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I am a different me

After watching the Simone Biles Movie and seeing the #metoo movement all over I feel it is time to put this out there… I feel like a great disaster. I am so proud of myself for the things I have battled through. On a daily basis I go through cycles of loving myself and insecurities and I go through being happy and sad and mad and crying. I seem to go through emotions faster than most people and I get anxious extremely easy. I sometimes go off the deep end trying to protect myself from my feelings. The way I experience things is different. I’m positive yet when something negative happens I have close to no control over how heavily the bad outweighs all the good. I feel attacked by the little things and even greater by the big things. I haven’t always been like this though. I became a significantly different person at the… Continue reading »

The year that changed me

I had my first kiss and lost my virginity at 19, I was also raped that same year. I wish I could say that my first time was with someone special, someone I genuinely trusted and cared about but that would be a lie. The truth is that I only agreed to sleep with him in fear that if I said no it wouldn’t go over well, that my ‘no’ wouldn’t be heard. That is something I never wanted to tell anyone, I think it was because I was embarrassed… Embarrassed that I was scared, embarrassed that I was dumb enough to even let someone like that into my house and into my life. After that sex had no appeal, I was self conscious after being somewhat verbally abused and belittled by this man and couldn’t think of a situation where sex would actually be enjoyable. My second time was only worse. My second time… Continue reading »

Sexual Harrassment

I know I am just a common ordinary woman in Kearney Nebraska, so my story does not seem news worthy. In 2005 I was employed as the Development Coordinator for the Buffalo County Economic Development Council. My boss was a man named Ron Tillery. When I took the job five years earlier I was told to be careful, one of the men in the office was a “toucher”. One of my advisors was my husband who did computer work in the building. No bug deal, was an equal opportunity toucher – he touched everyone, so no worries. The man I should have be concerned with was Mr. Tillery. Beginning in 2004, he began to use to company credit card for personal expenses and would submit fictitious receipts for reimbursement. I became uncomfortable and told him I would not longer sign the checks (that was part of my job) for these expenditures without approval. He told… Continue reading »

I was molested and raped at 6

I was taken away from my mother and father at 6 years olds. I lived in 3 different family members home. The last home I moved to, terrible things happened. I was abused physically, from slapping to being punched in the face. Emotionally, from being told my parents were pieces of shit, to being told i was not loved, and sexually, from being touched to being raped. All within 10 months, 3 different family members molested me. One of them had woken me up one night and raped me. He was 13. My aunts husbands son had touched me in my private and made me touch him and perform oral on him. He told me it was okay and not to tell anyone. I was placed back with my mom and I never told her.After years of not telling anyone, I told my current boyfriend and he’s the only one who knows. I didn’t realize… Continue reading »

Memory or a dream?

Like many people that wrote here I too had kept this for years. I’m not sure if this is a memory or a dream but it always haunts me. I had never shared this to anyone.. And I mean not a single one. I hope this would make me feel better. I was still in grade school, always playing with my neighbors. One day at one of my neighbor’s house I remember I was playing with my guy friend with paper dolls next thing I remember his big brother is on top of me, i remember not feeling anything and blank, i can’t remember anything else except my guy friend now is on top of me still feeling nothing and blank again. The only thing that I am sure in this memory is my mom washing me down there and it is aching so bad. At my teenage years I had trouble having a boyfriend… Continue reading »

Chapter 62

Why Chapter 62? Well, that is how old I am now. My abuse was by my dad and grandpa, which, by the way, have no blood in common. So no excuse for my dad. It started when I was 5 and went on through high school years. So, it’s been a few minutes, and I’ve been through counseling, group therapy, medications, spiritual growth, everything. But I still have nightmares. I guess you never really get over the bad stuff. You learn to cope, make good choices, show your children the kind of love every child deserves, but your eyes are open and you carefully watch out for them and try to protect I from the same experience. This week, I had a dream. My dad and I went somewhere together and checked into a motel. He had to leave for a while and I decided to take a shower. As I am getting out of… Continue reading »

It was not my fault

While I sit here trying to find the words to my story it is still difficult to talk and think about it. I am now 23 years old, and everything happened when I was 15, actually around the same time of the year as I am writing this. It took me a long time to be able to accept and understand what happened to me. I spent 6 of the last 8 years in denial and trying to escape every thought or memory that reminded me of that horrible feeling of not being able to defend myself. I was in a bad place back then, young, troubled and struggling with depression. I tried to escape into alcohol and anything that would stop me feeling so empty. In January 2010 I went to spent a semester abroad with a host family. During the Carnival season my “host sister” took me to a rental house with some… Continue reading »

Rape on a Foreign Exchange Trip

When I was 16, I had the opportunity to study abroad in Spain on a full scholarship for a year to further my Spanish-language abilities. I was so excited because I had dedicated my whole life to the language and would finally be living it. My foreign exchange included staying with a volunteer host family for the academic year (my junior year in high school) and attending a public school in Madrid. I struggled through the first half of the school year with the language barrier even though I had studied it for four years, and only really understood my English class (because I’m American and an English speaker). In my English class, we had an American as our assistant English teacher, and it made me so happy to finally make human contact with another native English speaker during my exchange (not many people spoke English that well in Madrid during my exchange). After a… Continue reading »

Healing

The Little Girl in the Picture Have you ever had that one picture of yourself that you say, “Who is this?” You just stare at it, and it calls your soul. It is like it is telling you to search deep within yourself and remember. How far back can you remember your life? We all have an inner child or inner children. They often get lost as we grow into our adult, fast-paced lives, but they are still there tugging at us in hopes we will remember and visit them. They come out in us from time to time, usually when we have a silly moment, or a thought runs across our minds, or when we see a cartoon and get caught up in it. These moments can be as simple as sitting on a swing and letting our minds take us back to images of ourselves as children. We smile, knowing that inner child… Continue reading »

I thought I trusted them

I’ll keep this one simple. I was forced into a threesome by two people I thought I trusted. I said no repeatedly but that word seems to have no value. I thought saying no was enough to stop them. I didn’t want it. After the assault, I tried to put my clothes on and leave and they told me I couldn’t.I had to fight to leave. I’ve never felt so devalued in my life. I never thought this could happen to me. What did I do wrong? what didn’t I do that I should have to stop them? I hear people talk about it, they glorify it like it was a good time for me. I have not told the truth because who will believe me over them? I’m ashamed. — Survivor, age 20