He bought me a drink and we played shuffle board. All the while laughing and flirting. He was very charming. We took an Uber back to his place. We go inside and start making out. The drinks are all hitting me and feeling good. As we start to have sex I start to feel funny and the world slips away. Ow that hurts I say but he doesn’t care and continues biting my leg like it was meat. My body freezes up as if I can’t move, he doesn’t stop after I ask him to and I stare blankly at his red fraternity flag hanging on the wall, as he continues to fuck me harder and rougher a silent tear runs down my cheek. Finally he falls asleep and I am too scared to move. I wait for what seems like hours to make sure he is really asleep before I go to leave. As… Continue reading »
Still Terrified
I was scared to write this. But, since I cannot settle my mind, I thought I would just go ahead and write so that I can clear my head and hopefully ease this pressure off my chest. You should know, if I may say, this is not easy, actually it is really very hard. I find myself still waiting for that place I was told comes with time – where you could discuss the bad things and your feelings not be so wrapped up in them to the point that you cannot function or breathe right, or it no longer holds you bound. A time when a thing can just be a thing – I guess that is the sentiment anyway. Nevertheless, here it goes… I was born in Baltimore MD. I was raped by my father starting at 18 months, which is when my mother left, according to her anyway! She said she left… Continue reading »
And It Continues
I’m 22 years old. The first time i was molested I was six years old. Over the years I was molested several more times by different people. Almost as if people could see an invisible target on my back that meant I was easy prey. Each time I vowed that that was the last time. Each time I thought I got smarter, that I got braver, that I got stronger. In December I was assaulted again, and after all the practice I’ve had in this area, I never saw it coming. This guy had been my friend earnestly for 4 years. But we’ve known each other since we were born. Our fathers grew up together and they’re like brothers. So we always were treated as if he and I were cousins. Since we were “like” cousins I felt it was ok to relax with him though because I figured nothing would happen. So I would… Continue reading »
I was too young to know what sexual abuse was
Aug 20th I was going into freshman year of high school and they had an orientation at the high school to tour around and see where our classes were at. I met a guy named blake ….we clicked right away and we started hanging out more and more i met his parents and his sister. He had the kitchen upstairs and two living rooms one downstairs and one upstairs at first i thought he was an amazing person a person i wanted to have kids with because i saw what i wanted to see i didn’t leave the first time he sexually assaulted me i was 14 i didn’t know what sex even was let alone sexual abuse and assault. I told myself he wouldn’t do it again or oh this is normal as the months passed and he was getting eager and was always leaning towards sex or sexual acts there were times where… Continue reading »
Never thought I could be a victim
Victim. As I live through this new vocabulary, which I had somehow managed to never befriend in all these years of pain, trouble, disappointment, heartbreak, disenchantment, depression even… I struggle to accept, this truth, this world view, this reality which has smacked me right across my face, my soul, my body, my heart, revolts… In anger, no no, rage or with the earth shattering, heart wrenching pain, that clenches around my lungs, making my screams pour through my eyes, my clenched fists, breaking the walls of my silence. Till I can no longer bear them. Victim. I don’t really know, how to react, respond, reach out or search within, Is it resilience or is it avoidance? Is it grieving or is it spiraling? Every answer that I had learnt had not prepared me for these questions, and I fail to reconcile with the me that is, the me that was or will ever be. How… Continue reading »
Dead Inside
I was just a little girl all three of you knew what you were doing was wrong but you didn’t even care i started to blame myself for letting it happen for all those years because i thought by letting it happen to me i was protecting others but that wasn’t the case…you made me hate myself i have very low self-esteem and my mental health issues are destroying me because of you i hate looking into the mirror because of you I’d rather cut myself than acknowledge the pain i feel inside you ruined me. — survivor, age 14
Raped in Foster care
My name is Tobi, and I’m a rape victim. That being the said, I will only discuss how child protection services failed to keep me or my daughter safe in the care of child services in Stone County, Wiggins Mississippi. The address at the time was 718 Newton Street Wiggins Mississippi, 39577. The Judge and child services willingly knew and ignored my pleas for help. Leaving me broken and permanently scarred to this day, with no trust for anyone. Not only did they fail me, they failed my daughter whom was a result of a rape that occurred when I was 15, by a man in his 40’s. His girlfriend at the time said she looked past things he did to give him the benefit of doubt, and that he was a good person. It also happened at her house. I was asleep and woke to him getting from on top of me. It was… Continue reading »
It still doesn’t feel real…
I was 5 when it happened. I was at my best friend’s house and her ‘grandpa’ was making her take a bath before we could go out and play. When I think back to it, I often wonder if she even needed a bath or if that was just his way of getting me alone. This was the 90’s and they weren’t teaching children as young as we were that there was good touch or bad touch yet. So I didn’t know it was wrong…but I knew it felt wrong…you know? He touched me in ways a grown man should never touch a child. He told me it would be nice. It wasn’t. I was 13 when he died. He had an aneurysm burst while talking to my best friend in their living room. I’d like to say she and I were both broken up about it but the common emotion we shared was relief…. Continue reading »
To protect and serve
As a police officer he had taken an oath to Honor the uniform and badge worn by many; and, to Protect and Serve the citizens of the metropolitan city with whom he swore this oath to protect and serve. As a Deacon with a mega-church, also assigned as its’ Inner-city Youth Bus Minister, he collected donations made to the church as offerings; and, he ensured several school buses filled with young children attended the church regularly. He additionally moonlighted as the Director of Security with an acclaimed international chain of hotels locally; and, he sold homes as a licensed realtor. Other professional endeavors he was engaged in when living are as a radio personality keeping listeners informed by helicopter of rush hour traffic conditions; and then prior to my knowing him, he was a US Navy Seaman. At home he was nothing more and nothing less than pure evil. I was in kindergarten the first… Continue reading »
Feelings After I was Raped 20 plus years
I am always screaming inside. What is Normal. I forgot who I was before I was raped. What is it like to be Happy. I never really sleep. I am always mad. Not a day goes by that I don’t think about my Rapist(s). Why I never told anyone. I am Embarressed. I am Ashamed. I am so stupid. I let it happen. Believe me. Don’t believe me. I never really Smile. I don’t know what love really is. I am numb. Trust. Sitting in the Shower. Crying with No Sound. Who am I really. I Never want to Leave my house. Nobody knows. Everybody knows. Worse. Hurt. Pain. Sorrow. I want to die everyday. I want to live. Don’t touch me. Touch me. Where is my Laugh. I am weak. Bury my head im my pillow every night. I want to be left alone. Don’t leave me alone. Breathe. I want to forget. I… Continue reading »