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I like to think I won’t feel so guilty one day

At some point during childhood most of us find ourselves afraid of monsters. We fear the horned creatures snarling in our closets, the rows of teeth hiding under our beds, but the scariest thing of all is that, in reality, monsters don’t look like “monsters”. They don’t have fangs and claws or wear scary masks. They don’t come with warning signs. They don’t really look any different at all. The monster could be your friendly next-door neighbor or the nice guy at the bar who offers to make sure you get home safely. The monster could be someone you thought you knew. Someone you thought you could trust. Someone you thought you loved. I was sexually assaulted when I was sixteen. It was hard to separate what was being done from who was doing it. It was hard to know that it was not okay. There was a lot of confusion, a lot of manipulation…. Continue reading »

Never Heals

I am a young girl, only fifteen years old. It was over seven months ago, when I went through a very traumatic time. I was at a house party, somewhere I regret ever going. I was interested in a boy who was holding the party, and that was the only reason I went. I didn’t know anyone else at the party but I agreed to go for him. The moment I arrived he handed me a bottle of strong spirits and ordered me to drink it straight. I was stupid and niave and I did what he said, and after a short while and a lot of drinks he led me to his bedroom. His friend stood at the door, making sure no one got in or out. Others claimed they tried to help me, but they were stopped. I still remember the feeling of helplessness. I still remember the look in his eyes. Almost… Continue reading »

I thought we were friends

I met him in the summer of 2011 in college. We were close friends, he was my go-to for advice. He moved across the country in May of 2014 and I followed in April of 2016. after graduating college the previous December. We were roommates, close friends, then he said we could be more, but he kept me at arms length. I was falling in love with him and didn’t realize what he was doing until it was too late. He emotionally abused me in multiple ways for months. He physically abused me as well. He would force me to go down on him, every day, sometimes more than once. He started off pleasuring me in return but that eventually stopped. One night in particular it turned really ugly and he attempted to strangle me to death. I was lucky enough to get out of there, out of that apartment. We work for the same… Continue reading »

Was it rape?

I used to never understand the word rape. I used to never think it could happen to me. Too be honest, I still don’t understand it all I know is what happened was wrong. It was six years ago. It was a warm night in may I was at my best friends house in the hot tub. We had a few drinks and then our “friends” came over.. fast forward to five am in the morning this “friend” started to feel me up… He then began getting more and more intimate and persuaded me to come out to his jeep. I get in scared out of my mind, and he climbs in on top of me. He begins to kiss me all over saying how it was time for me to stop being a good girl and how I wanted “daddy” to eff me. He had his way and then finished. There was blood all… Continue reading »

Too drunk to respond

I was living in a university dorm. I was 18. I had had too much to drink and my older next door neighbor had said that he would help me as I had cut my hand on glass. He took me into his room. He started to kiss me and take off my pants. I didn’t want to do anything with him so I rolled onto my stomach. All I wanted to do was sleep and be left alone. Even though I have very foggy memories of that night that is how I know he raped me. I didn’t want to. I thought he would leave me alone if I was on my stomach. I didn’t say no but I was too out of it to consent or fight back. Instead he had sex with me from behind. I was half conscious. I felt sick. After he was done he put me to sleep in… Continue reading »

Friend?

It happened when I was 15, I am now 16. I’ve known this friend for my whole life. Trusted him with everything. But my trust for him changed. I was sitting on my couch waiting for my older brother to get home. He is really close with my brother. Once my brother got home I noticed he had a friend. I was sitting down watching a show on Netflix. I was covered in sweats and a long sleeve. Then my brother’s friend came and started talking to me. And I wasn’t going to be rude to him so I answered and talked to him. After talking to him for a few minutes when back to my brother’s room and stayed there for about 10 minutes and came back. He looked at me and sat down next to me. I was really uncomfortable. Then he started to touch my leg and I told him to “stop”…. Continue reading »

Child rape

Some people think that when two little kids around the same age engage in sexual activities, neither of them know any better. Maybe with some cases, but this is not one of those cases. I was around 6 years old, a very innocent child, and didn’t even know what sex was. My cousin Peter who was around the same age as me, grew up in a very different house from me. He knew exactly what sex was from friends, from the things he watched, etc. He and I were over at our Grandma’s house for Christmas one year in a separate room from our parents watching TV. Suddenly Peter leaned over and asked if I wanted to do something with him. I said sure, and he pulled down his pants and told me to put my mouth on his penis. Like I said, I didn’t know anything about sex but I felt that this was… Continue reading »

I felt like it didn’t count because I made him cry

I was lucky. I went on a date with a man I met, and I wanted to play around and make out. I was not shy, or coy, or unclear. I straight up told him that we would not be having intercourse – but if he was okay with that, we could touch each other and have some fun. He agreed, and we went back to his place. He enjoyed himself, and so did I. He even came twice without intercourse, and I’m thinking to myself – cool, this was fun. Then he starts complaining – he wants more, and he wants real sex. I tell him no, that’s not what we agreed upon, and he starts trying to force the issue by grabbing me roughly. I got very mad – and I flipped him. I was taller and stronger than him, with a background in martial arts, and he was young, stupid and unarmed…. Continue reading »

Sexual Assault and Depression

HOPE: My New Favorite Four-Letter Word Recently I was having a difficult day at work and my co-worker, who also happens to be one of my best friends, said to me, “There’s always hope.” I didn’t feel more hopeful after she said that, even though I think that is the intended purpose of that phrase. There’s always hope. I learned a lot about hope through the years; I’ve lost hope, questioned hope and have slowly come to the realization that despite my best efforts to not feel hope, it has been inside me all along. Twenty-one years ago, I was a senior in high school and in hindsight, I suppose, a living model of what hope and promise looked like. Always a good student and someone who worked very hard, I had a bright future ahead of me. Then, one night, January 5th, 1998 to be exact, all that hope and promise was taken from… Continue reading »

I said YES

Daniel and I were dating for a couple of months, and there was some good chemistry. On that night, I was interested, no basically decided, what I wanted for the end, or overnight. We had a nice dinner, and a really adrenaline packed movie, and I was worked up. When we got back to my place, I was most afraid he would want to kiss me and call it a night. When he said he wanted to come in, my heart was going, and my palms sweaty, like it was my first. I hung my jacket on the hooks, as he closed the door behind us. I turned smiling coyly. He grabbed my legs around the knees and knocked me to the floor, landing on top on me, between my legs! I went to talk, and he wheeled a fist back to punch! He ripped my dress, my bra, and matching panties, enough for access…. Continue reading »