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I feel that I should be over the trauma, or the distress of being raped so many years ago. However, at times, 1987 seems like yesterday to me and reliving that day happens more often than I care to share. I lived in a very friendly, unpopulated and isolated part of the world. I owned a business and was returning from a day of purchasing for the store. There was a young man parked on the side of the highway with the hood of the truck open as though he was having vehicle trouble. I stopped to help and offered him a ride to the next telephone down the road. He got in my van and we drove down the road. At one point I noticed that he was moving strangely in his seat and the next thing I felt was a stab to my hand on the steering wheel. He had a small knife… Continue reading »

Repressed Memory

I feel like an impostor, like I might not even deserve this space, but I don’t know. I don’t remember anything but tiny bits from my childhood. Part of that is because the divorce from age 9-11 was so central to my life, partly because I think I have repressed so much of what happened in my life before my parents divorced. My mom was found negligent after abusing me (though my sisters say I deserved it) and my dad’s sister says that my mother’s step-father made her feel awkward when he held us as toddlers. I know I’ve repressed memories of abuse…shoes being thrown at me. But what if the boy on the bus, whose grandfather knew my grandmother, was right? What if we DID have sex when we were just 6 or 7, as he told all our our middle school peers. His nasty grandpa was trying to court my grandma, or was… Continue reading »

One Morning

My friend introduced me to this guy. I knew him by sight, and he knew me. After a couple of dates he told me he had loved me from a distance for a long time. Our relationship wasn’t sexual, until one morning. Even though my instincts were telling me to go home, I stayed over at his house. We watched a crappy movie and fell asleep. I woke up to movement in the bed next to me. He had woken up and in one movement rolled towards me and on top of me. Any move I made seemed to make it easier for him and shortly after he rolled off me, saying, “I can’t help it, that’s what you make me want to do.” I was in shock. I didn’t talk or dress provocatively and he seemed to have a gentle and honest nature. We didn’t talk about it and I didn’t talk about it… Continue reading »


He was a babysitter. I was 4 or maybe 5. He masturbated and ejaculated in front of me. I remember touching the ejaculate and asking what that was. Thank god I don’t remember anymore.

Respect Our Elders

Growing up in Hawaii, we were taught to call our elders “Auntie” or “Uncle” if they were a friend of the family. I was about 8 or 9 years old and I remember being at my grandfathers house on a school day. I stayed home from school for some reason and stayed at my grandfathers house. I only recall my grandfather and two uncles were home at that time. One of them was my grandfather’s brother and the other one was my grandmother’s friend. The one uncle (who was my grandmothers friend) called me into the bathroom. I remember questioning myself, “Why?” (My grandfather and the other uncle were outside on the front porch.) I was nervous and didn’t want to listen. He insisted and being so naive and very confused, I listened because I didn’t want to get into trouble. I remember he took out his private and started rubbing it on me and… Continue reading »


Four years ago, my ex partner had raped me. I remember everything like it was yesterday. He lives on an island, and to get there you would have to take a boat, and his dad worked on the boat. My nightmares would always either be me stuck on the island or missing the boat back. Some of them would be his dad yelling at me, and drowning me. Every time I wake up I feel so afraid. My current partner doesn’t understand why I sometimes can’t sleep. We were watching a movie, and I had got up to take a shower. When I got back he was laying on his back on the couch touching himself. I told him I wasn’t in the mood and I sat down, only in a t-shirt and a pair of underwear. It was so easy for him to abuse me. I remember fighting, and pushing away, but it just… Continue reading »

Almost Raped

I dated him about 5 years and then one day I took him home and we sat in my car and he out of the blue said, “I have been thinking about taking you down and having my way with you”. I was stunned, and said, “you know they call that rape’. He said, “yeah, I know.” This weighs heavy on my mind and heart all the time…and I just can’t shake it… He even hit me a few times, but praise the Lord he never raped me.

In the Hospital

I was a medical student, and he was a resident in a surgical specialty. We were dating, and he had been respectful of my boundaries. As a Catholic, I intended to remain a virgin until I was married. We were both on call at the same hospital, and there weren’t enough beds for all of the medical students that night. So he offered to give me access to a resident call room so that I could rest. He met me there, and raped me. Because he took my virginity, I stayed with him for 2 years, thinking that if he married me, it would erase the shame. He also gave me herpes. He knew he had it, and didn’t bother to use a condom to even try to protect me. As a resident at the same hospital years later, I had to sleep in a call room 3 doors away from where I was raped…. Continue reading »

ללינור היקרה

היי לינור, קוראים לי אוריאן אני בת 16 מתל אביב. אני כותבת לך מכתב זה כי אני מעריכה אותך ורואה בך מודל לחיקוי. האומץ שבך,האסרטיביות,הכוח רצון,החוזק שיש בך נותנים לי כוח ורצון להמשיך הלאה. את אישה מדהימה ליונר, את לקחת את הכוח שיש לך לדברים טובים,לעזרה לזולת,ואני מתכוונת לכך שכשזכית בתואר מיס עולם יכלת למנף את עצמך למקומות אדירים ואת לקחת את הכוח שלך והחלטת שאת עוזרת לכל אותן הנערות שגם עברו מקרי אונס,את עזרת ועוזרת לכל כך הרבה בנות ושינית את העולם. אני רואה בך כמודל לחיקוי ורוצה להגיד לך תודה על מה שאת עושה.

Undertones Throughout My Life

I was groomed as a child. A man rang my house phone and told me that he knew my mother. For talking to him and doing what he told me, my mum would get loads of money. I can’t remember exactly how I old I was, I think I was about 6 or 7. I remember thinking that money was good because my parents worked so hard all day, so if I could contribute and get them some extra money maybe they wouldn’t have to work so hard and they would be happier and i could see them more. He asked me to tell him what color my underwear was, to touch myself and tell him what it felt like. It didn’t feel good and I thought what I was doing was wrong but I also was scared to tell my family. He rang me several more times. Breaking point came when he told me… Continue reading »