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הטרידו אותי

היי לינור קודם כל אני חייבת להגיד שראיתי את הסרט שלך אולי מאות פעמים וכל פעם אני מתרגשת מחדש. אני בת 13 ולפני כמה ימים הטרידו אותי וזה לא יוצא לי מהראש זה הלך ככה הלכתי עם חברה שלי לקניון ואז איש מבוגר פנה אלי ואמר לי שיש לי יופי מדהים ואם אני יכולה לדבר איתו רגע בהתחלה אמרתי לא ואז חברה שלי הלכה לצד. הוא אמר לי שי לי גוף מדהים ושגבר מסתכל עליי דבר ראשון שהוא שם לב אליו זה התחת שלי ושאני צריכה לשמור עליו אמרתי אוקי תודה והסתובבתי ואז הוא נגע לי בתחת ומשך אותי אחורה והיה לי מזל שהמוכרת ראתה את זה ואני לא יכולה להתמודד עם זה אני מרגישה מושפלת ומבוישת כאילו הנשמה שלי ריקה וכל פעם שבאים לחבק אותי אני נלחצת. אני ישמח אם נדבר תודה רבה

Babysitters

My husband was sexual abused by his babysitter and her boyfriend in 1971, he was 4 years old. His mother, a divorcee, had a list of sitters she used. She worked odd hours and partied a lot. It just so happens that the list of sitters, their boyfriends and male/female peers ran in the same social circle. In time, the sitter and her boyfriend let on to the others and soon, they all were “taking turns”. The abuse included: Fondling; Molestation; Oral; Ingestion or “clean-up of ejaculates; Sodomy; Exhibitionism; Voyeurism; Forced submission; Forced reciprocation, etc… The abuse stopped in 1979, as he was old enough to stay home by himself. This took place in the rural Midwest. No one ever questioned or suspected and he never told. His abusers lived within a 1-mile radius of his childhood home and attended the local high school. 2 of the sitters, their boyfriends and families, lived on my… Continue reading »

A Picture

January, 2002- August, 2009, I tended bar at night. The establishment was a 3 minute drive, to-and-fro. In late August of 2009, I became a first-time homebuyer and moved to an adorable subdivision approximately 45 minutes away and returned to college, life was really great. July, 2011, I received a series “flirtatious” text messages from an anonymous source/sender. After the initial text, I replied, “Sorry, wrong number.” As the messages increased in their vulgarity for a period of 3 hours, I never replied and ultimately turned off my phone. I awoke the next morning and decided it would be wise to change my number and proceeded to turn on my phone. My home-screen displayed 2 new/unread text messages… -The first: “Ha! Why are you so shy?” -The second: A digital photograph of me, passed out/comatose and nude. A man was clearly penetrating me, while 4 others watched/waited with eager smiles and penises in hand. It’s… Continue reading »

Happy Survivor

I am 14 years old and was raped over a year ago. It happened about 4-5 times my rapist was my step cousin. When everyone was asleep he would sneak into my room. Seven months is how long I had kept it inside for with out telling anyone until one day I told my mother and it escalated from there on. I used to cut myself, and tried suicide many time. I used to feel like I didn’t belong, like I shouldn’t be alive. If you’re feeling like that please don’t. There’s always hope. I know what you’re going through. I’ve been through it and I go through it everyday. I cry myself to sleep a lot and have nightmares. It was worse until I tried suicide and they put me on medication for depression and PTSD. I had took the medication for about two months and then stopped because it made me fill sad…. Continue reading »

Aftermath

I feel that I should be over the trauma, or the distress of being raped so many years ago. However, at times, 1987 seems like yesterday to me and reliving that day happens more often than I care to share. I lived in a very friendly, unpopulated and isolated part of the world. I owned a business and was returning from a day of purchasing for the store. There was a young man parked on the side of the highway with the hood of the truck open as though he was having vehicle trouble. I stopped to help and offered him a ride to the next telephone down the road. He got in my van and we drove down the road. At one point I noticed that he was moving strangely in his seat and the next thing I felt was a stab to my hand on the steering wheel. He had a small knife… Continue reading »

Repressed Memory

I feel like an impostor, like I might not even deserve this space, but I don’t know. I don’t remember anything but tiny bits from my childhood. Part of that is because the divorce from age 9-11 was so central to my life, partly because I think I have repressed so much of what happened in my life before my parents divorced. My mom was found negligent after abusing me (though my sisters say I deserved it) and my dad’s sister says that my mother’s step-father made her feel awkward when he held us as toddlers. I know I’ve repressed memories of abuse…shoes being thrown at me. But what if the boy on the bus, whose grandfather knew my grandmother, was right? What if we DID have sex when we were just 6 or 7, as he told all our our middle school peers. His nasty grandpa was trying to court my grandma, or was… Continue reading »

One Morning

My friend introduced me to this guy. I knew him by sight, and he knew me. After a couple of dates he told me he had loved me from a distance for a long time. Our relationship wasn’t sexual, until one morning. Even though my instincts were telling me to go home, I stayed over at his house. We watched a crappy movie and fell asleep. I woke up to movement in the bed next to me. He had woken up and in one movement rolled towards me and on top of me. Any move I made seemed to make it easier for him and shortly after he rolled off me, saying, “I can’t help it, that’s what you make me want to do.” I was in shock. I didn’t talk or dress provocatively and he seemed to have a gentle and honest nature. We didn’t talk about it and I didn’t talk about it… Continue reading »

Babysitter

He was a babysitter. I was 4 or maybe 5. He masturbated and ejaculated in front of me. I remember touching the ejaculate and asking what that was. Thank god I don’t remember anymore.

Respect Our Elders

Growing up in Hawaii, we were taught to call our elders “Auntie” or “Uncle” if they were a friend of the family. I was about 8 or 9 years old and I remember being at my grandfathers house on a school day. I stayed home from school for some reason and stayed at my grandfathers house. I only recall my grandfather and two uncles were home at that time. One of them was my grandfather’s brother and the other one was my grandmother’s friend. The one uncle (who was my grandmothers friend) called me into the bathroom. I remember questioning myself, “Why?” (My grandfather and the other uncle were outside on the front porch.) I was nervous and didn’t want to listen. He insisted and being so naive and very confused, I listened because I didn’t want to get into trouble. I remember he took out his private and started rubbing it on me and… Continue reading »

Ashamed

Four years ago, my ex partner had raped me. I remember everything like it was yesterday. He lives on an island, and to get there you would have to take a boat, and his dad worked on the boat. My nightmares would always either be me stuck on the island or missing the boat back. Some of them would be his dad yelling at me, and drowning me. Every time I wake up I feel so afraid. My current partner doesn’t understand why I sometimes can’t sleep. We were watching a movie, and I had got up to take a shower. When I got back he was laying on his back on the couch touching himself. I told him I wasn’t in the mood and I sat down, only in a t-shirt and a pair of underwear. It was so easy for him to abuse me. I remember fighting, and pushing away, but it just… Continue reading »