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Different face, but the same monster

It started when I was 5…he was a trusted friend of a neighbors family…I can still remember his smell, some 20 years later…’If you tell anyone that I touch you, I’ll hurt you’ he would say, and then throw me to the ground and walk away…fast forward 10 years, same monster but a different face…drunk at a friends house…the room spinning, the taste of mexican brandy and pepsi on my tongue…I don’t even know his name…I begged him to stop, fighting and kicking under his weight, crushing me, gasping for air, trying as hard as I could to keep his penis from entering me…not another violation…not again…walking home, crying…another few years go by, and I met the ‘one’…he never hit me at first, not until the week after I gave birth to my son…then the beatings began in earnest…after learning the hard way, after the hitting and punching and choking, I realized that resistance only… Continue reading »

Nothing important…

.. My first answer, when people asked what happened. I was raped at my 25th birthday in Hungary from one of the teachers who helped me with my diploma thesis and his friends, which I never met before. That was his birthday-present for me, beside the cake. I remember him saying “Ulrike I told you: You need a man, now you have a lot. Enjoy it. That’s your birthday-present…“ And then he said to the others which I had never seen before in Hungarian, “and that’s my present for you…“ That was, after he was finished with me, I think. He left me there alone with these animals. I also can remember the sound from laughing girls. This is one of the things which I still know, because I believe I was drugged by GHB or another ‘date rape’ drug. I also heard this from the police and from friends after I told my story…. Continue reading »

intruder

One evening in June about a year ago, I went to bed without checking my tempermental back door lock. I got into bed and heard a noise like a magazine falling to the floor….and attributed it to one of my many cats. One of my cats, Shanti raised her head and staired at the bedroom doorway. I disregarded her even when she began to growl. Finally after a few minutes I got up from my bed and put my bathrobe on. As I ventured into the hallway to prove to Shanti that nothing was wrong I saw the figure of a man at the other end of the hallway. He said to me ” I want you.” I couldn’t believe this was real as I also realized he was half naked from the waist down. I shouted ” Get out of my house!” He came towards me and I tried to run away but was… Continue reading »

He’s Dead

About a month ago I got a phone call from my brother. He told me that my ex-step dad, the man who molested me during my childhood, was dead, that he had died over a year ago, in October 2009. This day was one of the happiest days of my life. My brother forwarded me his obituary. It read that he was an avionics installer and expert, a U.S. Navy Veteran of the Vietnam War and a member of the Hopewell Baptist Church in Savannah, Tennessee. It read that he was married to a woman eighteen years ago. A woman was one of my mother’s best friends just twenty years ago. The obituary read that he was a disaster relief volunteer for Southern Baptist Convention, did local missions work and was active in Media Ministry at Hopewell Baptist Church. That’s funny, he was Catholic when he lived with us. Even then he was an active… Continue reading »

army

it was 20 years ago i was a new soldier and on a course for 2 month to a job i wanted very much. my commander pretended to be friendly and i let him know me and other friends were planing to go out without permission in the evening. he didn’t stop us. when we returned he waited for us and took me for a talk threatening that i will lose my job if he will tell what happened then he raped me. i was saying no no stop stop and he was saying you know you like it. repeatedly. i then took an endless shower. i realize this was very low. i was shocked. i climbed a tree and waited the morning. a miluimnik (reserve soldier) that was with us was very angry to hear what happened and went into the office and screamed at him, because he was still threatening to give us… Continue reading »

