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Please Allow Me To Be Heard

Throughout my adult life I have struggled with conflicting emotions, grief, shame, and sadness. When I was 15 I was raped by a guy I was dating. I was young and very naive. When I met him, he swept me off my feet. He said all the things a girl wants to here. He was 19 and very handsome. I felt flattered and was happy that he was of the same religion. He began quickly grooming me. He sunk his hooks deep into me and wanted to get me to give him my virginity. To him, it was a conquest that he wanted to conquer. He began working at the same job as me. He would ask to give me rides home and go over music for our worship service. I was completely taken by him. I had never felt so alive. I was intoxicated by him. He began pushing my limits to explore me… Continue reading »

Heavy Is The Head

I was abused by a family member and a church member. It wasn’t until 20 years later that I told anyone. Even when you release such a tragic event from your mind, it does not go away like telling someone your sorry and they say I forgive you. You truly want those individuals, if not too afraid, to come to you and say they are sorry and us to be able to forgive them. Yet this will sadly never happen. So in the meantime the victims are left to search for forgiveness of themselves because a lot of times we are made to be instigators of such horrible crimes. Some made to feel this way by others and many made to feel as if it was their fault. Since these instances I have tried to take my life 3 times and have been placed in mental institutions. All of this after I had come to… Continue reading »

Price of Paradise

Why, after such a painful sexual history, did I find myself in another painful, super stressful, confusing relationship? While I have had more than one sexual trauma in my life, for some reason, the most recent brings me the most emotions. I get nauseous, SO angry, ashamed, embarrassed of my self and who knows what else. It’s been a few years with therapy, and I am happy with who I am, who I love and how I live finally, after such a turbulent puberty and 20s. As background, before the incident I will describe (maybe one day I’ll express the others), I loved my virginity during a date rape with a boyfriend when I was 16. After this, I became anorexic and addicted to exercise. As a result, I spent way too much time in my high school’s gym. There, I developed a huge crush on the 31 yr old strength coach. He started asking… Continue reading »

My Horrific Nightmare

Three years ago I was raped. I met a man who was a marine and had mutual friends. We hit it off and began dating. After two months he got out of the marine corp and moved back to his home of Reno, NV. Truthfully, I knew he had issues. I had caught him lying..etc. But I was 29 and had issues with relationships so I felt I needed to try and make one work. He wanted me to come visit him in Reno and offered to pay which was unusual (he was very stingy with money). But I went anyway. The first couple days were great. He offered me this drug called bath salt that he bought at a store. It made me super awake for two days…I didn’t have much experience with drugs but I wanted to make him happy. It was the third day that everything changed. I remember him giving me… Continue reading »

Life Spiraled

When i was 14 i had a boyfriend who i only knew via phone calls. We made plans to see each other for a night so i lied to my parents and went to meet him at the mall. When he showed up he was with his entire family. Parents brothers and sisters everybody. We left the mall and went to their house somehow it was ok with this boys parents that i sleep in his bed with him probably because his 2 younger brothers were sleeping on the floor. He himself was only 16. When we started making out i thought to myself i don’t want to have sex so ill just say no it never crossed my mind that he wouldn’t stop. There was nothing violent about my rape but i said no all the way up until he penetrated me. I couldn’t stop him. Then to my horror after he was finished… Continue reading »

In 1978

In 1978 when I was 21, I dated a foreign young man from the Middle East for about a year. During that time we did have sex and I ignored the fact that he made disparging remarks about the fact that I was willing to have pre-marital sex. Eventually we broke up due to this and other cultural differences. Shortly after our breakup, I met with him during the day in his van. He drove us to a secluded place to “talk” about our ended relationship (not get back together). That is when he over-powered me and raped me while I was crying, trying to fight him off and suffering. I later told my girlfriends but never the police or my parents, especially, because it would have crushed my mother to know this (she likely would have had too much sympathy for me). I also didn’t even consider contacting authorities/police because I knew him and… Continue reading »

Every Way Imaginable

I was first sexually abused between the ages of 10 to 12 by a family acquaintance. I did not deal with the abuse until I was in my 40’s. I am now 53. The consequences of being sexually abused at such a young age were staggering. I was extremely promiscuous and had low self-esteem and self-worth. Every relationship I became involved in was abusive in every way imaginable. I have endured multiple physical and emotional injuries. I was first married in 1980 to a demon. The only positive aspect of that disaster was my three beautiful children. However, this demon sexually and emotionally abused all three of my babies. In addition, he sexually, physically and emotionally abused me. After being legally married for 20 years, I finally gained my children’s and mine freedom. My horrible decision making relative to relationships continued. Without going into detail relative to each and every single disaster, I believe the… Continue reading »

Silence In The Family

When I was 5 my mom used to leave me with a babysitter. My memories are vague about the incident and I was confused when I was young. I remember my sitters husband taking me alone to their bedroom and touching me down south. I also remember me sitting in his lap while he played cards and foddling me under the table. It wasn’t until I was about 14 that I started to have reaccuring nightmares and uncomfortable feelings being around men that I began to realize that these were memories that I buried and kept silent for years. When I was 15 my mom took me to a doctor to be examined to see if my hymen was broken. I refused the test and left. That’s when my mom told me that when I was 5 I told her that my sitters husband touched me. I never knew that I told anyone and questioned… Continue reading »

Ending Misogyny

From my shop in fashionable Georgetown, Washington DC, I took a break to walk into the public park on a Saturday afternoon. For a few minutes, no one else was present, and a man passed me and turned around and followed me. He grabbed me from behind with his arm pressing on my carotid artery until I passed out. With a blood curdling scream as if he was just out of the jungles of Viet Nam, he dragged me off the path into the ravine and raped me. Afterwords, he said, “Give me 5 minutes to get out of the park.” I went back to my shop. A friend who was watching my shop said she was taking my 3 year old daughter home with her until the next day. I wanted to clean so I got in a hot tub. I was not thinking about preserving the evidence. I was thinking about preserving myself. My ex-husband… Continue reading »

Rape and Anxiety

I was raped when I was 19 years old. I was very inexperienced sexually. I had started “fooling around” with a guy I met through a friend. It was Christmas day and he came over to my house (where I lived with my parents). I had told him I did not want to have sex, as I told him I had difficulty separating the emotions from it. (He wanted to just be “friends with benefits”). We were fooling around in my room, and I told him again I did not want to have sex. He did it anyway. I did not make any sound because I did not want my parents to hear (they were home) and know that I was having sex. I thought they would be angry about him being there in the first place. Afterwards, he “cuddled” me. I felt so confused. I still feel very confused. Sometimes I think it was… Continue reading »