriend who started dating me when I was 14 when he was 17, the one who abused me physically and mentally for three… Continue reading »

A Lifetime of #MeToo – How Sexual Abuse Changed Me

I was eleven when I lost my virginity. It happened under an old pine tree in an overgrown backyard of an old lady’s house a block away from my childhood home. The boys were older. They were rough and cruel. They laughed the whole time like it was some hysterical joke I didn’t understand. Perhaps they thought I was the punchline. It killed my innocence and woke a nightmare that has been chasing me ever since. When I was thirteen, it began happening regularly. This time it was my brother’s friends. The first time my brother told me that one of his friends wanted to be with me, I said no. I didn’t want to do it. My brother, almost 5 years older than me and over twice my weight, changed my mind with his fists. It was easier to let it happen whenever they wanted than to get beaten. It was always easier to… Continue reading »

“You were lucky”

In my high school, it was a tradition to rent a beachhouse for “senior week” before officially graduating from high school. Many of the high schools in the area did the same thing, which meant the whole small beach town was filled with seniors. One evening, my girlfriends and I went to a party at a beach house belonging to some guy friends of ours. Two of our guy friends, who I had known all of high school, asked if I wanted to walk to get beer from their other house, which was a block away. It was a nice night, and I walked with them as we talked and joked around. When we got to the house, they asked if I wanted to go inside. I said I would wait as they got the case of beer and then we could walk back. They became very insistent, putting their arms around me. One of… Continue reading »