Erase and Rewind

גדלתי מילדה ונערה לאישה – אבל בתור אחת שהיו לה קצת רגשי נחיתות וכזו שהסתובבה בעיקר עם חברים בנים ושלושת אחיי הגדולים – הייתי טיפה רחוקה מהנשיות שלי- היה בי משהו מעורב בין נסיכה ביישנית לבין טום בוי חוצפנית- וכך יצא שעד גיל 21 עוד הייתי בתולה -מחוסר בחיבור לגוף ולנשיות שלי – אז אני והחברות שלי (שהיו קצת כמוני – אחת יותר, אחת פחות) יצאנו למסיבות הרבה.. רקדנו – בחורים התחילו איתן – והיינו מצחקקות , לפעמים מעיזות .. עד שהגיע הזמן שבו התחלתי קצת יותר להקרין נשיות, קצת יותר זמינות, וגם איתי התחילו – אני בחורה יפה , ופתאום הבנתי את זה.. וזה גרם לכל מי שסביבי להבין את זה.. שכבתי עם מישהו – ככה בשבילי – בשביל כמו להיפטר מזה .. הרגשתי שזה מעיק עליי ויוצר אצלי רגשי נחיתות.. ואת זה עזבתי בצד.. באחת המסיבות שהלכנו אליה – רקדנו בכיף ומישהו שם התחיל איתי .. פעם ראשונה סירבתי בנימוס.. בפעם השניה בדיוק… Continue reading »

גבר אלים וחולני

לקראת גיל 15 התחלתי לצאת עם בחור שהיה גדול ממני בשנה, לאחר חודשיים בערך ביחד הייתה בנינו מריבה מטופשת במהלך המריבה הוא נהייה אלים כלפי זאת הפעם הראשונה בעצם שהוא הרים עליי יד, הביא לי סטירה שהפילה אותי על הריצפה וכשאני שוכבת על הרצפה הביא לי מכה חזרה בבטן עם הרגל. אחרי המקרה נפרדנו כמובן והוא התחנן שנחזור ואמר שזו הייתה טעות ושזה בחיים לא יקרה, הייתי ילדה והאמנתי לו. סבלתי מאלימות במשך כמעט שנתיים, הפסקתי ללמוד, עברתי לגור אצלו ולא מרצוני- אנשים שואלים אותי למה נשארת ושופטים אותי על כך, אל תעשו זאת, לא הייתם שם אתם לא יודעים. לאחר שנתיים ברחתי וחברה שלי לקחה אותי למשטרה, כמובן שהוא רדף אחרנו כל הדרך ובכה שאני לא אעשה זאת. חברה שלי נתנה לי הרבה כוחות כן לעשות זאת. הגשתי תלונה הוא קיבל צו הרחקה ממני ולא יותר מזה הגנת המשטרה מזערית. לאחר שבוע שלא ראיתי אותו, הייתי במועדון הוא הגיע לשם חיכה שאלך לשירותים, בשירותים… Continue reading »

innocent

i was only 12 years old when the rape had begun. I finally put an end to the rape around the age of 21 years old. I had never told anybody about the rape and the raper, I was so afraid that someone, and worse of all my parents and especially my father will know anything about me being raped. They don’t know up till now, because I did all I can do to protect them from the on going rape. The raper was almost 2 years older than me and he knew everything about sex. I knew nothing about sex, and so innocent and so afraid that no one will believe me. Traper was the negative leader of my group in the kibbutz. And he had threatened me: “I’ll tell about you” and this was more dangerous than an atomic bomb throwed on me. Becaus a kibbutz is a place in which you are… Continue reading »

two years ago

two years ago i came home from a club in paris, and took the nightbus, suddenly a few guys started making fun of me, i dropped my earphones and said: ok enough! than the one guy stood up and started beating me, at first nobody in the bus helped me, so i got really hurt finally a man stood up and i ran towards the busdriver, but he really didnt care, he just wanted me to leave the bus, when i got out of the bus i didnt recognize the guy had also left the bus at the same station, i started walking when i feld him push my arm and and trying to pull me, i was extremely scared and had pain everywhere

Where did I go?

I have waited all my life to be able to tell this to someone I can trust, someone who will not judge me, but most importantly after hearing Linor Abargil and Cecelia Peck I am convinced that our stories may perhaps save others from being traumatized years after our rape. My hope is that by telling our stories, others will go on to live their lives without shame thinking that they are not worthy of a loving relationship. I was 15 years old, violently raped repeatedly for months by two cousins and they were brothers. I feared for my life. My life until that time was full of hopes and dreams and a boy crush who respected me. When my cousins robbed me of my innocence I began to feel dirty and ashamed which caused me to turn my back on my teen crush and I lost interest in all things scholastic. In the years… Continue reading »