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Feeling Lost

Though at times I feel lost, I know now that I am not defeated. The first time I was assaulted I was only 4 years old. My dad’s best friend molested me. I only vaguely remember what happened, but remember how I felt more than anything. I recall feeling confused and dirty, and I think I blocked most of it out. I never told my parents about it, even after Gary died of a heart attack. I fear that they will blame themselves. My second incident was when my sister invited two guys she recently met to our apartment. We were all drinking when I guess I had too much. My sister stripped me and put me in the bathtub so that I could sober up. I couldn’t even move my arms. We only had one bathroom, so every time one of the guys would use the bathroom, they would touch me. My sister and… Continue reading »

Holding It In

I was 14, a virgin, naive, trusting at my first sleep over at my father’s friend’s home with his older teenage daughter and my sister. He was part of a group of 19 and 20 year old that were friends of the teenage girl hosting the sleep over. Twenty, tall,tan and totally charming as he sat next to me and told me how beautiful I was. I for the first time felt special for being a female not a daughter or student. We spoke for hours the evening turned into night and he remained my Prince Charming, sweetly singing my praises. When I headed to the bedroom I was to share with my sister that night I had a smile on my face thinking of my Prince, I fell asleep with that grin on my face. I suddenly could not get air and I awoke suddenly I could feel a big hand muffling my face…. Continue reading »

Dirty Whore

was once innocent. But that part of me doesn’t exist anymore. When you’re raped you lose a piece of you in a sense. You find yourself left a different person with a broken spirit. I’m a shadow of the girl I use to be. Life is no longer safe and my view of the world changed. I will always feel broken, damaged, and not good enough. I can’t get a peaceful nights sleep without a nightmare. I can’t have sex with my fiance without zoning out. I just have no emotional connection to it, it’s purely physical. I will always be this mess but somehow my fiance still loves me. My story began at age 16. I was hanging out with my friend Brandi at our community pool. Brandi went home to check in with her parents and was supposed to come back. While waiting I saw three older men enter the pool area. I… Continue reading »

My Mother Was Raped

I was not sure if I should talk about this in public. I have saved this feeling in my heart for so many years, I remembered one day my mother and I were arguing about a boy I wanted to go out with. My mother was so afraid and started crying out of nowhere. At this point she told me “she was raped when she was 14 years old by her own brother.” She said she wanted me to be safe always and she was scared because she didn’t want anything happening to me. I am 25 years old now and I can not believe the courage my mother has to go on, she was able to block this and continue with her life but everyday I pray for her. Everyday I ask God to make her wounds heal I know it’s not easy for her, and when I see her day dreaming I just… Continue reading »

When I Was 8 Years Old

It is a miracle I am alive. I come from a family in which my step mother and father molested, raped and raised me behind closed doors with the secret of rape… Among the dinner parties with friends and family around.. my brother and I suffered in silence. We had no name for what was being done to us. I never knew what I kind of day I would have living with pedophiles. My father also sold me to a man at a bar when I was 8 years old. I was tied with barbed wire at my feet and hands, tortured and raped as well. Several days later my father came and got me and told me that I would be “taken away” if I told anyone…It is also important to note that pedophiles keep the company of other pedophiles…. It has taken me most of my life to process what I have lived… Continue reading »

Molested at 3

I am 55 years old, I was molested at age 3, I can still remember that day as if it happened today. I grew up very shy, and scared of men even to the point I hated men Doctor’s….. The boy was 16, and a Family friend. He was left to babysit and put me in my bed and used a wash rag on me telling me how bad I was, I wont go into detail about this, He abused my brother’s also. When my Daddy got home I ran to him, and told, I watched my Daddy chase him from our house, I did not see him again till I was 13, I was shocked, and scared. The first thing he said to me was (I used to change your diapers, an nothing happened.) I saw him again at 16 just before I got married, he said the same thing, I told him that… Continue reading »

Virgin Rape

In 1971, I was groomed/tricked by a male student from Chicago’s south side who was at a community college located in southeastern Washington State on a football scholarship. I was 18. I came from an abusive home: my mother mentally, emotionally and physically abused me from my age of 2 1/2 years when my father was not present and my elder siblings were at school. I was the family scapegoat–my older siblings (boy and girl 7 and 5 years older) never came to my defense when these assaults happened after school. I protected my younger brother from my mother’s abuse until I left home at age 18. I was naive in the world yet understood in crisis moments I had no experience to stop abusive behavior toward me from others–all I thought of was surviving the moment. This is the first of many terrible experiences of varying types I underwent in my early adult years… Continue reading »

Over 40 years Ago

I have been raped both by a stranger and on a date, both in my teen years. The stranger was giving me a ride and took a side road out into the woods. I was helpless to fight physically, so I just acted like it was ok and tried to think of how to stay alive. My biggest fear was being left in the woods and no one would find my body. He took me back to town. I was so numb, I didn’t even know what day it was. I asked him to drop me off at the school and it was Saturday. When I went to a doctor’s office, they wouldn’t look me in the eye and just sort of cleaned me up and sent me home. I felt dirty and ashamed. I went to an atty. that told me I should not speak of it, because no one would believe me, and… Continue reading »

Raped as a Boy

I was raped as a child for many years by someone I considered a father figure, my uncle. I had only realized what it was before I became a teenager. He passed away in 97 from a flesh-eating disease. I always thought this was God’s doing for what he did to me. This is probably the only time in my life I will ever speak or write about it. I have learnt to push these memories far back into my mind.

42 Years Old

When I was 17 I was raped. I was raped by my daughters cousin who was a little older than me. At that time I needed a place to go and my daughters father n his family had us stay with their cousins. One night while alone in my room I was watching tv. The house was dark. And the cousin came home and asked to watch tv with me. I didn’t think anything about it. So we both were sitting on the edge of the bed watching tv. i still remember my daughter waking up, who was a year old at the time, and I got up to put her back to sleep. As my back was to him he came up and grabbed me and shoved me down on the bed. At first I thought he was just playing around. But soon I realized he wasn’t joking. I tried to get up and… Continue reading »