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The Monster With The Pretty Smile

I was in grade nine when I lost something that can never be returned. I just want to make it clear that I do not want anyone’s pity, or empathy. I don’t want people to say “that poor girl how could someone do something like that to her?” What’s done is done. I’m now 17 years old. Grade nine was supposed to be a fresh start for me. I moved to a small town with my mother and brother. Everything was going good. I had many friends and I even found a boyfriend. He was kind and caring. He always put me first. He was also a quarterback on the high school’s football team. For once in my life I thought everything was falling into place. We had been dating for about a month. During that month I noticed that he started to change. He got really demanding and he hit me. He always threatened… Continue reading »

I Was 20

I was 20, he is a very wealthy man, I still see him often times, he didn’t rape me he sexually assaulted me, I said NO! he didn’t care, he showered me afterward, I wish I could punish him, I wish I could forgive him, I also wish I could stop him from ever doing it again. I WISH. I tried to commit suicide a few months ago even though I happened two years ago, and even though there was no penetration, Im afraid often times, and others im mad, and I feel helpless, only my parents and sister know. I had a few drinks, I was drinking, why didn’t I fight, why did I freeze?!  

Afraid of Being Judged

When I was 18 years old I was like a lot of young women-dating, trying out relationships, making mistakes. My biggest mistake was to trust a “friend.”. We had a passionate relationship at the start. We were both college freshman, I had a long-distance boyfriend that wasn’t working out-and we became intimate though never officially boyfriend & girlfriend. He was inexperienced, and fell in love with me very quickly. Looking back, I should have seen many aspects of his behavior for the red flags that they were: he often persisted in pressing me on things when I’d already said no many times. After our first semester, when I went home for Christmas break, and spent time away from him, I had the time to reflect on our relationship. I was no longer comfortable with it. He was in love with me, but I was not in love with him. I had not yet totally broken… Continue reading »

My Best Friend

When I was 15 my best friend was kidnapped and rapped by multiple men. I got a phone call from the police at my Moms home and we were asked multiple questions. My best friend had been kidnapped, walking down the street in Palmdale, Cal. She was with a 15 year old friend, a boy. It was at 415 PM. They were both pushed against a wall and blindfolded, with knives to their throats. They told him to walk or they would both die, which he did. She was taken in a car with multiple men and they had her all night. I remember helicopters flying around, police driving around, multiple phone calls to her Mom and the police. Did she have enemies? No. Did she get in a fight at school? No. This was in 1984, before the Amber alerts, before cell phones. I cried all night, praying, thinking I will never see my… Continue reading »

I Was Manipulated

3 weeks before I left my first year of college, (I had just turned 19) I met a boy through a school event and a few mutual friends. I talked to him first, and he felt that my initiation meant that “I wanted it”. I had recently been through a painful breakup, and I knew that I wasn’t ready to engage in intercourse. I went with some friends on a Saturday night to he and his friends apartment to pre-game. He asked me to stay around after, but I wanted to stay with my friends. We later met up at the same party. After a while of talking, he took me on the back porch and started kissing me and pulling off my dress. He said we should go back to his place, and I said okay, but that I didn’t want to have sex with him. He started interrogating me about it, and belittling me for… Continue reading »

Never a Victim; Only Myself

This is my first time sharing my story publicly. Although my story is like many others, my reactions to it, and my outlook on it, are very unique I believe. The first time I was raped, I was 18 years old. It was a beautiful night in the summer of 1999. My boyfriend was maybe a year or so older than I, but was already a father to a 3 year old from a previous relationship. He was a father, my boyfriend, and also my rapist. I had gone over to his apartment to hang out and just be together. When I got there, my boyfriend was already drinking. Not sure how many beers he had had prior to my arrival, but I thought nothing of it. We were having a conversation in his kitchen when he offered me a beer. I refused, he didn’t push. Everything was fine, just like any other couple we… Continue reading »

My Story of a Gang Rape

I was 18 years old and away at college. I was with my boyfriend and just had sex for the first time. Afterwards he was unable to start his car and 3 men pulled up and offered to help. They got out of their car with a gun. My boyfriend was pistol whipped and then the 3 men drove me away holding my head down on the seat with a gun on it. They took me to an old shack where all 3 of them raped me. Then they put me back in the car and dropped me off in the middle of nowhere. I walked through a field until I saw a light- there were some little shack houses. I knocked on a door and was told to go across the street. There a man let me stay on his couch for the night and took me to my dorm in he morning. The… Continue reading »

My Journey Back to Life

I was six years old when I was raped and molested by a close family member. I suffered physical damage, emotional damage, as well as having my spirit broken for most of my life. My mother gave drugs to stop me from being hysterical and not sleeping at night. I had my first overdose on the pills she was giving me at 9 years old. By the time I was in high school I was a strung out addict. I tried to quit but my refused to let me get help. For many years I tried to kill myself because I could not speak about what had happened to me. My mother forbid it. My mother died in 2007 and I thought that I might finally have a chance to get the help that I needed and learn to get my spirit back and love myself. I’m still on that road but, I’m coming back… Continue reading »

Lost Dignity

I was fifteen when the 23 year old son of my parent’s best friends came to stay with us. He had just moved from Toronto and was starting a new life in Winnipeg. He acted like my big brother and I liked talking to him. My family had recently also moved to the prairies and I found it difficult to make new friends at school. I was a lonely and ‘moody’ teen. On my sixteenth birthday, two weeks or so later, my mother made a small family dinner and we had cake. He said the two of us should go downstairs to the TV room and ‘hang out’. When we got there I noticed he had pulled out the ‘hide-a-bed’ which he got on and stretched out. I naively trusted. I sat next to him and he put his arm around me. I remember wondering what was going on as his behavior changed quickly and… Continue reading »

Rape Survivor

It was supposed to be the best time of my life! It happened on December 23,2000 I had just became a Mom of a beautiful baby boy so I was happy and in love. But that day everything change. I decided to go out that night but came home early my father and his friends use to play cards in my living room. ( I was living next door to my parents) I was living in a small two bedroom house my fiance at the time was in the U.S., so it was just the baby and I. When my dad was done playing as usual he asked me to close the door because he was leaving I did but what I didn’t do was to check the baby’s room and I left a window open. The baby was sleeping with me on my bed. It was around 3:00 am when I felt something cold on my… Continue reading »