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Because of You

Because of you, I lost who I was. I lost everything that made me feel who I am as a person. You made me feel ashamed, scared, and disgusted all at the same time. You made me feel ashamed and disgusted because you have made me blame myself for what happened. Blaming myself for actions that I had no control over, blaming myself even though I said no, blaming myself for thinking it was my fault. When it wasn’t my fault. I’m not in control of anyone’s actions except my own. I shouldn’t have blamed myself for actions you committed. I now realize that it’s not my fault. I’ve spent weeks pondering how a person can do what you did and have no remorse. How a person like you could not care what your actions were. That your actions affect other people besides yourself. Because of you, I lost all my courage. I lost my… Continue reading »

Molested as a Child

I was very young at the time. Not for sure exactly but I was younger than 9. My babysitter left her son to watch me really quick while she ran an errand. I asked him for a snack and he told me to sit on top of him and he would give me one. I had to take of my pants and underwear so he could touch me down there. I believe this happened twice as far as I can remember. We were then caught….. well at least I was. He blamed me for coming out of the bathroom without my pants on and I got sat in a corner. I remember crying and trying to tell my babysitter what happened but her son won. My mom asked me what happened later that day but I told her nothing happened. I didn’t know it was bad since I was a child and didn’t know any… Continue reading »

Sexual Abuse in a Relationship

I’ve never told a single soul about the things that happened to me, while I was in this relationship. I’m not sure exactly why I’ve just randomly decided to share this, but maybe someone who was going through similar things as I was will read this and realize they are not alone. You can be in a relationship and still be sexually abused, despite the fact that you are with the person. I was in a very toxic relationship, for many reasons, this being one of them. It started out slowly. The guy I was with would get very aggressive and on more than one occasion he would force himself on me. Try to hold me down, he didn’t care how rough he was being. And I always had told him no, that I didn’t want to do anything, to get off. He never listened, he just kept going. I tried getting him to stop,… Continue reading »

These Men are More Protected Than We Are

I can’t tell names. I can’t publicly announce who they were because they’re protected by a law that says I could be sued for defamation. This makes me so angry! I was the one that was harassed, manipulated, attacked. And yet every one of them walks free. These men. Many men. As young as I can remember, it was my brother. My mother swept it under the carpet and I was never allowed to speak up. We pretended he never. He got away with it. Then there was my step father’s friend. I was only a pre-teen. He was an older Hungarian man. Then my horse back riding teacher and friend. I was 15. He was 35. I got pregnant. My mother called me a little slut and took me to have an abortion. I can still hear the beating heart. My mother is still friends with this man. I worked at a cellphone company…. Continue reading »

A Year After

My journal entry on April 18, 2017 -About a year after submitting my “first story” on this site I just made a beautiful, clean cut, with a blade I took from my Mom’s drawer, right below the most prominent, bulging stretch mark on my right hip. I did it to remember the pain I have gone through in the last 24 hours. Last year, just around this time, I was raped. I spent months thinking it was my fault for being that drunk. Before that, I struggled with an eating disorder, triggered by the self loathe I had for myself after being repeatedly dumped or denied, and not feeling good enough. Things got better. I took a year off to study abroad in Spain, trying to find myself. The first semester was great, I only binged and purged a few times a month, but this came with from lots of stress with school and being… Continue reading »

Heart broken

I was 16 years old at the time and the boyfriend that I was with for a year had just told me he lost feelings. My best friend, her boyfriend and his friends always had “bros nights”. I was invited by my best friends boyfriend so he picked me up at my house around 2 am. I had to sneak out my parents would never let me go out that late. So I got in his car and was wondering where everyone else is. He told me he wanted to talk to me about something. He drove out to the beach and we walked on the dock. When we got to the end he dared me to go skinny dipping and that’s when I knew something was wrong. So I started walking back to the car my excuse was that I was cold. So I got in the car and he started touching me inappropriately…. Continue reading »

Sexual Assault

I have two different stories I want to share. The first has to do with my freshman year in college. Just two months in. I wasn’t looking for a relationship, I wasn’t looking for anything. But this guy really liked me, and eventually I began to like him back. I fell for him, and it was a huge mistake. One night, he asked to come to my room. When he got to my room, he kept making subtle hints to kiss me. He kept saying he wanted it so much and kept making things up to let him kiss me. I really didn’t want to, I had never kissed anyone before in my life. I continued to be hesitant and thought he’d figure it out. Eventually, while sitting on my bed, he kissed me. He said that I didn’t know guys hormones and how bad he wanted it. I was so scared and I didn’t… Continue reading »

MS13

Until this happened, I had been a divorced, middle class special education teacher and mother. Nothing exciting. I had worked with students in gangs but had never even heard of MS13. R stripped me of my identity, I was apologizing, working on being more submissive, trying harder to please him, trying to avoid “trouble.” My ex husband knew something was wrong and was working with his parole officer. No contact orders were put in place between him and me and him and my daughter. They are in place now as part of his release from prison, but I made sure he knows I didn’t ask for them. I have been treated for PTSD and symptoms of Stockholm syndrome along with my depression. I have sought treatment multiple times inpatient, 4 times partial patient and intensive out patient, personal therapy, psychiatrist, medication, PTSD program daily for about 5 or 6 months, some meditation and aromatherapy, breathing… Continue reading »

Fear Became a Part of My Life

When I was 9 years old I was sexually abused by the man who was my grandma’s husband (but he wasn’t exactly my grandfather). I remember it perfectly. It was at night. My grandma was in the bathroom. And it all happened in just a couple of minutes. At first he was tickling me and I was laughing…but then it happened. He put his hand inside my PJs and started touching me. I knew it was wrong. And I hated it. I still remember his exact words: “Let’s keep this beautiful secret.” And I nodded. Just to play along for my own safety. But I felt so filthy. So disgusted by this whole act. And I wasn’t going to keep quiet. I was terrified. So I waited ’till he fell asleep and since he, my grandma and I were sharing a bed, I told her. She was shocked and told me to wait until the… Continue reading »

Freshman Year

I go to a small college in the northeast, and my freshman year I was at a party at one of the sports team houses. It was only October, and I had a group of friends at school and all, but there was also a kid from my high school that went there as well. We were pretty friendly, we studied for a midterm together a couple weeks earlier, and I ran into him at the party. We we’re talking and whatnot, but I was pretty tired and had to be up early the next day for a meeting. He lived in the same building as me, just 1 floor directly below, and offered to walk me back. When we got to the dorm, he asked if I wanted to hang out and I told him i should really get to bed. He insisted I come inside and chill for like “10 minutes” so I… Continue reading »