I was 16 when I had my first kiss, 17 when I met my first boyfriend and lost my virginity. I was a shy girl, the one who blended into the background amongst her more attractive friends. Dennis was tall, blonde and exotic- All of us were drawn to him. I couldn’t believe he would pick me. Maybe he sensed my vulnerability, my shyness and knew I was easy prey. The relationship lasted 2 years. I moved in with him and away from my family. I was isolated and 1500 miles from anyone who cared. I endured 15 months of domestic violence- Broken ribs, broken nose, bruises and blood. The physical pain of physical abuse was tough but the sexual abuse that came was worse…Forced to have sex, NO! that fell on deaf ears, torn, sore tissue, bitten breasts, bruises,muffled cries into pillows, feeling my insides being stretched and violated by foreign objects I didn’t… Continue reading »
I was 4 yrs old
And the rape affects me every day. Now I am 55 yrs old. My heart breaks for people who have lost their lives or their loved ones to violent or other types of crimes. I know their struggle is probably worse than mine. But I am in pain. I have always been ashamed, remorseful (though I think it was not my fault as I was a tiny child), and I am damaged. 51 years ago some boy or man decided he could use my body for his pleasure or obsession or whatever. And I will never get over it. My family doesn’t understand, my friends don’t understand and I probably won’t figure this out in my lifetime. Talk to your kids. Keep them safe. If they are 4 years old don’t let them wander around the neighborhood. Even if it’s a “nice” neighborhood.
Is Healing Possible?
I don’t know why I’m writing this here, I probably should have written it in my diary like I use to. I was sexually assaulted when I was a child, molestations most times, attempted gang rapes sometimes. I succeeded in blocking out the memories throughout my teenage years but the signs were always there. Like how I can’t hold eye contact and how hugs makes my heart sink to the lowest portion of my stomach. I can’t sit in a room or car full of guys without wanting to run for my life. Without the memories, I don’t feel pain nor happiness, I feel numb most times. This saw me through my teenage days and I was fine. But last year, things got a little out of hands and most times I was depressed. A Safe Place was recently opened in my community where people with mental illness come together to talk and get help…. Continue reading »
But what really happened?
Last week I had decided to go on a night out with a few of my friends. Being 19, clubbing and alcohol is a hobby of mine, I did what I usually do and just go with the flow of the night. We had started off at the pub, I only had 2 pints of cider and 2 sour shots. I was tipsy but fine. We gathered some extra people and decided to go to a nightclub. In a 7 seater taxi I was the only female, I tried to not over think on the situation but I felt worried. There were 2 extra guys that were with us that I had never met, that also looked heavily drugged up on something.. One of the unknown guy sat opposite me, he asked me “What are you doing after clubbing?” I told him how I was going to go round to my boyfriends (who decided to… Continue reading »
Breakin Burgler
I had been sitting listening to my headset, and I needed to go to the bathroom. In the hall, I heard some noise, and figured it was my sister sneaking in from a night out. Heading down the hall, I heard it was grunting, and the like. I got to the living room, and I could see an adult male on top of my sister on the floor. The table was pushed out of the way. I could see some of her clothes were thrown around the room, and he was between her bare legs. She was asking him to stop, and when he did, she was crying on the floor. He grabbed a bag and left. I asked her what she was doing? She panicked and told me not to tell Mom and Dad cause she snuck out again, and was on probation. I asked her what she was doing with him. She explained… Continue reading »
My Safe Place
I have three safe places in my life. Home, church, and school. But I’ve dealt with a lot of crap in my life that over time, caused me to lose these safe places. When was 8/9 I was abused horribly by two older foster girls who were staying with my family. They were only with us for a few months but they messed me up pretty badly. Mostly mental abuse that left me terrified all the time. But the physical abuse is why I never told anyone. They threatened to hurt my sister, she was only six at the time and I couldn’t let anything happen to her. My dad happened to come down one day as they were getting ready to do something. He called the police and made a report, but they stayed with us for several more weeks before being moved. Even then one of the sisters was placed down the street… Continue reading »
Metoo
Born A Girl When I was 10, I noticed men looking at me differently When I was 10 to 12 men and boys of all ages honked their horns, whistled and yelled profanities at me When I was 13 my friend and I were walking home in the daylight, when a man came out from his backyard and asked us if we wanted to drink beers and join his party When I was 14 a handsome man in his 20’s began spending time with me. I thought he would love me forever if I gave him my virginity. He accepted and took it because he could. He was known for his interests in young girls, yet he stayed quite popular When I was 15, I was intoxicated and walking through a park. I could hardly stand, let alone walk. A man pulled up in his truck, walked up to me and raped me. He left… Continue reading »
We Stand Together
I’m a survivor. I have severe PTSD trauma due to being molested the young child for 6 years raped by neighborhood kids the broke into my house and videotaped and spread all over the streets by the age of 13. For years boys and men abused me. I was being by my father that I watch bleed to death by the age of 11. And then all the sexual abuse started I turned to drugs and alcohol and self-harm to escape the pain. The only Outlet that I had was Sports. And that saved my life. I know I’ve been clean off drugs and alcohol I started the road of recovery in 2011 I’ve had 12 suicide attempts cuz I couldn’t live with the pain. And now I was a year-and-a-half sober and I’m taking my life back because I’m a strong woman and I’m a survivor. And I stand up for my rights as… Continue reading »
Set Up
This is crazy because this is the first time I’ve ever publicly talked about it. Not even many of my friends know. I always say “something transpired in college.” It’s my way of not dealing with it. Well, by the subject I’m sure you’re wondering what I mean by set up. My “friend” in college set me up for what she said would be a party but that I was the special guest. In college, all you do is party. The crazy thing is I was never the party type because my parents allowed me to have a pretty decent social life so when I got to college I didn’t need to break free. Well, that was all dandy until I met Dee. She was really cool, and so was her family — they are socialites. Dee, who I spent what seemed like every free minute with was trying to get me out of my… Continue reading »
Employer rape
I was sixteen and working at a dry cleaners. The man I had worked for was like a father to me, but he was transferred to another shop and the owner gave his job to his nephew who was late twenties, early thirties, I’m guessing. I was struggling and pregnant. I wasn’t married yet and the burdon of my pregnancy was still a secret. I cried at work one day and my new boss took this opportunity to draw me into a supposedly friendship. His name was Richard Cohen. He asked if I’d like to a movie that evening and I said yes. I don’t remember everything but I remember he parked his car across the street in a store parking lot. I remember he drove to a motel and said it had get something and asked me to come it. I can’t believe how naive I was. Inside he wanted me to sit on… Continue reading »