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Losing my virginity

I was on my first ever night out when I got speaking to a group of boys who then took me back to their house. I do not remember willingly making the decision to go back to the house. When we arrived one boy took me to this room and I remember being on the floor when he raped me. I kept falling in and out of consciousness and awaking to see a man on top of me raping me. I didn’t try and move I just let it happen. This is how I lost my virginity. Afterwards I tried to convince myself that it was what I wanted and that it was consensual, it took me a day to realise what had actually just happened. A year later it affects me in so many different aspects, I never thought it would affect me the way it has and from reading other peoples stories I… Continue reading »

The Boys Club Continues

I decided to share my story after reading another woman’s story on this site…she was brutally gang raped by police and contemplating suicide. Please “don’t let them win” by Suicide. I know it’s your choice to take your life or survive…. I know the helplessness against the Blue Wall. I too have felt disposable, dismissed & despondent… I was gang raped by a fraternity as a hazing stunt during rush week….thankfully, they drugged me so I don’t remember much…but reporting it, the officers said it was going to be my word against theirs and I didn’t really have a case as I went willingly to the party and did drink and wasn’t a virgin…so…..I didn’t really have a case. I went to counseling immediately, but the lady therapist said I had “issues with my mother, not my rapists, rape didn’t have anything to do with what happened to me” she said…..that all happened when I… Continue reading »

Believe it or Not, It happened to me

was raped 29 years ago. I was Party Raped, Gang Raped, whatever you want to call it. 1989 I was 14, and raped by my ex boyfriend and 2 of his friends (who I had never spoke to). I will save all the details. I was Drunk, beyond drunk, and already passed out on a mattress on the floor, I believe now my ex done this for revenge, I really don’t know. I didn’t report it because I was not supposed to be where I was, and definitely not suppose to be drunk. Also how embarrassing would it be for a 14 year old girl living in the Bible Belt of the South to have to let everybody know what happened, the details are awful enough, I was too drunk to fight, I couldn’t even sit up. And the MESSED up part is I still had feelings for my ex. Long story short,he was my… Continue reading »

It is not my fault

The first incident I can really vividly remember was my freshman year of high school. I went to a school that required us to wear uniforms and I had to take the metro to school every day. I was sitting down by myself and a guy got on the train and, despite almost all other seats being empty, he sat down next to me. The first few minutes were fine but I started to feel something on my thigh. I looked down and saw his hand there, moving up my skirt. Shocked, I pushed it off of my leg and turned away as much as I could. He did it again, but I was too scared to yell or scream for help. I pushed him off the seat and got off the train at the next stop. I didn’t tell anyone for a long time, I was too embarrassed. My sophomore year of high school… Continue reading »

Only I get to make choices for my body

I’m the one who got myself that last beer that made me black out. I should’ve known my limits. If I really didn’t want it, why would I have let him into my dorm upstairs from the party? Maybe he was black out drunk too. Sometimes when I drink too much I lose my memory while I’m still conscious. Also plenty of people have embarrassing drunk hookup stories and don’t call those rape. Somehow my only clear thought when I woke up, naked in my dorm bed with that pink condom in the trash can, was that “it was the Japanese exchange student.” But maybe it wasn’t the creepy one who was making me uncomfortable at the beginning of the party. I could have just hit it off with one of his friends. And most importantly, I don’t even remember the events, so how dare I compare my experience to the experiences of survivors of… Continue reading »

Feelings After I was Raped 20 plus years

I am always screaming inside. What is Normal. I forgot who I was before I was raped. What is it like to be Happy. I never really sleep. I am always mad. Not a day goes by that I don’t think about my Rapist(s). Why I never told anyone. I am Embarressed. I am Ashamed. I am so stupid. I let it happen. Believe me. Don’t believe me. I never really Smile. I don’t know what love really is. I am numb. Trust. Sitting in the Shower. Crying with No Sound. Who am I really. I Never want to Leave my house. Nobody knows. Everybody knows. Worse. Hurt. Pain. Sorrow. I want to die everyday. I want to live. Don’t touch me. Touch me. Where is my Laugh. I am weak. Bury my head im my pillow every night. I want to be left alone. Don’t leave me alone. Breathe. I want to forget. I… Continue reading »

Raped by jail guard

I was arrested for intoxication in public and apparently led to assault on an officer. I think I may have been drugged at the bar. I have fragmented memories of being raped at the jail by a male deputy and and female deputy restraining my hands. I passed out once I realized what was about to happen. I remember her telling me to open my legs and relax that they weren’t going to hurt me. She kept saying just let him do it when he forced my legd open and stuck his finger inside me. I can’t remember anything after that except I couldn’t breathe. I filed a report and an investigation was done by the VSP but because no camera in my cell… basically my word against theirs. I’m so broken and don’t understand why I can’t remember anything after him putting his finger in me. It’s killing me not knowing what happened to… Continue reading »

It was his word against mine

It was a calm night, I was sitting on my couch when I got a text from my step brother saying he wanted me to come over to celebrate his birthday. I drove over there and already had me a few drinks when he told me his friend was coming over. I never met the guy but I heard a lot of stories from my step brother about him. By the time he got there i was beyond drunk. Then my stepbrother gave me a joint and gave me some more drinks. During this time his friend kept on moving closer to me and i kept on moving away. There was a point where I couldn’t even speak so I laid down on the couch. The last thing I really remember was the friend asking me if i was asleep yet. Then I woke up for a split second and felt someone on top and… Continue reading »

I was sexually assaulted

Two years ago when I moved to LA, I never thought that my life would change forever in one second. One night i got home to find my roommate with a couple of friends drinking and partying. Just wanting to finally connect with my roommate I drank, I honestly don’t remember much about that night. I do remember this random guy coming into my bedroom and sexually assaulting me up until the next morning when i got up to leave and was pushed down multiple times. When I went to the police I felt like they never believed me, and up until this day my rape kit and case sit on a never-ending shelf on never getting any answers. My assault was a stranger assault. Thankfully I had the support of family and close friends, but i still never wanted to get out of bed or would get panic attacks for no reason whatsoever. To… Continue reading »

‘Were you drinking?’

Why is it every question people start with when you say you were raped is ‘Were you drinking?’? Yes. I was drinking. Does that make me any less of a human being? Does that make me a willing participant to such an act? I shared my story with one person, a friend when we were drunk. I know they remember, but now we don’t talk about it. And that almost makes it worse than not telling anyone at all. My flatmates, they know something happened that night. They tucked me into bed and lay beside me until I’d fallen asleep, and the next day when the tears finally came. They didn’t push me to talk about it. But now I can’t talk about it. It seems almost too late. Something you need to know about me- I befriend everyone on a night out. It’s as though alcohol turns my usual empathetic nature onto hyper alert…. Continue reading »